Technology They Think We Need, But Are Actually F^cking Stupid

      Recently, I've noticed a trend of uselessness in products. There have always been useless "gadgets" and bullshit no one has needed, of course. Usually, time and demand sort out what works and what doesn't--what's needed and what's not. You would think that companies and people that build things would look back and compare their offerings to those that have failed in past. They don't, however, due to massive retardation in the ranks. Here are a few that are just completely fucking pointless, useless and all around horse shit. 

Curved Screens

 
Great now all of my porn is distorted. Thanks, OLED!

      I am the product of simpler times. Brought up on Pop Tarts and porn that had to be stolen; I looked forward to leaps and bounds in both technology and entertainment. I relished every new development and dreamed of an instant porn/Pop Tart world. Who didn't?

      Watching Star Trek when I was little, I remember thinking, "They have t.v.'s in their walls?! I want a t.v. in my wall. No. No, a t.v. as big as my wall. Pfff...what?! I want a movie theater, in my house. I want a mansion to put that theater in. I want the world. THE WORLD, CHICO AND EVERYTHING IN IT!"

      Now that we live in a future of free porn, robot blow jobs and flat screens. I can even order Pop Tarts and have them delivered. It would seem that the world was on the right track. Then, some dick head scientist thought, "Let's curve the fucking screens, because we can." and slowed the whole works. 

Unfortunately, asshole scientist/engineers never bothered to ask if we gave a shit. If they had we could have told them, "No. What are you stupid? Cure cancer already."

      Curved screens are pointless. Anything you watch on it is unwatchable from any angle other than straight on. Who would benefit from that? The asshole who takes the center seat on a couch (meaning, douche bags), is who.

      No one knowingly takes the center seat except morbidly fat people and douche bags. One group can't help it and the other consists of those voted "person most wanted dead in a drunken car wreck"

No one likes that person...not even their mother.

Companies, please stop trying to fix things that aren't broken. The same applies to smart phones.

Pictured: pointless curve

      Fancy as they are...curved phones serve no actual purpose. With the model pictures, the weird curve lights up with various news that you, a person who will be picking up the phone at least twelve times in a 10 minute period, will inevitably see. What's the fuckin' point? Ohhh...and that stylus, more on that later.

      Stop taking a perfectly good t.v./smart phone and making it harder to watch/use. It's like giving someone a cold glass of water on a summer day and trying to improve on it by throwing it against a tree and peeing on it.  

Internet In Cars

"Like" my twisted body wrapped around a tree or I won't get into heaven!

Okay, I get it. It's convenient to slap a tablet in your kid's hands, turn on Netflix and let technology liquefy/baby sit his brain, rather than stress yell your way into a fiery highway death. That's reasonable. If it's that big of a deal, get a mobile wifi hot spot, get that tablet on "The Flix" and off you go.

Your car shouldn't be telling you about Facebook messages. If you need it for that, the internet shouldn't be in your car. You need help. Nothing in your car needs to communicate with the internet...ever, especially while the idiot (i.e. YOU) behind the wheel has the car in motion.

      Relax, I'm an idiot too. I've texted while driving and am lucky to tell the tale. Texting convenience coupled with being an awful driver should have sent me skidding to the pearly gates years ago. I can't fathom what would have happened if I was able to simultaneously unfriend someone while searching for a legitimate snuff film...while driving.

You would all be dead.

Why the fuck do we need that in our cars?

Hasn't car Facebooking (My new word for Facebook shit in cars is Facarbooking), caused enough car wreckage?  If not for the sake of moronic driver judgement, than for the people riding with them, leave this shit out of cars, please, car companies!

It's horrible ideas like this and assholes like that, that keep us from flying cars. Can you imagine if these walking disasters with licenses were flying? It would rain blood.

Two Things On Your Phone At The Same Time



Twice the nudity for three times the price.

As my priest used to say, sometimes too much of a good thing is just...a fat bi-sexual. I never knew what she meant by that, but, I feel it applies here.

Doing two things at once on your tablet/cell phone/whatever is like pissing out a car window while driving. Yeah, you're taking care of two things at once, but, did you really fucking need to?

I have yet to meet the person that could justify pissing out that window, nor can I find someone who actively uses this "2 in 1" feature on their phone.

Who the hell is this designed for? 99% of humans use their phones to escape reality, not do twice the work in it. Most people would use this once and that would be to try to comment on two different Vines about farting...at the same time. They'd giggle about it, while everyone shoots a "you're so fantastically retarded, we're all amazed you live un-aided" look their way. The feature would never be used again.

