Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The Voice: The Drinking Game

There really isn't a heterosexual way to say this, but,...I like The Voice. I could try and spin it, saying I just watch it for Christina Aguilera's bomb ass cleavage, but, that would only be partially true. I am actually intrigued with the competition itself. The energy of the competitors, the songs, the fact that everyone involved seems to have cancer are all valid reasons to watch. Yet, there's something that gnaws at me. Something that tells me that liking this kind of show is wrong.

It's a show about singing, so, obviously, a majority of men deem it "gay" out of hand. Gay meaning, weak or girlish of course, not gay as in homosexual. Eat all the pussy and dick you want gay people. This doesn't concern you.

While it may seem "faggy" or some other homophobic adjective, it shouldn't in any way diminish the show's appeal. It's pretty neat, though, still a hard sell to the die hard anti-faggy factions. Yet, it is possible and I believe I have found the answer. I present dear friends, The Voice Drinking Game...

Pictured: Cleavage and vodka.

The game works like this; 4 judges: Christina Aguilera (r&b chick), Blake Shelton (some country singer), Cee Lo Green (weird mother fucker) and the gay guy from Maroon 5 have their backs to the contestants. The contestants sing and the judges turn around if they like what they hear. This is the first wager to make.

1a. Are they going to turn around? 

To pick the bull dyke or not to pick the bull dyke? Drink.

It's a 50/50 take a shot/drink bet so far. Some sappy crooning fuck is singing his/her heart/vagina out. Is a judge going to turn around? Are they going to make it? The game begins. 

Yes: no drink
 No: drink. 

1b. Who turns around?

Who's house? Cee Lo's...fat.

So, maybe a judge or two decides to give the warbling nobody a shot. There are four judges. Choosing who will turn around for the prick is a bet in itself. Many a time has the tattooed lesbian turned the country singing Blake guy's shit around. So, really, it's anyone's game. Plus, depending on how many people are playing, you can choose more than one judge. Which, makes it all the more awesome. Choose a judge and wait...or pray, depending on your devotion to the game. 

Your judge turns: Don't drink
Yours doesn't: Drink

2. Shit, more than one judge?

I'll choose...the one with the most tits.

Well, fuck. More than one turned around. Now what? Well, according to their rules, it's the contestant's turn to pick who they're going to roll with. Now, you get to place your bets on which "coach" the contestant is going to pick. Choose one of them and see what happens. 

They pick your judge: Drink
They don't: Don't drink.

Multiply this by the ass load of contestants per show and you're bound to get trashed. These top rules really only apply to the "blind audition" parts of the show, at the beginning of the season. Relax, there's still more drinking to be had. 

3. Who are they getting rid of?

Whomever strips...wins. Aaaannnd go!

All of these shows have them...the eliminations. Poor bastards get a taste of that golden ring of fame, only to have it ripped from their aching maw. I love it. It makes me smile to see potential stunted. It's sick I know, but,...well...fuck you. I digress. After getting people on their teams, it's time for the Judges initially pick 12 people for their perspective team, which now has to be thinned to like...6 or something. It doesn't matter. Why? Because the contestants battle each other two at a time as a way for the judges to decide. Pick your man and run with it.

Your prick makes it: drink
Your prick doesn't: don't drink

Again, this is like six times a show or something, so, drink up! Plus, you can add a bonus drink for every time Cee Lo makes a sexually innuendo laced comment to the women contestants...which is a goddamn lot or perhaps when that Blake guy makes a homosexually laced comment toward the guy from Maroon 5...which is starting to be...a lot. Weird. 

4. Who's staying? Who's going?

You win, bitch!

Through most of this shit, you'll find that it comes down to one person against another. This happens later in the show too, only, it comes down to the audience voting at home. This can be a bitch. Sometimes it comes out of left field. 

Your person stays: don't drink
Yours leaves: drink.

There are a ton of other things to drink to in this show. Will the person bring up an illness as the reason they're on the show? Will it be "for their kids"? Will Cee Lo be petting his fucking cat during his "interview" segments? All of this shit can be worked into this game. Have fun with it, change the rules, whatever...and remember, after you're done playing, drive home slowly and with lots of braking. You're drunk for God's sake, have some decency and drive slow and methodically...with one eye open. 

Seriously, don't drive drunk. 
What are you a fucking idiot?

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