Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The Learning Channel Humps The South with Mind Reading Trailer Park Denizens.

      Television has taught me a lot over the years. Everything from what makes for the best date rape drug, how punching is always a valid way to resolving conflict or how to bully overly mouthy puppets has come from my undying devotion to mother television.

      It's been beneficial in some ways. It's soothing glow bestowing wisdom and unmitigated truth like some...wise, box shaped Yoda. All the knowledge isn't sound or even logical, I'll give you that. There's only so much you can glean from Mystery Science Theater 3000 or The History Channel before you realize that Nazi's are the scariest comedic gold in the universe and that literally anything is better in a bikini.


Search "Hitler bikini" and you get this. 
Thank you Google Images. 
You win again.

      Now, times have changed and it seems the relationship humanity has with the boob tube has soured. We, as a people, have wronged T.V. in some way and it's exacting it's revenge. How? By stealing our collective brain power and turning us into tubby piles of shit. Need proof? 

Honey fucking Boo Boo.


Fuckin' fuck fuck.

      I recall, way back in the post apocalyptic television landscape, left dead by Cheers, that the channel "T.L.C." actually stood for something. I mean...literally. It's a goddamn acronym for "The Learning Channel". 

      Remember that? When the channel put "learning" in it's name? They used to attempt to teach people useful information. Now? We get Southerners. Stupid fucking Southerners.

      I understand where it all went wrong. The blame lies solely with NASCAR. It gained the viewership of more than just drunken hillbillies and shit spiraled out of control. Why that happened, I'm not sure. I doubt God even knows. People latched onto that and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour horse shit. 

      Jeff Foxworthy being the main culprit and benefactor of that mess. All of his dip shit "Red Neck" dick pulling transformed the term "red neck", what was once considered a slight, into something ignorant white trash ass holes could be proud of. "Red neck" became a badge of honor among those it was directly making fun of. Actually, kind of like the word "nigger", but, for white people...and it's more or less accurate.


Yes. Holy shit in a hat, this guy is real. 

      This is the catalyst. What I don't see is how we've been duped for so long! Other than idiot circle racing and a mustachioed, ginger bumpkin, when did Southern white trash become America's sole source of entertainment? And why in the name of all that is fuckin' fuck is it on an "educational" channel?!

      The latest darling of "Southern dumb-ass" fascination is that overfed future trailer forclosure up there; Honey Boo Boo. That poor dumb bitch. What the hell happened to the world that being a completely talent-less idiot gets you famous? Not only that, but, the bad parents of said idiot too! Apparently, if you overfeed your child and rear them on caffeine soaked pork rinds, parade them in kiddie pageants and instill an apparent disdain for education, you get your own show. HOLY SHIT.

      I watched exactly 5 minutes, of one episode, and wanted to murder everyone who appeared on camera; not with weapons, but, with soul shattering insults and insight. The kind that house so much truth God would weep at their brute power and literal implications. Then, after the Honey Boo Boo cast had pinched out their tears and blew their brains out, God would place his hand on my shoulder...pat it and say, "That was fucking awesome, want a Michelob?" 

Welcome To Myrtle Manor, Mother Fucker!


Just...shit.

      Once, I saw a man juggling chainsaws and he was pretty good. He even did a flip while tossing them around. This isn't what fascinated me however. It was the fact that he was naked. I, being me, of course, imagined a gruesome end to his chainsaw routine. I envisioned one landing too soon, while he was mid-flip, then, out of sheer terror/surprise, he shit himself, slinging it into the air...only to right himself and catch it on his face. 

This is what I also imagined the world did when "Welcome To Myrtle Manor" got "green lit".

Stupid fucking red necks strike again, only this time, it's in the form of a trailer park. A trailer park populated by burn-outs, poor white people and ignorance...oh, and whores. 

      Normally, I'd call this "Louisiana", but, geography shows otherwise. Myrtle Manor is located in the great, uneventful state of South Carolina, whose main export is racism and white people. Don't think so? Watch "Welcome to Myrtle Manor" for 3 minutes (which would be exactly one minute longer than I watched) and then shut the fuck up forever.


It was upon seeing this image 
that all the hope I had in humanity
 died.

      Trailer people and what they do between bouts of smoking weed is not our business and is not entertainment. It's their business...their sad, pathetic business. It's a symptom of our sad slip into the abyss of complete and utter stupidity that we would think otherwise. 