The same goes for that dumb slapping your phone on someone else's and sharing shit. Who does that more than once and doesn't find it absurdly inconvenient and laughably idiotic? If you don't tell the nurse who looks after to you to take your phone away, because you can't be trusted with it.

Car Trunks That Open Automatically

This is a horror movie murder waiting to happen.

How lazy have we gotten, world? I'll be the first to admit how incredibly lazy I can be. I once chose to forgo a week of eating because the store was "way the fuck over there". So, I'm no stranger to laziness, but, come on, people. If you can't figure out how to get a cart, basket or THE GROUND to temporarily hold your "whatever in the shit you have to put in the trunk", you're too stupid to drive a car.

I've seen paralyzed people on muscle relaxers negotiate a closed trunk and never once was the phrase "Fuck! Of all the horse shit! If only they could make THIS small inane task easier, my life would be cake. FUCKING CAKE! Scientists and engineers, put aside solving actual, relevant problems and throw all your brain power at making the trunk easier to get into. Cancer and solving my irreparable nerve damage can wait." uttered. Not once.

I think we should be doing better things with our time, than waving our feet at bumpers for exactly the same amount of time it would have taken to open the trunk the old way.

Stupid Fucking Styluses

Ladies and gentlemen, we know you lose pens...

so, how about an even more useless pen, 

in any color of the rainbow?

      A while back, I read the Steve Jobs biography by Walter Isaacson. Other than being a lovely story about how big of an asshole Steve Jobs was, it also included a lot of anecdotes about Stevie's obsession with streamlining processes. Trimming the fat if you will. One of his small sticking points was styluses. He didn't like them. Actually...hell, why not let him tell you...

(Translation: styluses suck balls.)

      He's right! And if you have a phone or tablet that requires a stylus, rejoice! You've bought a horrible product. Write a letter to that company and tell them you want something better. Demand better and we might get it. Vote with your dollars people and make this horrible shit go away. Dammit.

Cavemen and Movies Help You Hate Strangers!

      I'm an abrasive person...I think...I don't know. When referring to peoples unknown, I call them "fuck face" or something equivalent, it's not to be mean. Really.

      Well, for instance, when I see two strangers walking, conversing, fondling each other...whatever, and I want to call attention to one of them, I'll say, "Hey, look at that "fuck face" over there.". Usually, this garners a response of "Which one?" from whomever I'm attempting to show the "fuck face" to. It's not the best way to address or reference a stranger, I know, but, what harm does it do? I don't know them and they aren't within earshot to hear me calling them a "fuck face". It's a victim-less sort of rudeness.

     I could have just said, "Look at that person." or "Check at that guy.", I guess. It doesn't carry the same non-sequitur weight as a good, well placed "fuck face", however. By adding a little touch of venom to an otherwise boring moniker, everyone benefits from it's entertainment.

      When I started doing this I'm not entirely sure. Actually, it was just recently brought to my attention. That I was doing it at all was unknown to me. This revelation, of course, triggered a deeply analytic self-evaluation regarding my current catalog of generic, degradation labeling I bestow on strangers. Well, not only strangers, but, their many "fuck face" counterparts (cashiers, pimps, pizza guys, pimps). It also sparked an epiphany regarding my relationships with other human beings.

Fuck Faces

Hahaha...no, not that kind of fuck face, fuck face.

      In my defense, everyone does exactly what I do. Maybe, not to the vulgar "Who...that "dip shit" over there?" variety, but, still, we all give people character labels from a distance. Then, again, maybe you're worse. Actually, I kind of hope you are, because then I can feel better about myself. 

      Your boosting of my self worth aside, I believe I've nailed the inner condescension aimed at strangers down! The answers are so wildly astounding and numerous, your mind will melt from the sheer volume that I have culled...

There are two reasons. Two.

I Blame Cavemen!

Scientific rendering of the worlds first dick joke.

      I am a modern human being and like most, modern humans, I am quick to blame anyone but myself when it comes to personal problems. Though, arguably, what I propose makes sense. My inability to lather myself in the stank soap of guilt has driven me to discover a far more vibrant reason behind it all. A reason that is not my fault or what is commonly referred to as "the best reason"

Slapping a friendly "dick nose" or even a bland "walking abortion" moniker on strangers is written in my DNA. All of our DNA. We fucking hate strangers!

      Allow me to convince you. Way back, when nudity was clothing and knowledge was witchcraft and a felony, cavemen palled around. It was a lot how I imagine rural Kentucky is now; a lot of inbred families moving from place to place loosing teeth, hunting wabbit and oil ( you know, black gold...Texas tea.)

