Monday, February 20, 2012

Sometimes I Feel Like, Somebody's Watching Me...

      Paranoia. What a bunch of fucked up shit.What can I say about it that the person, who follows me, while taking pictures, naked...not, not me naked...he's naked....what can I say that he hasn't shouted already? Paranoia, much like that naked guy, seems to be, everywhere. There are security cameras, suspicious activity reporting hot lines and web porn monitoring programs. Everything is recording every obscene gesture make toward school children and their fat mothers, everywhere. It's a prison cell of a world we're living in. Kind of. Okay, that's over the top, but, it's definitely cutting into my flashing random people in the park Time.

Dog. Penis.

      Living in this paranoid world, for as long as I have, I have learned a thing or two. For instance, humping statues of the Virgin Mary, while drunk, constitutes "indecent sexual contact with an inanimate object", police cars are not urinals, even when you're drunk and ATM cameras know when you're wearing pants. I've also gotten used to being surveilled. We all have. Cameras are everywhere, recording everything and who the fuck cares? Lots of people surely, of course, there aren't major protests and fire bombings to stop it. We've accepted a lot of prying eyes, but, still wonder what they're doing, what they're seeing and why. So, our paranoia persists, though at a subdued level. Yet, that doesn't stop people from amping up their paranoia. Amping it up in weird ways...for weird things. Especially in the media. Here's two of my favorites...

Your GPS Is Selling You Out!

All of these satellites are working against you.

      On Star recently changed their user agreement to include a stipulation that they can sell your whereabouts to...well...anyone. Oh, no, it's true. See. The guy who wrote about it flipped out too. He wasn't pissed about On Star, possibly annotating all of his favorite weed and hooking hot spots. He just doesn't like corporations logging where his balls have been resting for longer than a minute. 

      It seems that a lot of geo-tracking companies are doing this. Tom Tom, got in trouble for selling information to police departments, so that they could set up more effectual speed traps. Isn't that a mother fucker? Things you buy to make your life a little easier, end up making "The Man's" life easier too. Only, he's going to have to find his own weed and hookers, because half the battle with that is face to face negotiation. SOLVE THAT FUCKING PROBLEM TOM TOM! 

      Face it, it's the information age. People are using gathered information in strange and questionable ways all the time. Your's already has. How to you think you get all the spam? They know you like penis pumps and great deals on fish oil vitamins! They know who you are and where you live! GPS services, shuffling off your information for people to use as traffic data and setting speed traps sucks. I mean, I like to drive recklessly, ESPECIALLY while intoxicated. 

      I'll be the first to admit that accurate speed traps suck balls, but, even without GPS info, the speed traps would still be there. The data provided by these companies provide an easier way to go about it. That's it. On Star and Tom Tom wouldn't be in business long if they narc-ed on their customer base all the time. Though, if some of them are doing illegal shit, then, it's not just their responsibility to report the shit, but, everyone's. Especially if it's dangerous to others.

      Still don't like it? Have someone rip out your On Star. It's difficult, but not impossible. If you're that worried about On Star, suddenly worrying about you (out of the 5.1 MILLION subscribers they have out there), then, by all means, cut them loose. I'm fairly certain they won't miss you. Unless they've already implanted their tracking devices in your brain...then, I'm afraid it's too late. Far...far too late.

Political Paranoids

Holy shit...that guy's fucking my intern. 

       Paranoia in politics isn't new, it's just damned funny. Two sides of the same coin, duking it out over shit no one really pay attention to. Take for instance...this shit. Apparently, 5 million people are going to be taken off the voter rolls. This is a pretty big deal. The sad fact is, if this were presented in a way that wasn't political, it might actually interest people. 

      Among the funniest aspects of politics and it's reporting, are the fact that it's presented in such a paranoid manner. It's never, "This guy running the show is trying to take your money and your rights, here's the evidence.". If that were the case, everyone would be pretty pissed. Flinging shit pissed! Sorry,....that's the absolute pinnacle of non violent anger for me. If you're willing to fling your own shit, you're fucking maaad.

      Instead of reporting these infringements on the public's rights/employment/privacy, in an unbiased, subjective manner, they report it as, "Hey, this guy who's in charge is totally fucking everybody over. I looked it up, because I belong to a diametrically opposed side, therefore, due to partisan paranoia, I'm telling the truth, because I scrutinize every maneuver THEY make.". 

      The problem with this is that it's instantly deemed bullshit. Why? Because you oppose everything the guy stands for, to epic paranoid levels, so, obviously, the shit you're reporting is going to say something bad about the other side. Be it truth or not, whatever is said, is seen as paranoid, school yard bickering and instantly discounted. The same is true for politics in general...which is hilarious. 

"You're going to hit me aren't you!"      "NO, YOoo're going to hit ME!"

      Paranoia is a major part of our days. Who is that?, what's that guy doing?, who's hand is in my pants? are questions we ask everyday. It's practically a second nature response for everything from occupied parked cars to food with broken seals that I've injected LSD into. 

      It's disheartening and scary. It breaks homes, fuels most shooting sprees and causes cavities. Though, paranoia has a fun side too.  Maybe, if we took a little time to appreciate it, it just might some degree. Then again, phoning in the discovery of a fulfilled suicide pact/ government conspiracy to radio stations is a great way to kill a lonely Saturday night. Honestly, without it, we wouldn't have made it to the moon! So, relax a little bit and learn to laugh at the weirder less obvious bits. It's not like there are foreign spies listening to you right now. Right? Speaking of which...I wonder what those Russkies are doing now? 

I dink dey er hon to us, comrade. 
Hide deh mind kontrol yer arse.

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