      From here on out, we should look at shows like this in much the same way we view the sun...which is indirectly, only when studying it and when teaching kids that if they stare at it, they will go blind, their palms will grow hair and their brains will dissolve, like a snail in a salt factory. A shit filled salt factory.

The Long Island Medium...bitch.


Shut your face, cunt! 
Sorry, I'm just emotional...
and want to punch her...
a lot.

      Ooohhhh, holy shit do I have a bone to pick with this bitch and MORE holy shit, with TLC. Firstly, this shit isn't educational. Unless TLC is in the market to teach the fine art of conning grief stricken people. Which, as a corporation, I sincerely hope it is...because, awesome. 

      If that is TLC's intention, it could do a lot better than this half witted sack of shit. The blonde bringer of assholery I'm referring to is none other than Theresa Caputo: grief vampire. Her show, "Long Island Medium" (which I will not link to), is roughly the equivalent of watching 30 full minutes of outright fraud being perpetrated by a white trash Long Island family on strangers who have deceased loved ones. Oh. Shit. Wait. The show is exactly that.


Ehhhhhh...I'm annoying too


      For those who don't live comfortably in reality--mediums aren't real. They can't speak to the dead, they can't communicate with the hear after, they just god damned can't. Why? Because the people they're trying to talk to are dead. Dead people don't talk. Ask them. Find a body and literally speak into it's clammy dead face a question. You'll get no response.
They're silent. 

      It'll be so silent you'll almost feel like they're mocking you with it. If that "stop mocking me, you fucking corpse!" feeling should give way to punchy rage, hit them. Go ahead, because they can't feel anything either...BECAUSE THEY'RE DEAD! If speaking to the dead were true, why aren't there more "mediums" frequenting funeral homes, wakes and services at cemeteries? Because they're frauds and everyone knows it...or should know it.


"I'm tellin' ya...I heard the bitch! She says she want's some waffles."

      Yeah, I know, I know...

      --you have that one friend that sees dead people. They talked to your recently deceased uncle that one time and--blah, blah, they're fucking lying to you. I'm sorry to tell you that, but, they are. However, if your friend/cousin/mother/aunt/guidance counselor/A.A. sponsor, truly believes they can tune in ghost talk, like a human dead talk radio receiver--they need help. Serious help. 

Get them help and call them a liar while doing it. 

      Regardless of your whacked out psychic friends, there's a special kind of hell for people like Theresa and her family. I say her family because it's painfully obvious that they're in on it to. If they don't know their mother is full of shit, they were born retarded on a level that would require a live in nurse. No nurse, no retardation, so, they know. 

Why are they going to hell? 

      Where else would someone, who invokes the memory of someone's dead loved one...for profit, go? Palms Springs? Uganda? Detroit? How about fucking Hell. If of course it exists at all. If it doesn't we should mock one up and place her bleach blonded vagina face--dead center of the mother fucker. Set the whole sha-bang on fire and head on out for drinks. You don't want to be around that amount of screaming. It's sad, sickening and you might want to stop it...just like I feel about her fucking show.



Let Penn & Teller tell you all about it.

      People, who have lost someone they love to tragedy, aging, accident and a slew of other horrific reasons, don't need the false hope delivered by a money junkie housewife using it to pump them for cash, claiming she can communicate with the dead. They need actual living people to talk to. They need friends and family to comfort them, not the empty rhetoric of someone who demands money for a fictitious service based on lies. It forever corrupts the memory of that loved one and replaces it with Theresa Capruto and scavengers like her. No one needs that or should ever have that happen to them. 

      This cunt getting her own show, conning people in front of a national audience, simply lends an air of legitimacy to the scam played out by "mediums" and psychics. A scam that bilks thousands of innocent people every year. What the fuck is TLC thinking? It's like making a reality show of a Nigerian internet cafe where scams are committed, calling it "The Internet Riches Call Center" and rolling film on that shit. 


We legit!


Fucking assholes.

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1 comment:

  1. Woah, that looks like a veritible cavalcade of crap right there. Thankfully, I haven't seen any of these shows, nor do I intend to either.

    That photo you've posted for Myrtle Manor, that guy looks like a gay ghostbuster.

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