Thursday, November 17, 2011

Rating's My BALLS!

      Sometimes, things out live their use. It's not a bad thing, it's simply sad but, true. Prohibition, Barney & Friends, "your virginity" are all examples of things that became unnecessary after a time. Prohibition became faux pas when the government realized that America cares more about booze than God. Barney, because...he teaches kids that singing about love and friendship will earn you friends and love. That's sweet as a kid, then, later we learn that it's laughably fucking wrong. Finally, your virginity, did you really need it any way? It just gets in the way of all that god awful, hilariously embarrassing, bad sex that's sparingly peppered with awesome, ultra wicked good sex. You know what I'm talking about! Right? Thank god for prostitution, huh! Am I right? Folks? Huh?...Right?

I've said too much!

      This brings me, in a round about way, to an organisation that I feel has far out lived its use. Yet, it refuses to yield it's iron grip on "we the people". What organization? The MPAA of course...or for you lay people..."The Motion Picture Association of America". "Who?", you say, to which I exclaim, "The diseased vaginas that give us asinine movie ratings like, "Rated R" and "NC-17." Yeah, those fuckers. Why the fuck are they still around? This is the internet age! Information flows like watered down booze in a strip club champagne room. People should be able to find out if a movie was right for their own children, without being told. Yet, we have a shadowy, secretive organisation, with an unknown rating panel or criteria deciding what is and isn't appropriate for us. It just seems extremely archaic and obsolete. Like, Atari games. 

We need to stop lying to ourselves. 
No one plays these anymore.

      The MPAA's time has passed. We live in the age of internet! It's vast oceans of information, knowledge and nudity are a godsend to the discerning parent, who wishes to dominate all their children see and hear. There were "codes" and "standards" before the MPAA of course, but, that was back when the world (according to film footage) was black and white. Those primates didn't understand cinema the way we do. They can be forgiven. They smoked cigarettes instead of eating vegetables. They thought blimps were planes for god sake! They were practically medieval. The MPAA's reign began waaaay back in the dark ages of the late 1960's. It was a wonderful time, when pubic hair grew wild and free. Moves back then burst at the seams with copious amounts of violence and gore. It was a different time. I mean, 'Leave It To Beaver' had yet to take on a pornographic connotation. Bizarre right? Perhaps, in that age of blissful ignorance, the movie industry needed a guiding hand. An authoritative voice to be heard above the drone of constant sex and violence. It was what society needed. During those glory hole days of yesteryear, information was doled out through exclusive outlets: newspapers, television, loud mouthed racist neighbors. Excluding the neighbor, all of those curtailed gratuitous uses of accurate descriptive criticism. They couldn't say a movie wasn't kid friendly...due to everyone fucking...a LOT, then, shooting each other in the face...a LOT. The MPAA system back then, may have been exactly what those poor... primitive movie goers needed. A system that would generalize a movies content down to a simple letter rating. Ratings that took into account all of the sex, violence and communist propagandizing and categorized it in a special way. A decent way to identify a movie worth seeing...from shit movies Disney made. 

Anything less than this...Disney fucking boring.

      Today, however, we live in modern times. Our cars are only couple months of development away from flying, sex robots are being produced in Japan in record numbers and silver jump suits are all the rage in France. We're sophisticated! War is but a repulsive memory. Governments around the world meet the needs of their respective populaces with dignity, due reverence and pride of service. Yet, we still cling to this aged, ragged whore of a movie rating system. What for? Are we scared that our, innocent to a fault, children might one day (between student council meetings about how not to do drugs with friends), might see a naked breast, penis, vagina performing acts they have not been permitted by law to understand yet? Holy I think it's because we're too lazy to imagine another option. Besides, everyone knows that genitals don't legally start functioning until you're 18. 

This could end have ended with a dumpster baby. 
Thank god for non-functional genitals! 

      We don't need it any more. It's getting in the way of movies that might I'm not sure if you noticed, lately,...but, not a lot of good movies are being made any more. In fact, I'm pretty sure they're just re-making the same movie over and over again. The MPAA is an organisation, that's run by corporate movie studios. They're deciding whether something is tasteful, for you to watch. Did you get that? Some (seriously) unknown group people, are deciding, for you, whether movie content is suitable for you or not. Sure, you might say, "They're deciding whether to much for a kid to see." Yes. I'll give you that, but, aren't you old enough to decide that for your kids? They're your kids! you're saying,"THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS!" Yeah, I know...I thought the same thing. I was making Molotov cocktails and ordering shotguns from QVC after the realization hit me. Alas, I have a better solution than fire bombing...well, slightly better. Something, I think we can all agree on. Let's grown ups...come up with our own rating system! 

By might be on to something there.

      I'll be the first to admit...a large group of people, deciding anything, is like asking monkeys not to piss on each other. It's going to happen...a lot. Folks tend to not agree on...any fucking thing. I mean, try asking a group of people to vote on doing away with the penny. You might just see someone get cut...with a knife made of pennies. Regardless, groups of people, especially internet people, love taking polls. Especially non threatening ones. So, why not start a site where we can vote on what is decent or not in movies and distill it again by taking polls on what is most important. Whatever the majority wants, that's what we go with. No harm, no foul. Majority rules. It happens all the time on Facebook. People tossing up polls on whether ponytails on girls are sexy (they are), whether farts stink more after eating beef (they do) and whether a shirt makes them look fat (it does). Why can't we do the same to develop a rating system for movies? What the fuck do we need the MPAA for? It's a bunch of people, who sit around all day, watching movies and deciding whether those movies violate some unknown set of rules...that no one is really sure of to begin with. Does that make sense? Mother fuck no it doesn't. Shut their silly asses down!

Damn right. You tell em' Chuck D.



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