      These super old school hillbillies were all familiar with each other because, well, they were around each other all the damned time and were blood related. So, naturally, when they saw someone who wasn't a cousin, they reacted with wary curiosity. Wouldn't you? Who would know if this new guy wasn't down with the inter-boning of the inbred orgy? Maybe he was down with boning farm animals or worse...STRANGERS! Our ancient Kentuckians had family/lovers to protect. So, naturally ANY stranger was labelled as...I don't know..."fuck face". 

      Fast forward a couple of thousand years and here I am, instinctively slapping the term "fart nuts" on a stranger. Thank you for validity evolution! Elton remains blameless. I would leave it at that...and you could whimper and scrounge around for a poorly worded apology, but, we both know you've nothing to apologize for and there's more to it than just inbred cavemen fearing stranger rape. No. There's much more...

I Blame Theater!

and movies...and t.v. ALL of it.

      When it comes to things being wrong with humanity, who am I to exclude the media? We blame that shit for everything! Politics, discrimination, sexual inequality, sexual inequality, the pussification of vampires are all things the demon called media has pee peed on! 

      So, in the spirit of wholesale shitting on the media, allow me to lay a log, upper deck style. Lesser men have resorted to laying blame at the foot of theatrical pursuits and I am one of those lesser folk. 

      Though, I am not deft with finding, nor plying a deep, philosophical ideological reason, regarding the media and me describing a passerby as "dong hole" and why or how theater (and it's cinema, television and sweet porno) are eroding the soul of mankind. I will say that I'm perfectly comfortable with said erosion, as long as there are titties. Really, I'm okay.

Large cinematic knockers aside, my use of theater as a reason is far more trite and mechanical. Namely, I blame "credits". 

That's right, movie credits, theater programs with credits, show credits...CREDITS. Those things that run after a movie that everyone leaves during. 

Those.

       What the fuck are you on?, you might be asking? Well, two much pizza, homemade gin and un-labeled pills for one, but, that's not the point. Credits are to blame for labeling strangers with names like "ball slapper", "Ziggy McShit Stuff" and "Mama's little mistake". 

      When we watch movies, inevitably the question of "I wonder who those nameless people are in the background are?", crosses our minds at some point. So, as anyone astute to wasting time, we might wait around and watch the credits roll. Perusing a little further down the list we eventually run into people like "Nameless Asshole #1" or "Customer In Shop". 

      Quickly, we relegate them to the seedy realm of un-importance, because if they were important they would be the one polishing Brad Pitts knob. Shit, they would probably have a fucking name! Given enough movie watching, we're subconsciously taught a hierarchy of sorts. Those in the foreground: important; those in the background: nameless, no body dick bags. 

      Slap that same construct on your life (which we unknowingly do regardless) and you get: you: the Brad Pitt equivalent main guy, friends and family: co-stars and them...background folk you couldn't give a shit about. 

      So, being that those who are not in your life/movie directly, are mostly unimportant, you are free to label them as you wish. Be it, "Baldy Fat Flydown" or "Miss Bulgymidriff Missingtooth", it doesn't matter...that is until they become main players in your...uh...play. 

      So, my designating some random guy that I'll probably never interact with as "Tardhat PantsAss" is perfectly normal. It's normal for you to do it too! Feel free to feel no shame. It's only natural...and programmed into us by our own divorce from what is socially acceptable and reality, via the morally absent and displaced emotional facade of theater and it's various incarnations.

Holy fuck...was that philosophical?

Shakespeare Was A Rich Guy's Bitch?

      William Shakespeare didn't write his shit. When you say something like that, it tends to draw a lot of flack. Particularly from uppity Shakespeare lovin' fruits! No, I'm kidding. I like Shakespeare and I'm fairly certain (as certain a person can be about a man that died almost 400 years ago can be) he wrote his material.

      Whether it's true or not, just saying it can be enough to send people into a fuming rage. The kind of rage that causes people to write long boring books. Literature nerd rage. As weak a rage as that is, it's still amazing its taken so seriously. They even made a halfway decent movie out of it. The debate about whether The Big Bad Bard actually wrote his stuff has gone on for...fucking ever. Unfortunately the ones bitching, which makes it unlikely for the rest of the world to eventually give a shit. Let's face it, people that argue over Shakespearean authorship, probably aren't socially dynamic personalities. Chances are, they're at home, at this moment, masturbating in quiet desperation and loneliness...into a book of Tennyson poems. Yet, the question still remains. Did Shakespeare write his shit or no? My real question is...why are we questioning if he did?

