Tuesday, March 20, 2012

4 Things Alien Invasion Movies Say About Aliens

      I love a good alien movie. Unfortunately, most of them fucking suck. They all have same asinine problems. The biggest being an inexcusable lack of female frontal nudity. Mmmm tits. Another big shit stain on alien invasion movies, is how stupid the aliens. It would be a hell of a lot better if they weren't so inexplicably dumbasstastic! Yet, it's not just stupidity alone. There's something else going on. I think I have it figured out though. It's all about being efficient.

      Inefficiency seems to be a big problem for an invading alien horde. The logistics of a planetary scale invasion alone would cause a brain hemorrhage, among the more retarded of us. Lump in efficiency problems and suicide rates would double among the invaders. Yet in movies showcasing alien invasions inefficiency runs rampant. Albeit, movie aliens are a finicky bunch. Even aliens have to adhere to some sort of stable, streamline plan. The invasion (and it's much needed equipment) seems to be the last thing on their mind, however. I mean, for one thing...

Aliens don't care about money.

Fuck it...we'll make more.

      Imagine that you've taken it upon yourself to conquer another population. Say, it's Idaho, because, who doesn't want to destroy Idaho? So, you intend to wipe out all those potato growing mother fuckers. Nice. Now, you cobble together a plan of attack. Easy. Plan: "Destroy Idaho". Done. Scraping the money together, getting investors interested and convincing them that the world could use a few less Idahoans is a big fucking task. 

      Maybe, selling them on the idea that invading Idaho, would really boost your local economy. That might work. Telling them that Idaho is trying to keep all the potatoes for themselves? Better. Funded, you toss an army together with grandiose visions of potato palaces. Equipped, you set out to annihilate those uppity Idahoan pricks. Then, you get there, and your "soldiers" start shooting at everything, including their own vehicles and housing. What the fucking fuck assholes! That shit is important. MONEY important.

We've destroyed our own chairs, guys. All that's left is crates. CRATES!

      It seems that aliens give barely a shit about these things. It shows up in movies all the time, from the "Alien" franchise to "Cowbys Versus Aliens". Humans find their way onto an alien vessel or around an alien vessel...or snorsmashed Xanex pills off an alien vessel. Aliens get pissed and a fire fight breaks out. Aliens start chasing people. Along the way they shot holes in their own shit. Stupid asses.

      When you're a million miles away from home, your equipment is finite. The things you're laser blasting the shit out of are important, not only for your mission, but, your survival. You would think they'd try putting a few more laser blasts in humans, rather than their own walls and machines. A couple of well placed shots could cut the confrontation damage down to, maybe, a slightly fucked up hallway. Instead, damage escalates into hundreds of man hours. Plus, the damage might be severe enough, that it leaves you stranded on an alien world. Lives are now at stake from that stranding. Somewhere, an alien project supervisor is flipping his shit, demanding the deaths of an alien named Slimy Joe Dan and his merry band of ship destroyers.

Aliens don't research.

Ooooo...non-nudity. Good articles.

      Every alien invasion has a dramatic ships flying over huge cities shot. The quivering human, meat sacks scurry around while the aliens bide their time. Waiting. Then, whoosh! Lasers and shit, a bazillion explosions and then, THEN the little bald human monkeys start shooting shit back! Eventually, people fall back to  atomic bombing everything. Finally, at the end of all that shit, what's left? Lost lives, equipment, spent resources on BOTH sides. What the fuck can an invading belligerent race do? Is there an easier way? Of course there is...it just takes some fuckin' research.

      It seems like they're willing to spend copious amounts of...whatever their money is, on ships, troops and communication gear, plus the things you need to make those run (food, ammunition, pornography), on an invasion effort zillions of miles away, but, they don't commit any time to researching who they're trying to kill. 

Sooo...they double over and quit? Research. Done.

      Rather than spend a shit load of and want not on invading. Why not do actual research on the easiest way to kill...people? It might just save an ass load of coin. Shit, I mean, off hand, they could just poison the water supply or send a few secretive like missions and irradiate whole neighborhoods with microwaves or something. They'd eliminate billions of people without a fight. A little research goes a long way, stupid fucking aliens.

Aliens have no contingency plan.

They fucked up our plan, fellas. Lets pack it up, we're beat. 

      Why is it that a race of beings, who are advanced enough to interstellar travel, can't come up with more than one plan? It seems like, once their initial wave of the attack is over...that's it. It's happened in movies like "Independence Day", "War of The Worlds" (50's and shitty Tom Cruise versions) and every other fucking movie with an alien invasion. Why wouldn't they have a back up plan? Fuck, they flew all that way and once a couple of their ships go up in smoke...that's it. 

      You might say they underestimated humanity or even it's tenacious need to keep living in a non-burning state. Yet, that doesn't account for a complete lack of redundant planning. Something as simple as a "second wave" of invasion would solve the problem. Maybe even a regrouping period to suss out what went wrong the first time. Fuck, we, as humans have plans, plans and more plans just to fix a fucking toaster. There are still unused plans laying around from when we chucked a few guys at the moon! Fucking aliens are so smart...they're retarded.

Aliens can't engineer.

All it takes is one...crazy...Randy Quaid, to stop an alien invasion.

      All of the above (easily solved) hindrances to efficient alien invasion culminate, right here. Imagine again, that you've planned out your invasion. Everything is humming along and Idahoans are falling by the hundreds. The sun is shining, things are smoking and Idaho will soon be yours. Suddenly, you get a report from one of your Idaho hating army generals. A flaw has been found in your plan. It seems that the awesome tanks you bought have a mind bogglingly stupid problem that instantly turns them into tank driver ovens/bombs! The flaw? A bolt can be easily removed and it turns every tank into a flaming metal death box with shrapnel potential. What would you do? If your answer is...murder the asshole engineer who designed the fucking thing, you'd be mostly correct. Because he just fucked your whole army. 

      Aliens, as advanced as they are, apparently hire engineers under the strict guideline that they be supremely retarded. The devices and things they build are always stupidly flawed. 

      They travel to what seems like a world of easy pickings when, suddenly, that fatal flaw is found. Usually, it's something that is glaringly obvious...and usually glowing. Yet, despite being technologically advanced enough to traverse immense distances, through cold unforgiving space, they land here to discover a flap on their hull converts their sweet ride into an alien flambe box of horror. 

In the end...it seems that aliens, in movies, are written to be incredibly stupid on purpose. It's mostly to ease our minds. We want humanity to conquer all. Though, if movies were made with slightly more realistic out comes, maybe we won't be so shocked when something comes our way that isn't easy defeated with a swift blow to a glowing exhaust port (thank you Star Wars). 


  1. I've also wondered why aliens are so retarded.

    "Signs" - Water, the stuff that inhabits 70% of the world, is their kryptonite.

    "War of the Worlds" - An alien race that's been planning an invasion for centuries is wiped out by the most abundant living life form on Earth, bacteria.

    I agree. They need to sort their shit out.

    1. Those things have always bothered me as well. You'd think they would send a scout out and wait for a radio transmission from them. If they answer back with a bunch of gagging and screaming, they'd just put a check by Earth on their list and write, "Killed scout", and move on.

  2. I always wonder why aliens want to invade Earth in the first place. Surely there are 100 million worlds out there more suited to their needs, that don't include harmful bacteria and acidic water (really, Signs?). I always like to imagine that the aliens in movies have more asinine intentions, like to rob us of our donuts.

    1. Perhaps, all they really want...is love.

  3. Replies
    1. Thank you very, very much. Please, read until you can't read no, mo' Great commenting!


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