Wednesday, November 23, 2011

All Hail Thanksgiving!

      The holiday of bloating is here. The bane of an anorexic's existence is upon celebratory form! Today is Thanksgiving, the greatest of all "get fucking fat" holidays. The other, of course, is Valentine's Day, when the lonely eat instead of love. On this momentous occasion, I thought I would elaborate on the many reasons Thanksgiving rules all of holidayismdom with an unforgiving iron clad turkey shaped fist and why no one thinks that. Christmas you say? Pffff...sure, the gifts are okay, but, what else? You can't eat Jesus. Well, it's possible, but, you'd need a time machine. Besides, you'd have a murder rap to contend with and the disgusted look of everyone you will ever meet again ever. Society takes a pretty aggressive stance against cannibalism...especially if you're eating a deity.


Yeah, but, is there meat inside? THANKSGIVING WINS!

      Although, it is, according to Thanksgiving paraphiliacs, turkey farmers and people with an affinity for murdering  turkeys and cranberries, "the greatest fucking holiday ever", it is lacking a few of the finer things the other "big" holidays have. What, you say? Well, how about a damned mascot? Every big event needs one. Sure, there's the Pilgrims maybe or even that Tom Turkey monstrosity in the Macy's parade, they're...passable. It's no Santa though, is it? I mean, Santa brings you free shit. Hell, sometimes, it's even shit you like! Thanksgiving could use a mascot like that. Though, the "free shit" thing is dominated by Christmas and it's "giving". Maybe a mascot that encompasses Thanksgiving's timeless dedication to ferrying humanity toward a cholesterol slathered, artery clogged afterlife, would help it's recognition at the holiday most powerful. How would you visually display roasted bird gluttony fueled by booze and football splendor? 

Put a beer in his hand and a 
whole turkey in his mouth...
and we might have a winner.

      Mascots only take you so far however, you need a firm media backing too. Again, there's that fucking parade, but, it's not enough! Christmas has parades and so does the Irish Alcohol Poisoning Championship. Firmly ensconcing Thanksgiving as the "Destroyer of All Holiday's Awesomeness!" requires an entire to back it. An industry to market it's wholesome image, to indoctrinate the populous on how tasty Thanksgiving is. What industry? The movie industry. I know, you're thinking, "There are tons of Thanksgiving movies, fuck hole!". I am willing to bet, you're absolutely full of shit. The movies you're thinking about are Christmas movies. Sure, they might have a Thanksgiving like scene crammed in there, but, they all end with soul less, empty eyed, tear jerk fodder gorging on presents under a fucking Christmas tree. No, what I'm talking about is a full on, family, fun romp classic, like, A Christmas Story, except with Thanksgiving and more violence. There are a lot of pretenders to the genre, some might even be in it (i.e. Dutch and Planes, Trains and Automobiles, two woefully underrated classics), but, none given the street cred of say..."It's A Wonderful Life!". Oh, it's hard to determine a classic of "Wonderful Life" proportions, maybe it's because they aren't given the fucking air time. I blame it on the right AND left wing media, both are notorious Thanksgiving repressors. It's not our fault your Mom threw away your spank mags, after Gam Gam found them under your mattress, during her Thanksgiving visit! Stop taking it out on us, you chicken choking jerks! Oh, and Pocahontas isn't a motherfucking Thanksgiving movie, stupid asses.

In a world where this is considered "funny" or 
Thanksgiving, is a relative nightmare. 
We're living it people. We're living it.

      Perhaps, I am jumping to Thanksgiving's defense to quickly. Maybe, due to it's relatively recent acceptance that it's vast superiority has yet to be recognized. It's only been a regular, popular holiday since the 40's. That's 1940's...not 18 or 17. Due to that alone, maybe it's still on the upswing. Regardless, it's sweetness cannot be overstated. Logistics alone make it wicked bad ass. There are no accessories to buy. You eat every trinket the holiday requires. There are no trees for your relatives to stash their weed and beer cans in. No wrapping paper to trail left around the house, tempting a resident into an arson insurance scheme. Thanksgiving is practically self sufficient. Yes, yes, there are plenty of people setting themselves on fire trying to deep fry a turkey, but, there's an exception...those people are fucking idiots. There's no saving them. If it's not a turkey frying debacle broiling their skin to crispy death, it's going to be a gun cleaning mishap Republican that will eventually end their stupid, stupid lives. 

That plastic chair...doubled as their couch.

      Alas, the all encompassing power of Thanksgiving's magnificent supremeness is beyond doubt. It should just be accepted. It's in the turkey, it's in the gravy, it's in the drunken football rages, spilled wine and expletives tossed liberally at neighbors, friends and family. It's also in the bloated feeling for hours after. Through acceptance we will all find the gracious, magnanimous essence of all that is Thanksgiving. Quoting the great pedophile singer, Micheal Jackson, "...make that change". Was he talking about Thanksgiving? Shit no. Thanksgiving wouldn't condone skin bleaching pedophiles, it smites them but, I think the sentiment can appreciated and applied. Let's "make that change". All hail Thanksgiving!

Well said, future, dead Thanksgiving turkey, well said. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

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