Sunday, December 18, 2011

Aliens Exist...So, Eat It.

      Drifting between a conscience thought process and blissful sleep, a subject sure to enrage a plethora of people to the point of obscene gestures, came to me. Before my forehead hit the keyboard and caused me to swear at everything from the ceiling to my own socks, I made sure to remember it. It took only an instant as I used a tried and true method of memorization. Sure enough, it was locked in my brain for at least...the next 6 minutes after I hit my head off the "fuck and shit" inducing keyboard. The subject...aliens exist. The method? Porno association.

I'd bone that alien. It'd be awesome
 if they were re...OH YEAH! Aliens exist.

      First and foremost, I want to address a belief that a number of people have regarding aliens. To make it interesting I'm going to use an analogical situation to clarify my point. Here it is: A person who falls asleep at an orgy, will, in all likelihood, be slapped on the face with a dick to wake them up. So, I'm going to hit you with a dick...of truth...right in the face. We are not special. Our situation, is not special. Humanity is just another animal community on another ball of dirt. Only when we shit where we's world wide. I'm sorry to have to break that to you, but, if there's only one God, he tends to a lot of fucking flocks

And he may look like this. Oh, and we have tiny dicks.

      Often, after rubbing my crotch raw doing the Devil's business, I ponder things like whether there are aliens, how best to deal with bong induced fires or whether egg nog is a food group. It is not, by the way, though, it has eggs in it. Which, is also not a food group. As for aliens, they totally...fucking...exist. Mathematical probability labels it a certainty. Yet, we find ourselves questioning it. Are we that arrogant that we can't accept the reality of something inhabiting this universe, other than ourselves? It's like living in your neighborhood, looking out your door and seeing houses, but, no people at the moment and thinking, "Nope, just me. I am the only one in existence, because I'm special.". That's what we do and it should make you feel exactly as retarded as that sounded. Look, they exist, they're out there, deal with it. Now, are they visiting us? Probably not. First, there's the whole distance thing. The nearest, planet that might support life like ours is...a gazillion light years away (not at technical term). Though, if they are a super advanced species, then, they might be able to do it, cross the distance that is. Hell, they might even have done it. So, are they visiting us? Well, I think the term "visit" is a rather loose interpretation. Do we "visit" an ant hill in Africa?

We come in peace...and now we're going to steal some of you for samples .

      If aliens are "visiting" us, I'm sure they take the same stance we would. Which is, to keep your damned distance. Who knows if these things living on an alien planet are killer poisonous were-vampires or hairless apelike animals that murder for fun and profit. We sure as shit wouldn't land and find out. Why would they?So, if they are zipping around in our skies on occasion, it's because, like us, they're checking out "the other guy", just like we would if we "visited" another planet. Also, like we, they are probably abducting us in an effort to study what makes us so irrepressibly stupid. I'm sure that if I were chief of an alien research vessel, boldly going where a bunch of asshole bald apes have traveled before, I would pick a few country pokes to prod too. Why country folks? Can you imagine kicking a human hornets nest like New York with abducting a couple of chumps to jab at for weaknesses? There would be guns fired at you from rooftops, drag queens flinging bras filled with oranges and politicians wanting your votes. It's far better to skirt the cities and find a few bipeds dicking around with tractors. They're easy picking and, oddly enough, probably know a thing or two about probing animals anally. 

Lick that taint, Gertie.

      So, like that fucking Michael Jackson song, we are not alone. There are billions of stars out there and of those, there are billions of stars like ours, and rotating around those stars are billions of planets, of those planets a billion like ours. Can they support life? Shit, if you were generous with your genocidal elimination of what WE consider life, then, you could eliminate like...half of those planets that are Earth clones, yet, haven't got anything but acres and acres of hallucinogenic plant life. That would still leave billions with aliens, who, like us, are complete fucking idiots. Maybe a few even have the capability to travel the space lanes in search of better shit than they have. Hell, they may even run into us, maybe by tuning into our radio waves or television signals that we are constantly beaming into space. They might even want to see what we're about. Though, I think, again, if I were them...I might pass. Would you seriously consider visiting a planet who thinks people like, Larry The Cable Guy are funny? Hm. I wonder how many alien visits he has cost us?

Shooot. I cain't even count dat high!


  1. If aliens do exist, I want to know what they find so interesting about a distended cow anus. Perhaps only a truly advanced civilisation can fully appreciate the majesty of a cow's rectum.

  2. I have it on good authority that they use cow colon to get better mileage out of their late model interstellar cruisers.


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