Friday, November 18, 2011

Memories. Remember them? Me either.

      What the fuck is wrong with my memory? Every day it seems to be fading away, like a...uh...I just had it. A...uh...fucking fuck it. It was funny. You know, if I had known that my memory would be this fucked up, I wouldn't have saturated it with illegal substances for years. How about hitting school kids with facts like those, D.A.R.E.? Instead of  the "Just Say No!" and "This is your brain on drugs!" bullshit, dole out a little, "Drugs will sap your memory turning you into the mental equivalent of Grandpa trying to remember if he took his heart meds while trying also to figure out if he took a shit that day, kids!". Yeah, I know it was a run on sentence, I couldn't remember where to put the commas. Fuck you.

Wait. I had more...uh...nope. Just fuck you.

      Dammit. Had I known that this is what I would become, I seriously would have devoted some time to memory exercises. Though, a very astute and cerebral sounding magazine, says that such exercises are horse shit lies. Literally, it actually says horse shit. Nope. No, I'm lying, I just can't remember a proper quote. Regardless, they don't work, which leaves my memory's rapidly deteriorating ass, flapping feebly in the wind. Fucking science. 

The results of the study indicate
 that you should fuck yourself...a lot.

      According to a medical sounding fuck face at this site, memory loss started when I was in my twenties. Slap a decade and some change worth of alcohol and drug abuse on top of the ravages of nature and my memory probably resembles Sam Beckett's from Quantum Leap. Swiss cheese with a side of brain damage. It's horseshit, is what it is. What the hell is with god? He/she is constantly playing cruel jokes like this on humanity. This and fattening foods tasting so damn good, make me wonder if God is just toying with us. Why he/she, you say? Because I vaguely remember reading somewhere once that God might be a woman...or a man...or both. I don't remember. Fuck.

Hermaphroditic man/woman or an alien named 
Rodrigo from the planet Altair 7, you decide. 

      So, being that it's nature and not some over abundance of prescription medication in the drinking water., wait. There's an abundance of prescription medication in our drinking water. I almost forgot about that. So, that being the case, all that dope should be giving me a super, stupid accurate memory...and the ability to burn things via ocular laser vision and "soul power". Okay, that last one is wishful thinking. Still. It's a real fucking bummer knowing that I'm being doped with old folk heart medication and morning after pills but, not reaping the benefits of some nameless memory medication. It sucks mega dick not having a good memory any more, is what I'm saying. When I was younger, I feigned acknowledgement of my aging being. I even fronted like, I didn't care and I knew what was coming. Turns out, old people are right, I didn't know shit. Nothing prepares you for searching a house in seething, teary eyed desperation to find car keys, only to find them nestled safely by your balls in the front pocket of jeans...that you can't remember putting on. I know a lot of you don't have balls, but, just substitute vagina and you'll be fine. Regardless...myyyyy miiiinnnnd iiiisss going!

I look like this at least 4 times a 
day...sometimes while peeing.

      It turns out, there's a lot you can do to improve your memory. The trick is to consume copious amounts of bacon. Lots and lot of bacon. Just eat it while...dammit. I can't do that. It's not true. The bacon is a lie. It was cruel and I'm sorry. I was just really hoping/dreaming it was bacon. Actually, it's the exact opposite of bacon. It's the same thing it's always been. Exercise and a healthy diet of whole grains, proteins and diminished bacon portions. God is just plain mean sometimes. Alas, as you get older there are things you can do to improve your memory. Are you ready? Work on paying attention. Get that? Focus is component we lose as we edge ever closer to the abyss of death. Focus. It just so happens that as we get older, we find it harder to ignore irrelevant stimuli (i.e. shit that doesn't actually fucking matter). Our ability to filter out junk that doesn't pertain to what we're doing drops, just like our tolerance for dirty, filthy minded young people and their noise musics. So, the key to clinging on to a declining memory is to learn to focus on what is being said, shown and demonstrated. Pay attention...that's it! Oh, and the eating well and exercise, but, come on...I'm tired just thinking about those words. 

Your memory is leaving you. All the time...slowly. Think about that. Next time you think of yourself as young and indestructible, remember, 

the outside might look like this...

the inside...



  1. I'm sure you remember me...of all people. :-D Yeah, we're old folk now. I always forget shit. Bothers my husband that I do. Oh well....he married me for better or worse...i think. Forgot my wedding vows.

  2. lol! My memory left me... well, whenever and I have just substituted it with an animated mobile hard drive (aka my friend) she has the inate ability to decipher what I say into what I mean. I can never remember the name of things, especially people - so conversations are usually..oh, yeah, did you see that TV show last week..her: which one?..the one with that guy in, the tall one, with the dark hair and, you know. Shockingly, she always does!

    1. I love people like that. They are the walking equivalent of "predictable text". lol


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