Pictured: Shakespeare penning his lost play 

"Cock: Lost in The Ass Palace of Pleasure"

      Understanding why anyone would question something as mundane and trivial Shakespeare's authorship, you have to understand something about people. People are dicks. Not totally, just some of humanity's toward achievement. We as humans have an innate tendency to loath any accomplishment that isn't ours. It's in our blood, right next to coffee addiction and loving the smell of gasoline. It seems petty and small but, it's still rife in our being. 

      Admitting that is hard. It's far easier to simply say, "I'm not a cock hole like that! I give credit where credit is due! I would never harbor secret animosity toward someone because of their accomplishment. You have a small dick, friend. SMALL!" The sad fact is that you are and have...and yes I do. You just didn't do it out loud. It's human nature to want to be the person who did the amazing thing or pulled off the awesome...whatever...that everyone is praising someone else for. It goes back to our basic survival instincts. You had to be the best to survive! The best at hunting, farming, beating animals senseless with blunt objects and cooking their succulent innards, were all factors toward the betterment of your existence. It also got you maaad pussy...or dick. Depending on whatever cave people craved. I'm guessing both.

If they all looked like this, they could have been 

boning woodland creatures 

and not have known the difference.

      Oh, look at you, all huffy and red. Listen, I'm not saying that all praises you heaped on other's accomplishments were shameful lies. A lot were valid and well conveyed with no animosity whatsoever. I'm sure of that, but, others gave you that twinge of  "I could have done that!" or "It's not all that great" animosity. It's not awful behavior or something to brood and beat yourself over, it just happens.

This brings us back to Shakespeare and his bullshit. 

      What leads so many illustrious intellectuals to discount Shakespeare, is the fact that he was the old English equivalent of poor white trash. It has been postulated that because Shakespeare was born, schooled and raised in such unsubstantial ways, he couldn't possibly author such astoundingly beautiful and complex work. Therefore, someone of a more substantial birth, education and class, must have done it and used Shakespeare as a stooge like facade with which to publish their work through. Tawdry work which may have tarnished their good name or somehow devalued their standing in society (i.e. ability to wear tights an still get laid). This, of course, is horse shit. Horse shit in a hand basket made of shit. Horse shit in a hand basket being enveloped by human shit being torched and mocked by equally smelly shit from questionable animals.  

Back tattooed shit!

      Shakespeare wrote his plays. There's numerous testimonies, witnesses and evidence confirming it. Questioning it seems irrelevant. So, why do it? It's not like it matters anyway. The Ballsy Bard Bastard died almost 400 years ago! Unless, someone steps forward to claim some kind of maniacally, insane 400 plus year back royalty copyright infringement, it seems like a dead sell. If he didn't write the stuff (which he did), then, who really benefits in proving he didn't? What's the point? Some asshole in a tweed jacket smoking a pipe...all...college professor like, gets to say, "Nanny, nanny. I caught the dead bastard! Everyone clap for me! I'm a genius!"? That's asinine. Fuck that guy and everyone that looks like him. Going out of your way to prove someone, born to poor circumstances didn't have the where with all and intelligence to write beautiful things 400 years ago is simply...stupid...in the most retarded way possible. It's reeks of pretension and assholery. 

I'm an asshole!

      I hold true to the belief that anyone can accomplish anything. You just have to work really hard for it. Is this some highfalutin wishful thinking? Shit no. I hate wishful thinking. It's a waste of time that I could be spending on drug induced dead rock star interviews and throwing rocks at ducks. No, it's logical thinking. 

      People in general can accomplish whatever the want, because people before them already have. We are all built...relatively, the same. There are differences in our upbringing and social standing, of course. This might attribute advantages and disadvantages to achieving things. There's also the social climate and pressures of any given era that may hinder or excel things too, but, in general, if you're determined and talented, you can do what you want. Namely because people have done it before you and they will after you. 

      Remarkable writing, art, poetry, invention and the like have been created by people from all walks of life, throughout history. A lot of those remarkable things came about without a proper education or degrees. Saying you need them in order to make something epic or beautiful is absurd and hopelessly close minded. Perhaps, if those pricks, instead, realized that overcoming those purported handicaps, Shakespeare wrote something astounding. That in itself is beyond great and speaks volumes on what people can achieve. 

As a, somewhat, writer myself, I find it very hurtful that a bunch of nameless tweed jacketed jack offs, in anonymous universities, have taken to damning the work of a "commoner". I'm a poor piece of shit myself! Though I will never reach Shakespearean levels of authorship (the homemade alcohol won't let me...and the fact I'm borderline brain damaged), I find it repugnant that perhaps in 400 years, someone will find this post and claim I didn't write for them to fuck themselves. Which...of course, I clearly just did.