I have been renting movies for a long fucking time. Too long it would seem. In that long fucking time, I have run across my fair share of complete and total shit. Yet, for every steamy horse turd I watch, every once in a while, I run across some fairly goodly good movies. So, in the spirit of sharing and angst, I try to pass on the good movies to other people via suggestions like,"You should definitely check this one out...it's got tits in it!", or "This gritty, urban, drama thriller is a sure fire, edge of your seat, thrill ride that's guaranteed to knock your socks off, oh, and it's got tits!". I also tell you about the bad movies with opinions like, "The only tits in this movie belonged to guys...shirtless, fat, disgusting, men." and,"Unless you completely devalue your sense of self worth, dignity and intelligence quotient, skip this piece of shit. Oh, and no tits!". Every once in a while, I like to tell you about a few of the good and bad movies I watch, just so you know that the guy writing this...isn't CONSTANTLY jerking off. I have some modicum of self respect.
That was the word of the day at Porn Addicts Anonymous.
So, without further ado. I'll skip straight into the shit I pulled from the massive heapy shit pile of wreckage, that once called itself a Red Box. Okay, maybe not wrecked but, it should have been. I'd blow it up if it didn't appeal to my sense of cheapness. I still can't believe they raised the prices on their rentals. Ah, well, it could be worse. I could have seen these whiffs of fart stank in an actual theater. Holy shit. I would have tit punched the pop corn girl just to make it worth the money and be thrown out! I digress. Movie number one or as I like to call it:
RED BOX DUMP #1
Will the Green Lanterns who don't suck, please raise your hands.
This movie was boring all the way to the point where Ryan Reynolds was fighting the dread lock fear monster. That's at the end. Shit. Did I just spoiled that for you? Don't worry, the minute you start watching this movie, you'll know immediately what's going to happen at the end. I promise. There will be no surprises...except the horse faced fish Green Lantern. He was a surprise, but, not a good one. Up until the dread lock fear monster, it just sucked balls, boring balls. Not the awesome kind that you see in porno flicks, where the guy looks like he's contorting in some kind of ecstasy slathered in happiness. No. I'm talking about actual ball sucking. The kind where you contort with pain so severe and intense, you want to sever your own spine to make it stop. Honestly, I try to go into every comic book movie with a completely open mind. I do this out of bad experience. Meaning, my experiences with comic book movies...usually suck, like a blow job with teeth. You know, you start with high expectations and soon, you have to let those go, in hopes of stopping the flow of pain that's grating across your genitalia. This movie was no different. The thing is...I really wanted it to be good. I read comics growing up. In the land of comics, Green Lantern was always one of the fringe kind of characters. He wasn't mainstream. Well, to me anyway, he was kind of a cult character. So, I was rooting for the underdogness of it. That crapped out quickly, when I started becoming so bored with the movie, I started picking out the flaws. Shit like, well, the ring is only limited by your imagination. So, why the fuck was Ryan Reynolds imagination limited to shit he saw earlier in the day? I mean, he imagines jets...in space. What the fuck is wrong with him? It could have been drastically better. Though, if you're looking for saving graces, the movie does have a lot of bright colors, numerous explosions and a mostly nude Ryan Reynolds at one point. If you're in the market for shit like that, then, this is up your...alley.
They saved his nipples for the unrated versio
So, rent it or buy it for the latent homosexual, frat boy friend or family member in your life to salivate over today!
RED BOX DUMP #2
"Transformers 3: Dark of The Moon"
This time...they fuck!
I rented this thinking maybe there would be a Pink Floyd reference at some point. Turns out, I should have just listened to Pink Floyd instead. Let me start by saying, I like Transfomers. I played with them as a kid, I watched that fucking cartoon religiously and I have and maybe always will, like the characters. Hell, hearing Optimus Prime's voice alone almost makes me grit my teeth and fist pump the air, as a reflex action. Thank god for the years I spent in therapy to quell that fucking urge. Now I only do it 12 times quietly, before I can go to sleep.For a while there, I was almost a complete fucking loser. No, no wait...I still am...just with less Optimus induced fist pumping. Regardless, this movie, like the other movie, also sucked testicle. Why, with my professed over love of the Transformers would I think that? Well, I just couldn't over look the glaring stupidity of it. Plus, it makes the Autobots look like overly parental, deranged, murderous assholes!
Let the destruction of one of your cities and
the deaths of thousands be a lesson to you.
Okay, so, the moon thing...kind of retarded. You'd think the Autobots would have detected some of their shit being lodged in the moon's ass earlier. I mean, they're robots...er...living metal...beings...with parts...they're transformers! You'd think they would have figured out how to make a homing device by now. When Optimus came round the first time, the Autobot/Decepticon Battle Royale, made it's Earth debut some kind of bell would have went off on that hulk of exo-skeletal car part...body of his. Alas, no. They are oblivious to the shit. Hey, alright, we'll let that one slide. The other thing is far more disconcerting. The part where the Autobots let the human race twist in the wind. For what reason? To teach humanity a lesson. Yeah, the great goodly Autobots, decide it would be in humanities best learning interest, to let the Decepticons perform some wholesale murder and destruction on their asses. Thanks, Optimus. Next time, maybe you can demonstrate child safety for us by crushing the heads of a few infants. Nothing says, "Message received loud and clear!" than everyone screaming and or dying. Talk about a tough love approach. It's a shame most of the people in the streets never got to hear the punch line to this hilarious, "We told you so!", zoinks story. They were caught up in the vaporizing death rays to make it that far. Good things? The movie on the whole was flashy as usual. There's a scene where you get to see an obviously CGI Shia LeBeouf get yanked around like a dog playing with a sock. Other than that...it had the same feel as the other two...which was lame. Again, if you like explosions and people putting on tough guy faces and hero posing, this is the shit for you. Rent away!
Oh, and no Megan Fox. Sorry, boners.