Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Video Gaming: The Future of Interactive Porn...and movies.

      Being an unemployed piece of shit has a lot of fringe benefits. I get to indulge in video games, when I'm not prank calling old people with fake medication shortage warnings. I know some people play this shit all the time, but, I'm not one of them. As of right now, I believe my "games beaten" count hovers right around the amount of times I have been convicted of impersonating an "agent of the government"...which is three. Oh, don't give me that shit like you haven't either. I'm not the only one with too much free time and a collection of law enforcement badges!

See. Some of us consider this a productive hobby.

      While engrossed in my brief forays into the life sucking void that is gaming, I read a bit about it. Gaming that is. Not forays, because that would be dirty. I read an article saying that games are the future of entertainment. Basically, it said that it was a medium that would envelop all other media, forming a perfect entertainment experience. Like, interacting and becoming one with a movie, while a kick ass soundtrack plays...also there would be words. Where the words would be, it didn't say. If there's one thing I know, gamers don't like words. They are representative of school, therefore evil and non-fun. I get that. They scare me too. Especially when saying things like, games are the future of entertainment. It's like saying Selena Gomez is the future leader of the free world. I...I just shit my pants.

She's boning Bieber for God's sake...
she makes poor decisions.

      I have nothing against games...or gaming. I think they're a great way to kill some time, while avoiding the outside world and all of it's terrible fresh air and openness. Piss away your days manipulating a character, who's lost in a cavern, waving a light saber around,  in a bid to impress 12 year old's with your unlocked achievements. Feel free. I'll be outside in the real world laughing at you...with everyone else. No really. We'll be laughing, having sex and orgasms...with your Mom. On your Mom. On your hideously fat mother. Sorry, I just ate an entire box of Crunch 'N Munch. I attribute the above sentiment to "sugar rage". I apologize. 

Like this...except with less foaming...mouth cum.

      What I take issue with is the interactivity of the presumption. Wrapping up the movie/music/game experience into one convenient package is retarded. Namely, because it excludes an ass load of entertainment. How the fuck are you going to "play" your way through the experience of a drama, political thriller or even comedy? How about a romance movie? Not that I would...unless it's a soft core porn kind of romance thing. That would be kind of awesome...with the soft lighting. Eric Roberts and Shannon Tweed. Maybe, you're outside the window watching and...I digress. It would suck ass balls. Who the fuck would want to work their way through, like, an Adam Sandler movie/game...thing? I can barely make it through half of his movies with them just being movies. If you turned them into games, I might just have to kill Adam Sandler. Only half the world would want that. The half that stayed til the end of "Don't Mess With The Zohan". What the fuck was that movie anyway?

I'm being serious...what was it and why did it hurt so much?

      As games gain in popularity, certain members of it's community will step forward, trying to tout their collective past time as the "wave of the future". Try to slap on a coating of "this is the way everything will be", importance. Everyone has done it at some point. Remember that arena football shit? You have to keep in mind one, super significant thing. They're just fucking games. That's it! At the end of the day, it's still a suped up version of Pac-man, with awesome graphics. Will it reshape entertainment? Fuck no. There are stories that are better understood with...just being told or shown to somebody. Like, musicals...er...well, maybe if they did the Rock Band thing with it....then, that might fly as a game. So, if the musical movie's premise requires bad, tone deaf singing, then, it would absolutely work. Would thrillers? Maybe, they have those fucking horror video games that cause 6 year old's to wet themselves. I'm sure they could strip that back a bit, maybe you can play an alcoholic Al Pacino, investigating a murder, while yelling at inappropriate times.. Biographical flicks are out too. Playing a person who really lived...and wasn't gun totingly awesome, is fucking boring. Who the fuck wants to play a game/movie as an aging senator who legislates for gay rights? What the fuck would something like that even look like? If you would play that, you need to beat yourself in the head with a bat, to save the rest of the world from your non-existent intellect. What about depressive art house flicks? You know, the "my mom is a lesbian dying of cancer, yet, still has the sarcastic wit to brow beat her straight daughter for wanting dick" movies. That's artsy, yeah? Well, it would just be sad, on so many levels it's terrifying. Comedies wouldn't work. Well, 99% of comedies anyway, a well made game that involves comedic scrotum punching would be an exception. As with anything there will be exceptions, but, the "interactive movie" thing would only really work with action...maaaybe drama. Definitely porno, if they come up with some kind of interactive blow job controller. I'm in! Oh, shit...they did. I'm in! Oh, shit...it's for anime porn. I'm out. 

Back to interactive naked guitar playing.

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