Friday, January 4, 2013

Elton Says Things: 2012...Fuck You.

      As I tweak the nipple of yet another new year, I have chosen to use this post as a reflection on all that I have accomplished the previous year. I do this, not only a personal record, but, as a way of showing how much I suck and what a complete failure I am. May my short comings be inspirational fodder for those who make yearly resolutions...and fucking fail at them. You're not alone, in fact, as you will have nothing to feel bad about. Apparently, God hates us all.

The Unemployment Dance


      I started this year on a high...and low. Unemployed! For a lot of Americans, that means, I was either suckin' on the sweet tit of public funded charity (i.e. state sponsored alcoholism) or using unemployment compensation as a way to buffer against falling on hard times (brought on by irresponsible corporate monsters). I'm happy to report, it's BOTH, with a side order of PORN FOR DAYS!

      I was earning a fat unemployment check and doing "nothing" for it. If "nothing" can be defined as callus inducing masturbation. I, for a while, was living the American dream...until a feeling of worthlessness consumed me. Usually, its takes me at least six months for that to happen, but, with the deluge of newly discovered "free time", it was much sooner. 

      To compensate and not tear my dick off, I ate my free time...literally. I ballooned up. [Oh, side note: weight lifters looking for a great way to bulk up? Get shit canned and depression eat your way to muscular greatness. If that is how you do it. What the hell else is weight gainer powder for? Do sweaty balls need powdered protein? Hm...what?]

Fingering A Keyboard

Yeah. You like that, you sexy bitch?

      So, as any bored unemployment suckler would do...I tried to make an animated cartoon. Ambitious, I know...especially since I've never, ever done it. Ever. Still, like a succulent bourbon, will grant an idiot, drunken confidence to show his penis to a super model, so, unemployment compensation will empowerment an idiot into a career choice beyond his skill set. Doctor Elton, anyone? 

      Alas, as I lurched toward conquering the field of animation, I found my writing skills had atrophied a little, since, I hadn't a written a fucking thing in years. So, like any clear minded man-child, I started a blog

      It's a bit cliche, given the unpopularity of Perez Hilton and his ilk (and that fucking Huffington Post) I figured, I couldn't go wrong. Regardless, I threw down my gauntlet and gave it a whirl. A few hundred insults I sit, barely an inch from where I started. It's better than nothing I suppose. I could be wallowing in a tub of my own filth, sobbing uncontrollably and forcing myself to watch Dawson's Creek re-runs...because I'm too stupid to deserve better. I mean, I could do that...but, what would gift myself on my birthday?

Oh, The Better Stuff

I have no idea what the hell this is, but, it 
came up on a search for "better stuff". 

      Blogging my ass out...apparently, I wanted to diversify my "portfolio" a bit. I have no idea what that means. Really, I figured, maybe I could write for other people. Why not? I had tons of time to kill the shit out of. 

      So, with the help of Funny or Die, Comedy Rants and Sinquiry (all of which are hellaciously funny on their own and in no need of my constant dick banter) I am trying to expand my foray into writing laughable shit on the internet. It's not an easy task, mind you. I can only say poop, piss and fart chugger so many times before it gets old. Right not, I'm close to maxing out my quota. Might have to pay a fine with my ass. Blech. 



      As it would happen, this year has started out...exactly the same: jobless, depressed and wanting to drink heavily.I feel I'm somewhat further ahead, however. I have this...fucking blog thing up and running. Plus, I have a lot more opportunities to spread my diseased mind across the internet. Not all bad, I suppose. I hope you'll stick around for my asshole antics and ranting. Maybe I'll become "professional"? Yeah, right...when dicks fly.


  1. It's a new year & you get a new quota of word usage. You are funny or at least you make me laugh. And I don't even like dick jokes! Your dick I will tolerate! See that wasn't funny, so just shows how hard it be funny! I only wish you'd tweet more but I guess you have rsi?

    1. Awwww...well, my dick thanks you.

      As for Tweeting, I tend to do it in spurts (no...pun intended?). I'll try to get on there more, I promise.

  2. Hehe, "state sponsored alcoholism." I very conveniently was fired from a job once during college and used the extra fundage to help me get through a semester. I wrote alot (for the college paper) and may or may not have spent a good deal of time at the bar as well!
    You're pretty damn funny, I hope you can in fact make a go at this humor writing thing :)

    1. I hope I can too. It'll help justify my rather large collection of midget porn antiquities. Thank you.


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