Monday, November 14, 2011

My Increasingly Fat Life

      Getting fat fucking sucks. This isn't a new thing, but, to me a slight revelation. Getting fat is damned easy...and damned tasty. I never quite understood how easy it was to spiral into the chubby depths of fatitude. I would chock up my inexperience in the ways of the fat to my fiery, athletic disposition and a super naturally, high metabolism, but, I'd be lying to you more than I do to myself. Unfortunately, my entire being is whole heartedly American. Right down to my blotchy skin, poor understanding of world affairs and a sense of entitlement toward success. Yep, my blood runs red, white, blue and fatty...cholesterol, heart attack fatty.

So, by your body weight and labored 
breathing while're American?

      I'm not the only one. According to the World Health Organisation (which does health studies and organizing of worlds?), there are 1 billion fat motherfuckers on the planet. 300 million of those are clinically obese motherfuckers. That means in accordance to official chubby rules, they're all officially "foot in the grave" fat. Which, isn't fun to be, especially if you're rich and have a large family awaiting your fat ass demise.

Eat up, tubby! The family's waiting.

      How did we get this fucking fat? Well, you can blame it on a lot of things: jobs requiring more sitting than physical movement, excessive leisure time, better television programming. Those are all bullshit of course. It's because we have awesomed ourselves into lazy fat, fatty death. Oh, there it is again, "What the hell does that mean, Elton?". I'll explain, dammit. I always explain. Don't get all worked up. You'll have yourself a heart attack. In fact, statistics say, that you'll do just that

...and right here, see. You're fucking dead.

      Way back in the cave man days, when all was leafy green and deadly. Mankind had a hell of a time finding food. Plus, he was often bored as shit. Back then, you had to seriously, walk a mile for a camel. Only the camel wasn't a cigarette but, an actual animal and the mile was, like...20. So, the cave man set was actually a pretty fit crew. A six pack ab, super athletic, muscular bad ass, who could run and jump over antelopes and...I don't know...high shit. He was ripped. Bored and ripped. 

Like Fabio here, except desperate 
for food and entertainment.

      A cave dweller's life was largely dependent on whether he would eat or not. There was little time left for other pursuits. Well, other than fucking that is. There's ALWAYS fucking. A majority of his time would have been about finding or tracking food. Being that as it may, it's not like the bison or deer lined up to be slaughtered. It was hit or miss with plants too. It turns out that a lot of them, up and kill your ass. So, he had to go an find things that he could kill or wouldn't kill him...and eat them. As with dating for sex, there wasn't a guarantee he was going to get any. Needless to say, there was a shit load of running and starving involved in finding food. This is why our bodies store fat, so we wouldn't die between meals. There would have been some down time too, but, not much. That time would have been spent fiddling around with weaponry, making clothes and figuring out ways not to die. Oh, and fucking...there's always fucking. 

...and damn if they weren't a bunch of sexy motherfuckers.

      So, fast forward a couple thousand years and we've become ultra bad ass at obtaining food. We farm, we grow and nurture beautiful animals to rip apart for their succulent meat. Here we are all fooded up. We don't have to hunt anymore. So, we pound down food like there's no tomorrow, because our bodies still think that we're going to starve a while, before we eat again. Plus, lo and behold, the food we make is the exact kind our body craves constantly, because our bodies are made for the hunting, not eating cycle. What food do we crave? Sugar, salt and fats were the lusted after fuel of the Cave folk. All of that shit,  is stuff that was hard to come by and (oddly) what our bodies needed and still need to survive. Back then, it was taken on sparingly. Now, we stuff that shit in everything and we don't have to work hard for it. We over supply ourselves and we pay the price. It wouldn't be so bad if we had to physically do something for the food, but, without hunting there's not much to do other than extraneous exercise to burn off the overage. Yeah, who the fuck wants to do that?

Except for whatever it is they're doing...
oh, and fucking...there's always fucking.

      What do we do to fill the time? Masturbate. Duh. Okay, maybe not all the time. We entertain ourselves in tons of ways. We have the internet, t.v., video games, books and more. Coupled with an abundance of food, never before seen in all of human history (TAKE THAT YOU BUFF CAVE MAN FUCKS!). None of which require you to get off your fat fucking ass. So, we don't, hence, the insane amount of fat motherfuckers on this planet. By living out our predecessors dreams we are in turn shortening our lives. What are we to do? Fuck I wish I knew. Uh...pilates? Jog? Hunt each other for sport? There's always fucking...but, you just end up hungry again. Plus, paying for all that weight loss sex get's expensive. Dammit. Why can't dieting be less exhausting? Why does food have to be so awesome? Shit. I'm hungry just thinking about all the available food. Have any weight loss tips that actually work? Feel free to let my fat ass know. Until then, hellloooo sweet, fatty McDonald's. You beautiful golden arch, bitch.


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