Thursday, May 9, 2013

4 Stupid Things The Internet Has To Stop Saying...Right NOW!

      Certain things must end: seasons, species, procedures that begin with "Bend over and relax, you may feel a...slight discomfort.". That isn't to say that some of that stuff isn't necessary. I would love for the "getting my ass fingered by a doctor" thing to disappear but, it allows me to keep blindly disregarding my prostate for few years. As for species ending, some of them are useless and deserve extinction, but, being that I'm part of a species and I sure as shit am not ready for mine to end. As for seasons, well, they always come back...even fucking winter. Fuck you winter. Dammit.


Brav-fuckin'-oh. (slow clap)

      So, maybe I was wrong about those things, but, these others...need to god damned go. NOW!

4. FUCK YOUR LIFE!


Nail gun to your stupid face...problem solved.

      Tons of things need to end. Lots more! Like, "FML" or "fuck my life" for the internet retarded. What a pretentious, self  effacing, assholeness, lump of shit statement this is.Who the hell came up with this? It sounds like something Paris Hilton would say when she isn't sucking penis or can't find designer heels in her size. Your life is, your life. If it's so damned tragic...end it. I won't be sad and neither will the rest of us.

      Your asinine problems don't warrant a "fuck my life". You're having a bad day/moment. Suck it up. Most of humanity's days suck shit all the damned time...except for Hugh Hefner's. His life is pretty much bad ass...all the time. Still, you don't hear everyone else bitching. Stop fucking your life and deal with it. If you spent less time whining you'd realize that your problems are pretty manageable and can easily be solved or lacking that, some random bullshit came down and pissed on your parade for a little while. It happens to everyone, so, shut the hell up. Stop being an asshole.

If only it stopped at bullshit like "FML"...

3. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!


First world problems...

      Oh, no, no...don't get me wrong, it was funny...the first time. It's going on one million and six, now, you're just a stupid dick. Putting a back handed spin on people complaining about shit that is...pretty minuscule, as far as "actual problems" go and should stop their fucking complaining. I get that and it's great...if you've never complained about that meaningless shit. 

      What people seem to forget is that we all complain about this stuff. Everyone does...all of us, in the "first world" anyway. Is the "first world problems" thing supposed to put things into perspective? Well...fuck yourself.

      Sure, our problems seem pretty pretentious and self serving, when it comes to third world famine, genocide and disease plagued countries and people. EVERYTHING does, but, they're still problems, relative to our own society. 

      Yes, we aren't starving, naked people living in constant fear, but, if you gave all those poor bastards everything we have, they'd eventually start complaining about the same shit we do now. So, what are you making fun of, you fucking ass face? Their problems are relative to their society. 

      Their problems were not created by us, not on purpose anyway, so making me feel guilty about something I had no part in. It's like blaming the pharmacist for not hard selling your Mom on birth control. You know, so she wouldn't have given birth to an asshole. Go feed those fucking third world pricks, elevate their standard of living so they can complain about their cable being out...and leave everyone the fuck out of it. Fuck head. Plus, you're being snarky and witty about "first world problems" by creating a meme...on the fucking internet, which, by and large, is a first world medium. Just shut the hell up!

And while you're at it...

2. YOLO! Asshole!


But, you can fuck yourself...many, many times.

      Can jerk-off's saying this hurry up and fuckin' die already? Seriously. If you say this more than NEVER, you're a douche'. There is no way to redemption. I would go as far, as to say, that I'd find the inventor of this bullshit and beat in his liver with a rusty shovel, but, someone already shot him. Unlucky for us, a talent lacking Canadian and his ugly friend took up the YOLO shtick and now we're stuck with it. Fucking Canadians. They can never leave well enough alone. 


Fucking Canada.

      Regardless of whether Canada is partly to blame or should bear the full load of asshole-ness, YOLO needs to be dropped...fast. When shit like this makes it onto shirts...the game is over. Then, it's only a matter of time before your Mom buys one and living the YOLO dream, kicks you out of your dank basement hovel of used beer cans and broken XBox head sets. Where will you be then? Probably Canada...traitor.

      Besides all of that, YOLO as a philosophy or way of life is, in itself, hopelessly stupid. Most morons tend to buy into it because it means, "Fuck it. I can justify doing stupid shit because, I only live once.", when in fact...you live EVERY day. Every single fuckin' day. You only DIE once. Which...is what everyone who ever said YOLO should absolutely fucking do. Right now.

Though, they won't, not until they gather enough...

1. SWAG! 


It's all about...shutting the hell up.

      Swag. What the hell does that even mean? Is it supposed to mean "swagger" or is it still the stuff the radio stations give away to "up" attendance at shitty concerts? Either way, fuck it. Fuck it right in it's rhinestone covered ass. It wouldn't be so bad if it was only brain dead fashionista pricks staying it, but, it's made it all the way to Chinese bootleg t-shirt makers and the white gangsta wannabes buying them.

      So far as I can tell, SWAG is the word used for dressing like a complete douche bag. Not just any douche bag mind you, but, one willing to spend exorbitant amounts of money...to look poor. Okay, maybe not poor, but, like someone who was kicked out of a Goodwill for stealing clothes...and is also color blind.


Pictured: 80's B-Boy...nope...swag-tastic fuck heads.

      I understand that a lot of you want to look stupid and that is fine. I encourage it. It gives me someone to point and laugh at, which is hard on some days. Making yourself an easy target is helpful, but, for fuck's sake, stop trying to make your poor fashion choices into something cool. It's not and never will be. Your inability to distinguish expensive hobo clothing from actual hobo clothing is laughable. Calling it Swag just makes you look silly and sad. Okay...more sad than anything. Just...fucking stop. Plus...


The Beastie Boys did it better...you slack bitches.

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2 comments:

  1. You said more than I could every say about these atrocities, and I thank you for that. Nothing irritates me more than people who follow "FML" with a vague, indecipherable comment(except maybe hemorrhoids).

    Example: "FML: I hate everyone!"

    Then they're friends respond with, "OMG me too!"

    And then I sit there grinding my teeth into oblivion.

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