Strange things are afoot at Circle K...er...Craigslist. The normally normal site where you can find just about anything, from free shit...to shit that should be free, has taken a turn for the "fucked ups". Not that, that is any different from what usually goes on on Craigslist, just a little further up the weird rectum of the internet. Have you checked that fucking site out lately? It's like watching a priest teaching a sex-ed class. You know that on the whole it's tech talk and clinical, but, your mind can't seem to get past the weirdness of it being a priest talking about fucking. I mean, there's a whole section devoted to people, searching for people, they saw once, for a few seconds. You know what that's called? Terrifying. There's a reason those people didn't talk to you the first time around. It's probably because you looked at them like this...
I will leave you a message on Craiglist, my sweet.
See you soon.
A large portion of Craigslist, that doesn't involve convincing people to buy your trash, seems largely devoted to finding transvestites...to break dance battle with. Can you believe...What? Ohhhhh...you thought I was trolling Craigslist looking for tranny hookers or something? What the fuck is wrong with you? You're fucked up. Hell no. I have an insatiable need to feed on the blood of the defeated. How do I lay waste (competitively, not defecation) to perpetrators? By slaying them with my dope B-Boy breakin' skills. Don't believe me? Well, why don't you just come down and I'll...alright, I can't keep that up...No, I looked for tranny hookers but, was unable to agree on a workable price agreement. Transvestites are WAY out of my price range.
Besides, they'll never live up to the gold
standard of cross dressers: High Tower.
Among the curbside trash and hot male for male action on Craigslist there is another story altogether. It was while roaming around the internet, not looking at porn. Seriously, can you believe that? I think my dick might be broken. I have started to read economics text books and crocheting to fill the time, that would otherwise be filled with copious amounts of internet sexiness. Anyway, I came across some ball shrinking craziness in the form of multiple stabbings during sex. "What the fuck, Elton?!" you say, to which I say, "Yes. Multiple stabbings during sex.". I know you're curious...so, I'll tell you it was 300 stabs. So, now, if you ever needed a reason NOT to try and bone someone from Craigslist, you have 300 of them. Oh, and get this...it was for Satan. Because when you think Satan, you immediately think of sex stabbing. Satan's kind of particular that way, when it comes to sexual rites performed in his name.
Aaaay, I'm fine with jest watchin'
The freak sex to which I am referring was one performed on a tied up 18 year old guy by two un-hot women. It started as any proper love story starts, with a horny man looking for a threesome. As, any irrational, sexually frustrated, moronic basement dweller would, he turned to the internet to find one. While surfing around (ah, remember when they used to call it surfing, instead of just...Facebook?), he went to Craigslist looking for free pussy. Well, he certainly found it, in the form of two homely Satanic bitches looking to stab fuck somebody. Though, he didn't know it at the time. He just knew they were down for some sweet threesome like boning. So, they tied him up and started doing him. Oh, and stabbing him repeatedly during the process. They kept at it for two days, fucking while stabbing him, before he managed to get away. I know there's a lot of confusion about this, especially regarding the younger readers, allow me to clarify, fucking should never involve stabbing. If at any point it does...you're doing it wrong. Way, way, way...waaaay fucking wrong. Stop. Drop (i.e. shit your pants)...and RUN! Got it?
Class dismissed, you crazy fuck stabbers.
So, as with all stories about insane, sexually deviant, Satanic rites, there is a lesson to be learned. If you should ever find yourself awake, in the dead of night...boner/vagina raging and you want to quell the situation with some random, Craigslist, stranger fucking, remember that sex stabbing Satanists are real. They are alive and crazy on Craigslist. Don't try to sort through the who's who of sexual dysfunction on Craigslist, just assume all of them want to poke you with sharp objects while you get it on...for Satan. I'm saying this to the more traditional set among us. I fully understand that there exists among us groups of nice, wholesome Americans that get their cum jollies while being incised with sharp metal, that's fine. If you're not hurting anyone, other than you or other people consenting, to being stabbed, whilst fucking, go at it. Mutilate hump your way into the morgue...for Satan. Dumb ass.
Poor bastard died happy.
Freshly fucked and stabbed repeatedly in the ass.
God bless..er...Satan bless-em'