Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Kim Jong Un - Harbinger of Tha Boom!

      The world is on the cusp of nuclear holocaust and economic insolvency. Yet, we still find time to look at the lighter side of horrific situations. Though, it's solely out of exploitation, what the hell. Kim Jong Il is a slow rotting corpse and with his passing, the world got a little bit saner. Well, for the time being anyway, his son is taking over for the "dead Dear Leader". It looks as though the Young Un is just as wacky. It seems that the world can't catch a fucking break. We shed one whack job dictator with a nuclear arsenal and pick up his diminished capacity son in exchange. At the very least, the transition between nut bag daddy to nut bag son will be somewhat smooth. The nation, the chubby loon is taking over, thinks he's a fat baby. How absolutely wonderful, he might be a porky version of Napoleon, with nuclear weapons.

Drop that motherfuckin' nuke right there. Fuck YOU Waterloo!

      Should we be that worried about the pudgy little fella? Fuck yes. The death of a Korean maniac and his possibly unstable son might adversely affect the world in ton of ways and not just in a backward societal hilarity kind of way. Kim Jong Un is taking over as president/ruler/dictator of North Korea. Albeit, most dictatorships are thinly veiled as a political party or "people who love their people". Love in this case meaning...taking their money and buying DVD's with it. Rarely do the leaders or their respective parties do anything but starve citizens and harvest children's organs for iTunes downloads. Some are good for their respective country, however, though that number is so low, it hovers right around the same number of outwardly homosexual wood fairies currently residing in your ass. This case, however, might be more abrasive to the world in general. Due to all the nuclear weapons North Korea keeps around. Abrasive, meaning, the chubby Korean dynasty might ramp up the insanity...just for North Korean insanity's sake (i.e. kill everyone). According to the internet, the hand over of power from Kim Jong Il's corpse to Fat Jong Un has been smooth. Well, for the time being it has. It might turn sour, when the Cheeze Doodles run out, so does his Kim Jung Un's inhibitions toward initiating nuclear annihilation. Though, hey, what the hell do I know? He could be an easy going peace monger, hell bent on sentencing the world to a non-stop love in. By love in, I of course mean mass orgy. A mass starving orgy.

Me malnourished peace love you long time!

As hot as overly skinny chicks being boned by small donged emaciated men, might be, it's a long shot. Personally, I see Chub Jong Un's reign going one of three nightmarishly horrible, horrible...fun filled ways. 

North Korea's Government Accepts His Functional Retardation

"So, what you're saying is...this isn't real?"

      It's a tale as old as time, an over weight child rises to power and is accepted in the position, largely due to respect for his lineage, despite being incredibly stupid. Hell, it's even happened recently, check out Turkmenbashi and his whacked out ass. His only redeeming quality was that his insane governance was too hilariously stupid to be construed as offensive. Other than to the Turkmenistan  people that is, but, like my first prison cell mate told me "You'd make a fine woman."...no, wait...it was the other thing. What was it? Oh yeah, "No one gives a shit about Turkmenistan!". I digress. Was that because his country wasn't a real threat to anyone? Maybe. He probably would have named his nuke arsenal "Turkmenbashi"...or "Turkmenbashi's Radioactive Penises". I would have went with the latter. So, perhaps North Korea will accept their moronic man child as their supreme over lord. Why not? They've done it before. What would change now? Kim Jong Un spends the country's money on porno, Cheez Whiz and monotone Dickies outfits, instead of food? Sounds like business as usual. Will North Korea will oust the poor guy? Probably after eating each other in freakish cannibal riots. Let's hope it's this and not this...all at the same time, then again...

North Korea Drops A Reality Check On Jong Un's Retardation

"They took my power!" (or "My fart made me cry!")

      So, the man child has his hand on the nations power stick...or...throttle, whatever it is that leaders get that runs everything. Sooner or later, someone on his staff is going to get wind that he's fucking retarded. Now what? It's only a matter of time before one of them, with actual evil balls, decides to not so pleasantly pimp slap the fat kid and take his power stick. An actual military leader, maybe? A crazy zealot? A way more crazy zealot? A human flesh sated crazy military leader zealot? Perhaps all of the above, with a side of "Fuck the world!". Soon after they seize power (presumably by bribing Kim Jong Un with Froot Loops and booze), they take it upon themselves to sacrifice the world in nuclear hell fire, solely because it doesn't recognize their right to rock out with their communist cock out. Let's hope this doesn't happen. Nuclear crazy is no good for anyone. Speaking of which...

Kim Jong Un Wants To Prove He Has A Dick In His Pants

The plan? We kill everyone then,...we have pie.

      Insecurities are a bitch, especially feelings of inadequacy. Kim Jong Un must have a shit ton of them right now. No one thinks he's good enough for the job. The whole world says so, even his own people. He has the internet, I'm sure. During the mourning period after the death of his father, he must have been drunk as shit and crying at least once and trolled the internet. I like to think he was looking for a fat Korean date to his father's funeral. Alas, shit faced, sad and eating fist fulls of Corn Nuts and chugging Red Bull, he saw it. Nestled between eHarmony profiles of chubby Korean women looking for a "dick-tator", he saw it. News sites and news blogs calling him what everyone assumes he is...a moron. Did it anger him? Possibly. Woudl it anger you? We might never know, being that food and humanitarian aid rarely get over North Korean borders, a "Fucking fuck you, guys, YOU'RE THE FUCKING MORONS, MORONS!" comment probably would make it out. So, while processing and getting angered by the "dipshit dictator" label, the dipshit will try to prove to the world, that he's "too legit to quit". How? By bombing the every living fuck out of every living fuck. What better way to show you have a pair, than irradiating everyone else's? I definitely hope it's not this one. I like my testicles, both of them., intact...and un-mutated by fission reaction. Shit. I might send him a case of Oreo's just so I make the "nice" list. 


1 comment:

  1. "Some are good for their respective country, however, though that number is so low, it hovers right around the same number of outwardly homosexual wood fairies currently residing in your ass"

    There's no way you can name 12 good dictators.


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