Tuesday, November 8, 2011

20 Kids and What The Fuck!?

      Remember when educational television was limited to wild haired Muppets, screaming about letters and that Master Piece Theater shit, we would run into late at night, while stoned and looking for cartoons. Educational television has a lot of strange fucking shows these days. There are shows about gun nuts, that build guns for other gun nuts. There are shows about people driving on hazardous roads that aren't even fit for prostitution. Shows about sisters, that are wives, that are married to their brother. That last one I'm just guessing at. I refuse to watch shows about incest. Though, there is one that involves family that isn't remotely sexual, but, still deeply insane. It involves a couple of rednecks that don't know how to NOT fuck...a lot. 

We fuck in the name of the lord!

      The red necks in question are 'The Duggars'. They're the family with the ever expanding line up. That meaning...they are constantly shitting out Duggars. They're doing it, I'm assuming, to fulfill, a blood pact made with a zealot church, for demonic purposes. Oh, and they have a reality show called "(INSERT EVER INCREASING NUMBER HERE) Kids and Counting". This bizarre tribe of right wing, super Christians is expecting another child to augment their growing army of Duggar Avengers. An army whose sole mission is to take down the Yakuza, as it attempts to infiltrate and corrupt middle america. Okay. I added that last part. Though, they are expecting another mouth to feed. What they'll feed that mouth is anyone's guess. This "happy accident" will bring the litter's count up to twenty. Twenty kids is a lot of hunger to quell. My theory is that they'll feed the new one...some of the old decrepit Duggars. Call it a "trimming of the fat", in red neck fashion. Only the strong and least literate will survive. Those that don't make the Aryan-Christian endurance challenge...will be fed...whole...to the younger Duggars. This will continue, until the family is pared down to a super race of Bible thumping, ultra, hill billies. Roaming the land, they will force ill-read Psalms and bible verses upon the public. A public who will listen...or will die. This will be brought to you with limited commercial interruption on TLC. Ha hahaha...huh?

Mother and daughter modelling blood 
splatter goggles to be worn during "the feeding".

      Alright, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these people? We aren't ball deep in an agricultural society anymore. People used to bang out a heap of kids 200 years ago, to ensure that at least one healthy kid would survive to adulthood. That's why people back then had 20 kids. It wasn't to fulfill some misguided sense of faith. It was because medicine back then came in two forms: grain alcohol or blunt force, that's all! It was a different society back then. A bonus of having an ass load of kids meant, more hands to work the farm, not more hands to...read Bibles. I struggle with the notion that these people have all these kids, to try and assuage a fear, that God will somehow punish them for not making more Duggars. I'll admit, there are times that I think God is indeed present, ready to strike. Still there are others when I feel God is watching with a kind whimsical eye. It might even be described as a miraculous eye. Like, when, Ground Hog Day and Die Hard play back to back on a channel without commercial interruption...I believe it's the lord's divine gift. Never once, however, have I received any divine warning of hell fire and damnation when buying a three-pack of Trojans at the gas station. Never.

Don't drive angry, indeed.

      I think the Duggars should have been "wrappin' the one eye snake with a jizz guard" after the first 10. I say ten because...well, the father's name is Jim Bob, for fuck's sake. What Jim Bob doesn't need some kind of assurance of his own humanity. Kids fill that void. Any man named Jim Bob, needs that void filled. 10 kids should do it. His name is Jim Bob for god's sake. JIM BOB! Holy shit. God however is fine with you using a rubber. He wouldn't have bestowed man with the knowledge to create "the cock raincoat" for nothing. Crapping out kids should not be a testament to one's faith in God. It just shows that you don't understand the finer points of "pulling out". Fuck. Can someone tell me why no one has showed these people that film, that demonstrates how to use a condom? Was it...uh...I think it was..."Debbie Does Dallas...Safely". Regardless, it's too late now. Now, they have numerous daughters, who have it in their heads, that the best way to spend your time is pregnant. Okay, wait, that's not to say that they don't instill some kind of women empowerment for these girls. It wouldn't be prudent to teach your Aryan army that submission is an admirable trait. I'm just saying, these poor kids are going to venture out into a world were kids are made in moderation. Can you imagine one of the Duggar clan finding a girl or guy and...off hand hoping she/he is willing to crap out 20 kids? I can't calculate the amount of punches to the groin they would receive.

Would you like to discuss Jesus and having 20 kids together?

      Those poor kids are going to make their way into a world they're drastically under prepared for. Well, as far as modern socially accepted breeding capacities are concerned, anyway. Then, again, who knows. Maybe all of them will someday view their parents wholesale child production as a one off fluke. They'll come visit Grandpa Jim Bob (holy shit) and Grandma...whatever, with their ONE kid and everything will dissolve into a nice family discussion about Jesus, the growing "negro" problem and the New White World Order. I'm sure all of their ilk will turn out just fine. That is until they rise up against the rest of us, as the battle ready army they covertly are. Then, the world will kneel in reverence of the almighty Duggar War Machine! The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers. Prepare to pray, motherfuckers. 

Meet your future oppressors.