Friday, September 21, 2012

Elton Versus The Scammers: The F.B.I. Agent Again...

      Normally, I'm not one to spew on and on about the same thing. I try and relegate ridiculous sputtering to one lengthy, impossibly stupid post and not many. These, however, are just too good to pass up. Who knew that Nigerian scammers would be such ridiculous fun? It wasn't in the brochure. So, if you will just indulge me for a bit, I promise, I'll stop soon.

Check out the previous post for the beginning of this mess...or start at the beginning, beginning. Either's the rest.

      $3000.00 isn't a problem. I have that in a sock on my door knob. The problem might be Western Union. You see, the last time I used them, we had a disagreement. They had a problem recognizing my American god given right to bear arms as guaranteed by the 2nd Amendment to our great and holy U.S. Constitution.

      Apparently, carrying a AR15 rifle slung over your shoulder "scares customers" (whatever in the commie shit that means). So, I'm not allowed back on their premises, DESPITE my legal challenges. Is there another way I can wire you the money?

Oh, shit, I wanted to ask you...does this count as a bribe?

       I had a conversation with a lawyer and he said...uh...I'm not sure. Even after that conversation, I'm still kinda lost, he was English and confusing. Would you rather have sex? I mean, I'm a straight guy. I'd rather not do the sex, but, if it's what it takes to get this thing done. You know...I might consider...maybe. I--I don't know. Just let me know if it's some sexual shit you want or just...whatever. Let me know.

Attn E

Dear Sir 
Go over to Money Gram and sned dow the fee immediately. 
Let me have the money gram reference number as I am in the office rigght now waiting.

Agent Clive Wood 

Alright, I have the $3000.00 here at the Moneygram place. Everything's golden. They said that...being this is an official bribe of for U.S. federal would need to fill out these forms. They said it's a standard form that's required in order to make an "official federal bribe". 

They also said that you would understand and comply. So, print these out, fill in the information, scan them back in or whatever you have to do, so I can get this $3000.00 to you. I'm here in the office, right now, using their computer. A young woman with big boobs, mean eyes and little patience is giving me shit. They'll be closing soon, so, make it snappy, Agent Clive Owen Woody. 

P.S. I'm glad you didn't want the sex.

The forms I'm referring to can be found here. They are fake and they are brilliant. I pissed myself reading them. It was messy.

Attn E

Dear Sir  
I do not understand all these process because al you need to do at money gram is will out their form and include the coordinates of how to snd the money and them hand over the money to the Money gram official and he will give you an 8 digit number which is the reference number and you will send the number to me.

Fill out the form urgently and send the fee.

Agent Clive Wood 

I was told that the forms were to be filled out and returned by the government official receiving the official bribe. They said that the forms are fairly straight forward and could be filled out and returned to proceed with the issuance of the "Governmental Bribe Money Gram" (whatever that means). 

The people at Money Gram said that these forms were standard requirement in order to make the transfer. It was understood that you, being a federal agent, would be familiar with these forms and procedures. Aren't you a government agent? I'm confused.

Dear Sir  

We have received money times without number from western union and money gram and there is nothing like such form so I do not know where you got them from.

Go over to another money gram outlet and just fill out the senders form and hand them  the money and nothing again than the reference number which you will sned to me.

I have no time or such form.

Agent Clive Wood

Something seems strange about all this, Agent Woody Clive. These were given to me by Money Gram for you to fill out. If I go to another outlet, I'm sure they'll give me the same forms. An FBI agent should be familiar with these, sir. Hey, maybe you're just cramped for time. I get that. 

So, fill them out, send them back and lets get this done already. I've got $3000.00 ready to go! I just need these forms so I can send this. My money is ready to go! (photo of money ready to go attached)

(photo I attached and also the closest this blog has come to making money)

Attn E

Dear Sir  

I have never seen such because I do sned money by MG too and what I do is just pick the senders form and fill out the information and hand over to the agent and theyw will compute the info to their system and give me the reference number.

Give me time to study the form and I will get back to you.

Agent Clive Wood

Oh, the power of money to change a tune.

Okay, sir. You had me worried that you weren't a true FBI agent for a minute. I was panicked! Phew, I'm glad you're the real deal. I've got the cash ready to go! I need those trunks for my underground lair/roller derby rink/fish taco stand. My militia will be so happy. I'll be waiting Agent Woody Owen Clive. 

Attn E

Now I understand with the kind of emails i read from you that you have syche problem. You must be sick to send me such a rubbish form and ask me to fill. Fill it your self and submit.

I am taking a final decision on your boxes by Monday.

Good bye

 Agent Clive Wood

I have what problems? Something's fishy with you, Clive Woody. So, are you saying you're not a real agent, sir? Are you trying to duck out of 

filling out official forms because  you are not in fact a government agent, Agent Clive Woody? I. Am. Shocked. I'm just trying to get these trunks released and because you have some hang up about filling out some forms, I can't have them. 

The only one holding up this stuff is you Agent Woody Clive Owen...if that is your real name! I was weirded about sending so much cash via Money Gram anyway. If you don't want the bribe, then, so be it. I just wanted to do the patriotic thing with all of this.

 I'm an American, sir, and if you can't respect a standardized form, then, YOU must be some kinda...anti-American federal agent. Just fill out the forms, so I can send you the money already, Otu nne gi!

Those last three words are Nigerian curse words. It means...roughly, "Your Mother's Cunt".



Sorry, that was inserted on the suggestion of one of my militia colleagues. He said it was a code phrase that you...being a "federal agent" would understand. What does it mean, exactly? I'm not sure. 

What can I do to remedy this situation, Agent Clive Woody? I still have a WAD of cash here. Get those forms back to me, I'll send you the money...with a little extra *wink, wink* and everything will be golden, onye nzuzu.

Those last words are calling him an idiot in Nigerian. As insulting as those words are...I can see why the misspell so many things. Their words look like they were formed by throwing a keyboard down stairs.

Otu nne gi!
 Anu Nna gi
onye nzuzu
Anu Ofia
Nne gi ga Nwu shortly.
Nna Gi Ga Nwu soon
Umu nee gi ga Nwu oge na etegi aka.
I will attend your mother's burial soon.

Wow. You're being especially harsh, sir. That isn't even American, Agent Cock Woody. It appears that you have phonetically spelled out the sounds of you choking on a man's penis. Is this what has happened? Is the F.B.I. currently engaged in an all male orgy? An orgy...which according to you, will involve my mother's burial? Besides, sir, it waiting for my mother's burial might take a while. She's not exceptionally old. 

May I make a suggestion? Perhaps, the orgy might ask your mother, as she is often involved in many orgies, both straight and homosexual, for very little money. In fact, I heard she would do it for you are her child and retarded any way. Who would say no to a retarded person? Especially...a retarded federal agent. 

Oh, and I was told to say..."yo, fadder, punk bitch". Does that mean your "fadder" is an all male orgy fella too? You dey craze! It can be a family affair! YAY! Mumu.

That last slug of nonsense with "fadder" and want not, are apparently are what pass for insults in Nigeria. I think they might be better at scams than hurting each other's feelings. 


  1. You obviously have "syche" problems, and dammit, I love that you do. That was hilarious. The fact that you looked up Nigerian curse words was an inspired decision. At the very least you succeeded in wasting his time and possibly sparing an elderly victim. Well done, sir.

    1. I UPDATED IT! I forgot to add him cursing back...or did I? Regardless, I updated.

      Wasting his time and amusing myself were all I ever wanted. If he can spend more time cursing at me than nicking some old ladies retirement from her dying, decrepit hands, I feel I have contributed to society.

      Thank you, thank you.


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