Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Real Hunger Games: 3 Easy Ways to Win "The Biggest Loser"

      As I've said a hundred and six times before, I smoke a lot of po--watch a lot of t.v. A show find myself watching, while I finish a second bag of pork rinds, is The Biggest Loser. It's a reality game show about fat people, competing to not be fat.

      At the tail end of the fat fest, the person that loses the most weight gets $250,000, which, by last count is officially enough money to buy anyone. This would be just an awesome game show with a lot of sweat and whining, but, somewhere along the line, it becomes a love in. No one seems to care about winning the fucking money. They start yammering about coming on the show to "get healthy" and "I'm doing this for my family".

      I did mention the prize is $250K, right? I'd throw several small children to hungry tigers for less.Yet, these people bitch, complain and form friendships instead. It's like the years of wrapping bacon on their Cheeto and doughnut sandwiches has done something to their brains. Fortunately,  my brain is hopped up on a dose of, what is affectionately referred to as...reality. Well, that...and homemade anti-freeze wine. I know what it takes to win this fucking game and it's not clammy fat hugs and tearful "love you"s. I'm going to tell you, exactly how to win The Biggest Loser.

Anti-freeze goodness en route to my brain.


I see in him the spirit of a champion...and 900 Baconators.

      "Being a fat ass is a given, Elton! It's a show all about fatness. Have you been huffing paint thinner?", is what you're thinking...and, yes, I have...I'm not proud. Besides that, I know being fat is how you get on the show, but, it's also a way to stay in the competition. 

      Having lot of weight going in means you have more to lose when you're there. Part of the game is "weighing in" to determine who's eliminated. Whoever loses the most stays in the game, the least, goes the fuck home penniless and hungry. I'm not saying that a person should be a Fruit Roll Up away from a heart attack, but,...close.


Like this...but, with a few years of depression eating packed on.

      I like to think I know my fellow man pretty well. I side step the homeless guy in the streets with nary an wince of disgust, just like everyone else. I'm also just as greedy as my fellow man. So, when you dangle a $250K prize in someone's face, it's fairly motivating. Well, it should be, but, not on this "I cry more than I lose weight" show. Everyone seems to lose sight of the reason they ultimately signed up for this fucking thing. 

      Making friends with the people you're pitted against to win is asinine. Sure, it's bound to happen to some capacity but, growing attached and needy is not going to win money. What the fucking fuck, you fat fucking fucks! Everyone participating comes from different parts of the country. You'll never see these people again after the show is over! Being a prick isn't an option either. You do have to live with the people and garner their "votes" but, holy shit. Eventually, someone has to win. 

      The usual contestant also says they wanted to go on the show to "get healthy" and to lose weight. What? You can do that shit at home by yourself! What the fuck do you need a game show for? For two gay guys to motivate you? Well, one gay guy for sure. Regardless, if you're in that kind of shape before going on the show, chances are you're poised for another fat attack after the show. 

    Getting on The Biggest Loser for any other reason than money, just makes you look like a retarded fat asshole. The show isn't about making friends or finding a fucking support group, it's about winning money. Less friends more winning, that's the motivation. Keep that in mind and the money is yours. Oh, that reminds me...


I would bone either side. 

      So, we've established two things, go on the show fat and making friends is for assholes. The third and most important to lose weight. Yeah, I know that's a given too, but, I mean...a LOT of weight. One of the key factors that will get you to the gold is the "weigh in". The person that loses the most, stays on the show and can't be voted off. So, if you lose the most every week, you'll be in it until the end. Is that impossible? To some of these fuck holes it is.

      The trap that a lot of the contestants fall into is making friends and playing side games. You don't want this. You want to win. Winning means losing weight, which means working out, period. Getting suckered into social back stabbing fun and games is retarded. If you are constantly working out...all the time, you'll lose the most weight. Diet is important too, but, the main thing is to lose the most weight...every week. 

      From what I've seen the gym on "the ranch" is open 24/7. So, while everyone else is walking around having feel good fun time jerking each other off, be at the gym. Busting your ass in a gym longer and harder than the other fat assholes will get you $250,000.00. Is that not motivation enough? 

A lot of people will say that winning isn't everything. Losing weight and keeping it off is the real reward. Plus, making friends with people during an emotionally stressful time will help you in the long run. Well...fuck those people. Losing weight is hard fucking work, I'll give you that. Going on a show to lose weight, for the chance at winning an ass load of money (officially), is for straight up greed. Sugar coating it just makes you look like a dumb ass. At the end of the day, being the fat ass that lost the most fat is what it's all about. 


  1. If I was on the show, during the initial weigh-in I'd cram a cannonball up my arse, adding a lot of extra weight. Then, when it comes to the second weigh in, I'd make sure the cannonball was removed, revealing that I'd lost loads of weight without really trying. Then, I could continue to be fat for the remainder of the show!

    1. That is the most ingenious, diabolical idea I have ever heard. Let's hope that the possible contestants of the show never find this post, with your comment. Lest there be a barrage of contestants with cannonball laden asses, to the bewilderment of the producers.

      Bravo, sir.


Comment. Lest your fear consume you, cry baby.