Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Elton Versus The Scammers: The British Lawyer

Man, oh, man life has been treating me weird lately. I feel so behind in everything! Like a four balled man at a testicle kicking contest. Did you ever feel like you were asked to attend a costume party, then, decide to dress like a woman (because it's funny) and show up to find, that the party is actually a drag queen convention? Well, that's what I feel like. Just weird.

      Regardless, I'm back on track,maybe, and dispensing with ready made vigilante-esque justice for sinister, swarthy Nigerians. I'm here to dispel the villainy of Nigerian scamming...one tard at a time. This, however, involves at least 3 different guys...maybe. Who knows? Regardless, when I left off (you can read that here), I had finished with the soldier, mostly and have now moved on to the British lawyer.

The British Lawyer

This is an actual, real Nigerian lawyer, so, if you 
ever see him on the street, don't punch him 
and beat him with obscenely floppy dildos.

 Dear E

I have just read your email as per the instruction from Col Johnson David.

I need to have from you urgently your mailing address and your cell
telephone number to enable me submit same over to the delivery company
for the shipment of the trunks to your address.

Sir, William Scott,

I am a patriot of the highest order, sir. I love this country and it's
unflappable glory, like a straight woman loves penis. 
I am more than willing to help an american
soldier/hero/freedom savior when I can.

 This transaction that was proposed
to me seems more than legit. The one concern I have is your loyalty to the
Queen of England. I understand she's a fine woman and most likely a lover
of guns, but, still, she's not American.

Sir, I need to know that you are not a red coat loyalist and are doing
right by this U.S. soldier. Only then, will I send you the information you

He didn't respond immediately, so, I took it upon myself to cattle prod him a little bit. Nigerian scam folk are crafty at question dodging. Wait...does crafty mean clumsily moronic? If it does...then, they are.


My name is E and I have recently been in contact with a young
 soldier who found some money in Afghanistan. He said to contact you so that
 I might help him get it. Now, I'm sure you do a decent job at lawyering and
 want not, Mr. Scott, but, I'd like it noted that you are not American. At
 least not in country. I have it on good authority that everyone in the U.K.
 is secretly tracked, via small sub-dermal chips in their skin, by the Queen
 of England. Therefore, 99% of British people shouldn't be trusted. The 1%
 that remains of course are the American friendlies sprinkled throughout
 that Godless country.

 So, with that being said Mr. Scott, I want to know...truthfully, if you
 love America and all of it's Red, White and Blue flag draped on bald eagles
 and hunting rifled glory or are you a dirty British sympathizer who tried
 to keep us under the thumb of a tyrannical king.

 I am serious, Mr. Scott. I await your reply.

Dear E

You will agree with me that this is taking longer than required.

I am a Briton and not  a red coat loyalist to any one. Now send to me
thr required information immediately and let me process the trunks
delivery to your address.

Willaism Scott

After getting a poor spelling Nigerian lawyer to explain that he's not a red coat. Obviously, you give him your address. It's the only logical progression in this correspondence. 

Thank you, sir. My heart swells with the sweet red, white and blue blood of American pride. Thank your lucky stars that you're not a microchipped enslaved drone of the Queen. I hear that's a special kind of hell filled with blood pudding, "fish and chips" and music of Graham Nash. Just saying that name gives me a shudder that I can't stop without freebasing antihistamine and ground up bald eagle feathers.

I apologize for this taking so long. I had to make sure you weren't a House of Windsor automaton, right? Wouldn't want the Queen to use this soldier's hard earned Afghan blood money to buy more shiny baubles and painted toe nails...and other royal like stuff. Besides, I was doing business in Detroit. There was a gun show/militia meeting. We ate nachos.

Here's my addy:  1127 Goldleaf Lane
                          Weehawken, NJ 07087 

Here's my cell, it's also my business/militia jamboree number too. If you're ever in town, Mr. Scott, feel free to call. Maybe we can go shoot some Un-American beer cans and maybe do a neighborhood watch/Tupperware party together. Though, your accent will surely scare the children. Some find it unsettling. It's nothing new to me, however. Can you believe they scream and run when I walk down the street? Like they've never seen a loaded AK-47...or and UZI...or an M-16, am I right? Here's the number: 201-669-8077

Dear E

Thank you for your mail and the mailing information.

I will be at the world wide delivery company this Thursday morning to
submit your mailing information and will revert to you as soon as I

Have a wonderful day.

It would appear that the bastard scam...uh..bastards have almost...half won! They have my information and now need my money. They ALWAYS need money, can you believe that? So, I wait for them to pop the big question...when, suddenly...the FBI gets involved.

[NEXT: The F.B.I. Guy.]

      The address and phone number are not mine by the way. I got it from some generator I found online. I like to imagine that somewhere...in a dark Los Angeles alley, a drunken man, hopefully with an unintelligible accent is answering his phone and talking to perplexed Nigerians about a man named E. and his love of America...and disdain for Graham Nash. 


  1. "99% of British people shouldn't be trusted" I can attest to this, and as such, need to hide £7.4 million from the Queen and her sentry droids. Please send me your bank account details and sort code and I'll hide it in your bank and let you keep 79%.

    I've had my fair share of scammers. They've changed email address often, but never changed their persona on me before. I'm interested to see where this goes.

    1. This is a first for me as well. Usually, I look up a few Nigerian curse words and they get so mad they never answer back. This time, I thought I would play along for a while.

  2. Also amazing how former French colonies like Senegal and Benin have suddenly adopted English common law and have barristers in chambers.




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