Wednesday, August 1, 2012

5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job: The Know-It-All

5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job: 

#3The Know-It-All

Hi. I'm a jerk-off. Did you know that? I did. 

      I'm not stupid, at least not openly, like some closeted gay equivalent of stupid...or something that is also closeted...but, not. I don't claim to be a genius either. I'm average...exceptionally average--exceptionally, extraordinarily average... except my genitalia...that's huge.

      My schlong aside, I'm exactly the same type of guy you'd give the finger to for...whatever you give average people the finger for. You do that, yeah? People still do that, right? Randomly?

      Being that I'm an average, regular dip-shit, I "know a few things", but, it's a far cry from ALL things. For instance, I know that duct tape is not food, nor currency, yet, can be used creatively to obtain both. Oh, and a Cleveland Steamer is neither a boat nor a trunk (I'll never make that mistake again.). The little I know, for the most part, is limited to masturbatory techniques, how to NOT injure myself while using those techniques...and scripture. No, I'm kidding. I whack off WAY too much to read a bible. So, if things I don't know about are brought up in conversations, I keep my mouth shut. A subject falling outside those parameters arises...which is, surprisingly, I just listen and nod a lot. I'm a born listener, what can I say?

Seriously. What? Derkin? I can say "derkin" if you want. 
I invented it.

      The "Know-It-All", shits in the face of all of that. He or she knows everything about...everything and is more than willing to tell your ignorant ass about it. Yet, while expounding on their vast knowledge on ALL subjects a small, quirky problem arises. The problem? They're fucking idiots.

       They're secretly--hapless, tard farts that talk out their asses. So much in fact you wonder if they shit out of other orifices instead, like a wacky armed, shit spraying lawn toy. Be it a discussion on the nuance of quantum mechanics or how to properly wash a syphilitic porn star on a windy day you quickly discover, they know dick about any of it.

This is how you do it, by the way. 
Yes, they still have syphilis, but, 
they have a shiny coat afterward

      Every stray, misguided fact illustrates that they know less than dick, in fact. So much less than dick...they might be hard pressed to divulge the specifics of their own genitalia...were they  pressed, they would refer to it as a dick-gina or vagi-cock, possibly a "derkin". If you should you ever need to know that, of course. God, I hope you don't need to know that.

This came up in a search for "WTF"...thanks Google. Boner achieved.

      Basically, this real world Cliff Clavin, is the shit talker at work. Though, not in a belligerent sense. They'd fold like a poorly made blow up doll if it came to confrontation. Though, it's surprising they're not in a constant state of kicked ass. You do want to hit very bad.. A dull rage passes through your mind, almost...every time he mentions all, because you know it's atrociously and inevitably wrong. A painful kind of wrong.

      The rage can hit a fever pitch at times. Especially when they're talking about something you actually know about. You try to correct them, but, they'll have none of it. Their dumb ass version is right, you...being knowledgeable are wrong. Rather than back their side with fact...or even logic, they try to one up your rightness with their asinine wrongness, simply by getting louder than you. Ooohhhh...sweet punch...find a place in this person's face, so that I may smile.

Then, move aside...there will be a line.

How to not be that guy:

      People that use information in a "know-it-all" way are usually over compensating beyond their abilities. They're trying to utilize it in a way, it would seem, to show superiority over others. Somewhere along the line, someone probably called them stupid or made them feel stupid and they invariably took it to mean "acting smart means being called an idiot less"--the best offense is a good defense...intelligence wise. That's retarded. Whomever called you a joke. Fuck those people.

      Being smarter and sounding smarter are two different things. Smart people look just like everyone else, except they are building bombs in garages in their past time. Smart SOUNDING people can describe what a bomb looks like as shown to them in numerous movies and television shows. It seems pretty stupid and it is, yet, people are doing it all the time...the latter thing that is. I hope there isn't a bomb building Mensa somewhere. That's just fucking spooky.

I do this in the name of smartness!

      It's alright not to know everything. Saying, "Oh, I didn't know that. Tell me about it." doesn't automatically equal "fucking stupid" or that you are admitting that you're intellectually defunct and are in need of adult diapers and a cup to drool in. It just means that you're a regular, inquisitive person. alright to be.

      People like teaching other people things. It's in our nature to pass along the good idea or fact. It seems like we've contributed to betterment of our fellow man in some way. So, being the recipient of those tidbits of information invites you into a sort of collaboration of a student-teacher exchange

   . Those roles swap around a lot of course...because people don't know everything and could learn something from you. You might actually, realistically know something that another person doesn't know. Just don't be a dick about it, you derkin bitch.


  1. Ah yes the know-it-all. I know everything there is to know about know-it-alls. A lot more than you, in fact. Perhaps I can teach you sometime... after I browse wikipedia for something... unrelated...

  2. I have the great pleasure in working with someone who isn't a know-it-all but a never-wrong combined with a done-it-all-before. But I would still like to punch them in the face :)

    1. OOoohhhhh!!! Those are my favorites! I too want to punch them, repeatedly, in the face and abdomen. Oh, how sweet would that be.

      Sometimes, I like to lead them into something completely ridiculous to see if they'll follow it...conversation wise.


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