Friday, December 21, 2012

So, You've Survived The Mayan Apocalypse

Hello Apocalypse survivors!

If you're reading this, then, the communications lines, servers and infrastructure to support them have survived the fiery Mayan hell fire. Good for you! Not only do you have access to this blog, but, enough porno to last until the next Mayan related death orgy. Kudos to you! I'd tell you to do a happy dance and spike a football, but, you'd probably have to do it on the piles of corpses now strewn across the burnt and charred landscape. That might make you kind of sad and I wouldn't want to do that. So, shut the door on your newly acquired mansion, crack open a tin of Spam and let's get to it!

How To Rebuild Civilization After The Mayan Apocalypse

Your new home!

      First and foremost, congratulations! Having survived the end of the world is a pretty big deal. I can only imagine how many ravenous hordes of rapey insane mad men you've had to scurry from and all those surplus thieving suburbanites you've slaughtered just to be in your position. I commend you. You are the stuff of blood soaked legend. 

      Unfortunately, the toughest work is still ahead. After all the Cheetos are gone and the XBox controllers are worn to nubs, the sordid task of rebuilding the world will have to be attended to.

Why Rebuild Civilization?

Because rebuilding is pier?

      Yeah, I know. Doing shit is a bitch, especially after you've sat on your ass watching every episode of "Good Times". Plus, ALL that masturbating! Who would want to lift and DO stuff after that? Well, there comes a time after every apocalypse when things must be rebuilt. It's mostly out of necessity...and partly out of boredom. Basically, you'll be running out of shit soon and by shit I mean: water, electricity, food, etc. So, you'll have to get crackin' on that right away. 

How To Start

Apparently, the thirties were a bad time to wear shirts.

      First and foremost, you're going to need help. Farms, libraries and cock fighting rings don't build themselves. Plus, you'll need the brain power of a few more survivors, to compensate for the years spent pursing fake video game championships instead of learning to build...farms, libraries and cock fighting rings.

      You might run into some opposition however. Maybe someone else wants to rebuild too, only their's will be run by someone who's not as cool as You can't have that shit. How do you win the favor of the sweaty, unwashed labor pool? With promises! It's worked for thousands of years, it should work just fine now. Just toss out a few promissory words about free internet, Jesus wanting them to work exclusively for you and how the other guy regularly eats children when provoked and you're set.  

Knowledge Is Power!

So...the cat is never actually IN the

      Given that reading is a somewhat taboo act today, relegated to nerds wanting to learn things that aren't already on the Discovery Channel. You'll have to take your crew of devoted drones to a library...if it hasn't been burned by contemptuous illiterates already. There, you'll find everything you need to know about re-building the world in your own image. Everything from "How to Farm" to "Engineering 101" can be found there, so, your new world will start out with a fairly good footing. Just stay away from any magazine racks with copies of Cosmo. A man can squander whole months despearately trying to determine, via Cosmo quizzes, if he's an adequate lover or a cold blooded heathen. It's best to stick to unwanted truth...can be crippling.

Knock It All Together 

This one is for going to and from nowhere.

      Knowledge gleaned, the time has finally come to rebuild the world and make it a better, more friendly place that the Mayans would have no interest in destroying...mostly because they're all fucking dead. Your world should be humming like a top in no time. Really, that's all that had to be done anyway. Oh sure...there's the security, re-population efforts and warring with other groups to contend with, but, that shit will handle itself. Besides, all of your willing slaves are fully devoted to your civilization prospering. Now you can finally take time to smell the roses. Roses, of course, meaning...countless hours of t.v. shows on DVD and masturbating, but, hey, at least you won't starve to death now. 

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