Monday, January 14, 2013

The Elton Says Things Almost Advertising Road Show--ish.

      Walking to the podium, my throat was dry and I was starting to sweat. The lights beat down on me with a heat, almost too intense to bear. I was probably exaggerating. I was anxious, nervous and wearing a pair of clown pants...going commando. That didn't help much. Plus, wearing grease paint didn't facilitate the kind of confidence I was assured it would. Why I was wearing a shirt that read, "Stop Being A Prick, Dicks Are For Chicks!", What the hell does that even mean?

      The crowd, silhouetted amid the spot light glare was deathly silent. I placed my pre-written speech cards on the podium, adjusted the mic and took a breath.
"How did I get here?", I wondered as I opened my mouth to speak. Oh yeah, I remember...

Wilt Chamberlain.

That magnificent bastard.

      Having just spent the previous two weeks drunk and broke, I decided to take my newly reborn zeal for writing on the road. It was a new year and time for new lease on career building. If I was to make any money blogging, people had to know I had a blog. I decided the best way to get the word out was old school advertising. It seemed the cheapest and most cost effective. Before I could start,...I had to eat. 

      "You've got a what?", said Gordon, an old guy I had just met, sitting to my left at the diner's counter. I explained what a blog was...again...and continued eating my bacon, double cheese burger with a side order of arterial plaque. "...and you're taking a advertise it?". I nodded in affirmation. "Can't you just do that ON the internets?", he said with obvious lack of technological lingo.

So? Who farted?

      "I could, but, it would just get lost among all the other people advertising blogs and bullshit...and porn." 
"There's porno on the internets?!", my ancient diner acquaintance exclaimed in disbelief, "Where do I sign up?" he chuckled. I replied, mouth full of burger, with scoffing laugh, mocking him. He didn't get it.

      "Did you know about these porno-nets, Earl?", Gordon said to Earl, his equally old counterpart who, until now, had been engrossed in a news paper. Without looking away from his paper he said,  "No I didn't." flipping to the next page. Apparently, Earl is a man of few words and a complete disinterest in sweet, sweet porno.

      "How do you plan on advertising yer...bloggin-whatsit?" he asked. "I'm not sure really. I just know that I want to do it in the real world and not online. I want it to be memorable, then, it might go viral...on the internet.". 

Like herpes...or a Family Guy quote.

      Gordon, brow furrowed in confusion tipped back his trucker cap and scratched his head. "You want to advertise something that's on the internets--in the real world, so that people will see it, make it viral by putting it back up on the internets.", he recounted. "Yes.", I confirmed. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of.", Earl chimed in. 

      I gave Earl a sideways glare, which he didn't see. Gordon ruminated for a moment and said, "So, need a gimmick." he concluded. "Basically. Yes." I established, "Something everyone will remember.". 

I took another bite of my burger, as we contemplated various gimmicks. "You could strap a dildo to your forehead and call yourself Captain Dickman, King of Cockland and dance around at intersections, flopping around your forehead penis...and maybe do some singing.", Earl the bewilderment of Gordon, Me and the waitress who was bringing Gordon a slice of key lime pie. 

      He looked up at the waitress and asked, "You'd remember that wouldn't yuh?", to which she replied with awkward silence and quietly walking away and eyeing him over her shoulder. He went back to reading his newspaper and muttering, "I'd remember the shit out of that.".

      "Hey are you any good at sports? People love the hell out of sports and that kind of stuff", Gordon contributed breaking Earl's statement's awkward spell. "It depends, I guess on what--", I managed to get out before Earl added, "You could break Wilt Chamberlain's 100 points in a single game record.". 

      Again, Gordon and I were befuddled and looked at Earl in silence. He looked back at us and said, "What? There's a write up about it in the paper. Something about a guy who was at that game...or something. It doesn't matter. The thing is, no one has ever broken the record. It would be one hell of a memorable advertisement, event...viral...what have you. You'd be famous."

"Hey, he's right!", Gordon exclaimed, "You'd be in the history books.". 

"I'm not good at basketball." I admitted, "I'm a terrible shot and kinda clumsy and I'm white. Excessively white.".

"Ah, well, it's worth a shot, right? Just saying you're going to do it might be enough.", Earl amended.

"Sure it would--", Gordon said, "They'd remember it even more if you did it where Wilt got the record."

"Where is that?"

"Hershey, Pennsylvania, right up the road from here.", Earl informed.

"It seems a little outlandish and impossible.", I scoffed.

"You could always sport that dildo and do a dance.", Earl rebutted.

      Being that I didn't have a dildo. I decided to go for the record, despite not having the ability, talent or skill set necessary to achieve it. It might be fun to try, right? I'd never get that far, however. As I would find out...even the dildo get up would have been a hell of a lot easier.

[to be continued...]

{Oh, a quick side note: I've started contributing at another place. You can read it here. I've also started a "talk radio show"...that's on the internet. It can be found here. I do it every Saturday at midnight. You can call into it and talk to me! The number is (347) 326-9252. Feel free to call and harass me to no end. It would definitely "up" the entertainment value. 


  1. Ooh! Exciting things afoot. Of which this little miss nosey Parker will be checking out :)

    1. I hope so. I need all the readership I can get.

  2. Hmm, I'm intrigued! Continue when???


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