Saturday, December 24, 2011

Gift Giving And How It's All Fucked.

      I have been thinking lately, mostly due to it being Christmastime...ish, about the event of Christmas. More importantly, the nativity scene and what it all means. A lot of folks tend to acknowledge the giving of gifts to a baby god child. That scene has been recounted every year a thousand and one times. Everyone knows it, well, presumably so, but, regardless, it's easy to look up. We have an internet, use it. I'll wait. Up to speed? I'm glad. Really. I understand the sentiment of the giving and godliness and all the lumped in kindness. I get it. It's pleasant...a new born baby in a feed trough with some hay surrounded by...barn. Sweet. What I found myself pondering was the Three Wise Men. There's a lot to think about. There's the creepiness of them. Who the hell just randomly shows up at a kids actual birth, with gifts, because God told them to. Maybe it was a different time, when explanations ending with "God told me to." wasn't seen as horrifyingly insane. On a side note, in the spirit of scientific testing, I showed up for four random births last week, bearing gifts. When asked who I was and why the fuck I was there, I replied, "I'm "wise" and I'm here to watch this kid get shat out...because God told me I had to.". A few head traumatizing security beatings later and I'm still no closer to getting it. Maybe I didn't science enough. Who knows. Regardless, what I thought about was pertaining to the actions and intentions of those wise men and how they affect us, even today.

"Am I sure? It's the only fucking star in the sky! Are you serious?"

      Okay, I'll go along with the message from God telling these fellas to head up to Bethlehem to hang out with a freshly made kid. It's a stretch for me, but, I'll play. They travel "from the east", which means...what...Russia? It's not important. They travel, they're wise. Here's the thing that gets me. They show up, and what do they bring? Baby clothes? A doll? Whiskey for those awful teething periods? No. Gold, frankincense and myrrh, to give to a newborn. It's a fucking baby. He can't use that shit. Babies are all about looking around blindly and shitting themselves. Three wise men and not one of them chose to bring a rattle...or diapers, something shiny, fucking nothing useful. What I mean to say is, these wise men chose to bring shit a baby couldn't give a shit about. They say it was to pay homage to him being 'King of The Jews". Apparently, royalty at the time had a thing for useless shit...and gold. 

Anyone else get a boner looking at this?, just me, huh. Liars.

      The Wise Men knew they were going to see a baby. I'm not that proficient in biblical tales, mind you, but, I would think they would have to know, right? The bible being ambiguous as it is at times, I have serious doubts about God telling three guys (or 12) to follow a star and there will be a surprise at the end, oh and bring a gift. It doesn't sound very godly to pull something like that on someone. Then again, God has a weird sense of humor. I mean, any god that would bestow an attraction to all things water inside intelligent hairless monkeys, then constantly throw hurricanes and tidal waves at their homes when they build near the stuff is hilariously sick. 


      So, why would three supposed wise men bring un-baby gifts to the party? What reason could you give, other than that you really didn't give a shit at the time. Honestly, God tells you the "King of The Jews" has been born, so, you bring shit that a king during that time would dig. They didn't care that the kid was a fucking baby, they just didn't want to piss God off. They put as little thought into it as they could. Hell, they had a desert to traverse out of god-fear, who has time to think what a baby is in to? Who gave a shit about what they were bringing, right? They were just working on not being smoted...or smited...which ever one gets someone struck by lightning and their balls gnawed off by...I'm assuming snakes of some kind. The baby can figure out what do to with gold, frankincense and myrrh later, they just wanted to keep their balls on their bodies and not smited. 

Hey, infant, here's some myrrh...please don't take our balls.

      Where does that leave us regular clowns? Is it the thought that counts? Well, no, because it doesn't seem like they put much thought into their gifts. They heard "king" and rolled with it. You would think they might have at least tossed a stray thought at it, right? It was a damned baby! "Guys, maybe a blanket with a fluffy bunny?" "Fuck no! GOLD, fuck hole!, just pack the fucking camel!" It's the son of God for fucks sake. Yet, they took no flack for shitty un-baby gifts, from the big man. So, it tells us, that it doesn't matter what you get for someone, just get something, no matter how shitty and inappropriate it might be. When someone looks at your gift of a half filled bottle of Windex wrapped in a Wal-Mart bag, you can tell them about how the Three Wise Men got away with not giving a fuck, so, you should get the same leeway. Who are they be to give you shit about it? God gave the wise chumps a pass. Are they saying they're judgement carries more weight than God? That's an asshole way to look at someone giving you a gift. Who needs shit like that? If you want to make them feel bad you can call them holier than though, but, I'd just stick with "dick nose". It's classic and it's got a comedic ring that can't be beat. Plus, you can throw the fact that it's not the "thought that counts" anyway, it's fear of disappointment that drives us to gift giving. So, if someone gives you flack about a gift you gave them being; lame, thoughtless and ridiculous. Tell them, "Hey! You're not supposed to fucking think about it or even care if it's appropriate, I'm just obligated to God to give "something", regardless of what use or what it might mean to you!". Then, tell them to bake the shoe box filled with dog shit you gave them at 450 degrees "fuck yourself" for 3 hours and to blow you in the mean time. 

Now, take your shit box and smile!

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