Elton Versus The Scammers: The F.B.I. Agent.

The beginning of this mess is WAY back here. Catch up already!    

      Impersonating a federal agent is a tricky affair and oddly enough, never has the pay off you're looking for. You never fool anyone doing it. There's an added bonus of, unless it's Halloween, ending up in prison for as well. Federal prison, of course, housing the "alphas" of today's prison system, it's the headquarters for today's best and brightest prison rapists. So, it's not a very nice, nor sexy place to end up. Especially after some poorly thought out cos play.

I will be entering the facility at roughly 2 pm and, I assume,

 the facility will be entering me roughly soon after--over.

      Despite the possible rape-age, many morons still whip out the "I'm an FBI...person." occasionally. The Nigerian scam-tard saying he's a Fed is one of those times and is just as stupid as you think it is. No. Check that--it's more stupid. It's so ridiculous, it has lead me to believe there's an epidemic of gas huffing computer nerds in Nigeria.

Not a federal agent, he only plays one in a Nigerian internet cafe.

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION

FBI HEADQUARTERS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

Federal Bureau Of Investigation.

FBI-Washington Field Office

601 4th Street, NW

Washington, DC 20535

ATTENTION: E

OFFICIAL NOTICE FROM FBI

My Name is Agent  Wood from justice department , Federal Bureau Of Investigation , Washington DC. It has been discovered that a vault containing  a photo chronic material,diamonds and gold covered with clothes registered in your name as the final beneficiary through special diplomatic 

courier has been stopped in JFK airport NY for further clarification.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (F.B.I.) waded in after being alerted by the the intelligent unit in England. It was further revealed that initial delivery originated from Iraq to England, final destination USA through Red cross Special Diplomatic Jet.These delivery did not follow due process in line with the international courier rules and regulation.

We have been notified by Serious Organized Crime Agency (S.O.C.A ) England that a clearance pass was not issued from the proper authorities in London, England and the diplomat handling this vault further transferred the vault to another red cross Jet headed USA with an obnoxious intent.

This has raised their suspicion ,anyways a report has stated that the vault has been scanned and passed screening, has nothing illegal and is not associated to terrorism. As stated above, the vault has your particulars on it, and you must have the clearance pass obtained from England through the diplomat handling 

the consignment,as it is the submission of the Intelligent unit (S.O.C.A) instructing FBI to have the Vault Stopped from further delivery until the Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer Pass Certificate is issued from England. We have a warrant from international intelligence  to have you the beneficiary and the courier company secure the Diplomatic Immunity Seal of Transfer from the the Airport Authority In London, England where the pass warrant was avoided before we further release the vault and have you 

and your courier diplomat cleared of any illegality .

Therefore contact the diplomat handling the delivery of your parcel to clarify this situation.

Note that you guys have 3 working days to obtain this crucial Documentation.

Faithfully Yours

Agent Clive Wood for

Robert S. Mueller III

FBI Director

Federal Bureau Of Investigation.

FBI-Washington Field Office

601 4th Street, NW

Washington, DC 20535

CC. TO:

Supreme Court of the United States

Supreme Court of Canada 

U. S. District Courts

Canadian District Courts

Canada & U. S. Court of Federal Claims, 1982 -

Federal Courts Outside the Judiciary 

Serious Organized Crime Agency (SOCA ) England

Oh, man! I was on a business trip selling blow to a friend of mine. 20kg worth to be exact. That's not easy to do Agent Woody, sir. I'd like an extension of some sort. Is that possible? I'm an American and I demand an extension!

 I need some time to launder money I recently received and I'll shoot on over and get that trunks of goodies. My buddies and I, are going to use it to purchase a LOT of guns for the up coming Armageddon. It's going to be a real "humdinger". It's why I need those trunks...and why I'm selling all the blow. 

You can never be too prepared you know? Wait--you're from the uh...F.B.I.? Shit. Listen, when I said "blow", I meant...pops. It's a candy. Dammit--and by firearms I meant...sub machine guns that WON'T be concealed and aren't fully automatic. I didn't mean to confuse you. I've been drinking a lot of homemade whiskey and marijuana that I "found" in my basement under grow lights, lately. I apologize. Is it possible to get an extension? I'll contact the guy in England and sort this all out. You'll be doing me a HUGE favor by allowing me an extension. I might even be able to bribe you...which I may or may not do...depending on the legality. 

Who do I have to contact to get these trunks? 

Attn: E.

I am ready and willing to help you. 

We have just discovered that the 2 boxes has a total sum of $22 Million inside the trunks. Do you have the Drug free certificate, the money Laundry, Certificate and the Anti Terrorist Certificate issued to you by the Justice department on this money?

I am ready to assist you get the money down to your address if you co-operate with me.

Respond Urgently.

Agent Clive Wood

E.,

I need to receive your response to my last mail urgently or we will do the needful on your trunks.

Agent Clive Wood

Attn: E

Dear Sir

Treat this email with the utmost attention it deserves.

If we do not receive words from you in the next 5 working days from today, we will do the needful and get your boxes confiscated.

Agent Clive Wood

Having little patience, the dip shit just kept at it. Besides, I like to keep the F.B.I. waiting. It calms them and flaunts your self importance. They appreciate that.

Hello Agent What's His Face, 

I have been instructed to possibly bribe you...or not. I'm not sure. How much will it cost to get the trunks with all the awesome treasure to be released. Me and my cohorts are in desperate need of their content. We plan on arming a militia and building an underground lair for that militia, as well as constructing a roller rink and a fish taco stand. So, an expedient end to this transaction of trunk gold goodness would be outstanding. 

Would you like to meet in a dark alley? I have a trench coat, but, it's a...little...greasy. I'd like to tell you why, but, explaining oily nudity takes WAY too long. Tell me how much it's going to take to ease this process for all of us. Thank you.

Attn: E

Dear Sir

Your memo to my desk has been received and contents noted with thank.

You need to make available via western union the sum of $3000.00 urgently through the coordinates below to enable me process all the documents 

and release your 2 boxes to your address via FedEx.

REEIVER                       FRANK GREEN

DESTINAION                 NEW YORK

TEST QUESTION           IN GOD

ANSWER                      WE TRUST.

Let me have the MTCN number once you send down the fee.

Agent Clive Wood

      FINALLY! We get to the money. What the hell were they waiting for? The suspense was killing me. Though, it does answer the age old question of "How many Nigerians does it take to scam money via email?". The answer is 3. 

      So, we've gotten to the money! Next, the chilling end...or not. Not so chilly, just monstrously stupid. So, achingly stupid, you'll wish that punishment for Nigerian scamming involved a time machine and legalized abortion.

[Next: Bribing The F.B.I., JFK and a Terrorist Act]