Thursday, December 8, 2011

Last Minute Christmas Selling...for Assholes.

      Shopping at the last minute. It's a motherfucker. Being without a real working car it's an even bigger bitch. So, in order to combat my consumer isolation, I have decided to shop online. What a cluster fucking nightmare it is to. Blood sucking bastards that have what YOU want but, will charge waaaay too much for the shit because, it's Christmas time. I tell you what, if Jesus was here...he'd be selling IPods and plastic remote controlled shit for way too much too. Why? Because carpentry doesn't pay as much as it used to. When was the last time you needed one?

Jesus Christ carpentry sucks.

      I understand that Ebay and that ilk are there for everyone to sell whatever to whomever in a vain attempt to become multi-millionaire shit peddlers. I get it. You don't like your job, so, selling Chinese knock off shit is the way to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and pave the way to early retirement. Here's the thing, people believe that selling via the internet is easy pay dirt. It just fucking isn't. Why? Well, competition that's why. Not only are you competing with every other get rich quick bastard and major online stores. You're out matched. 

Or you're a moron.

      So, in the spirit of generosity, being that Christmas is practically ball deep in us all, let me help you out. Though, I'm not going to do it in a nice and chipper manner, because, frankly, I'm too tired and you're not paying me (unless you're supplying booze, cheap women and pay per view...then, you SO deserve it.). It's not going to be a lot of tips either. Why? Well, I don't know that damned many. If I did, I'd be J.C. Penny or...that guy who owns The Gap or Victoria's Secret...something. Regardless, here:


Holy shit. Someone else is selling dildos?! On this planet?!

      Let me fill you in, the way retail stores sell their shit is...are you ready?...cheaper than the competition. Yeah, novel right. It's how they get people in the stores AND sell their merchandise. High five on getting the right answer! You're retarded. No? Well, why the hell would you sell something for 3 times what it's worth, knowing a person, with half a brain fart, is a Google search away from getting it far, far less? Who the fuck is going to buy from you? Unless your version has an instantaneous orgasm setting, you can keep your shit. Time and time again, people on Ebay are thinking, for whatever fucked up reason, that their product will be the only one found on the internet that day. So, they charge $90 for something that is usually $20. Who the fuck are they kidding? Wait. Perhaps, I'm reading them all wrong, maybe, they're simply listing shit at inexplicably high prices to flaunt that they have it. "Look, look what I have! I have an anatomically correct,  plastic, unicorn with some light up shit and...glitter? Anyway, I'm pricing it insanely high so you know, deep down inside, if you were richer, you could afford to dream of the awesome shit that I have, that you still won't. Haha!" Meanwhile all over the world. "Oh, look, I found that same unicorn, only with a bigger dong and more glitter for a quarter of the price. Hm.". Somewhere, a lonely sobbing is heard throughout the valley, followed by a silencing gun shot.

...and when they find him, he'll be 
clutching unicorn that's soaked in tears.


Man, this shot looks so good, 
I think it might be robot porn!

      Hey, I completely understand...taking pictures is hard. Fuck painful even, right? You have to aim a device at something you want to sell AND push a button! Why don't I just ask you to pierce your pee pee with a screw driver, drink herpes or...or read to your kid or something?! Am I crazy? No. I just find it irritating as fuck when I look up something that I am in desperate need of buying and all you can show me is a stock photo you pulled off Walmart. What's the difference you say? Well, if I buy from Walmart with all of it's stock photo porno showing me the way and my shit arrives a crumpled, fucked up mess, that some delivery guy took a dump on. I can take it back to Walmart and get my money back. If I buy your horseshit with your lazy ass stock photo of what you're selling and it arrives in a heap of ass with a fuck you sticker on it, are you going to take it back? Fuck no you won't! Now, who's to say that it didn't leave your house of questionable morals like that? No one! I have to take my chances, is that it? Well, fuck you! I'll take my credit card over to Best Buy and get fucked by a company with a return policy. This might sound fairly new to you, but, this is the internet...I don't know or trust you. I just want your shit! A good REAL photo of what you're selling goes a long way. It's the difference between this...

Sellin' My custom 'Stang! Who's buying?

and this...

What? It's custom.

1 comment:

  1. When cyber augmentation takes off, I will have myself outfitted with an instantaneous orgasm setting. Not for myself, you understand, but for others.

    Also, this is one of the reasons why I don't tend to shop on eBay. It reminds me of a car boot sale where you can't see the goods first.


Comment. Lest your fear consume you, cry baby.