Monday, March 26, 2012

Albert Einstein, Commie Incest Non-Bomber

      It's crazy how shitty our information quality is these days. You can't even look something upwithout finding a convoluted shit storm, strewn about like so many used condoms. We have too much! We have so much of it, that truth and fact, actually become lost in the jumble of...truth and facts. I chock it up to to massive amounts of poorly drawn anime wolves. I don't know why, I just do.

It makes my eyes scream.

      That being said, I thought I'd give you some little known info on a historical icon. It's a public service I provide from time to time. It's so you can dangle it in front of idiots, like a giant cock of knowledge. Then, tell them to suck it. No...wait, no...wait...I guess that works. I meant to just say, you know, just plain..."Suck it!" but, it still works with a dick reference too. Regardless, here's a few things bout Albert Einstein that will expand your knowledge penis. 

All I need to own right here, bitch.

      Why the fuck are you talking about Albert "Droppin' Bombs" Einstein, Elton? Well, he seems to be a man that the public seems greatly misinformed about. People just take him for what he is, a wild haired genius that discovered something about MC's and blew up the Japanese. That's all you really need to know, right? Well, even that's slightly bullshit. 

Einstein didn't invent the atomic bomb.

      His "Theory of Special Relativity" helped scientists develop then, make the atomic bomb. More importantly, it was the "humanity crushing energy, released by dicking with atoms", part that really helped. Albert Einstein actually despised the atomic bomb. He was sure (and might be right) about it's use in destroying us all. Get this. After being asked, how the bomb would be used in another world war, he made this face as they took his picture...

Fuck. Bombs are a bummer.

      Then, he delivered this quote (one of my favorites), "I don't know what kind of weapons will be used in the third world war, assuming there will be a third world war, but, I can tell you what the forth world war will be fought with--stones.". Later, the awesomeness of that quote caused a million woman to orgasm and spontaneously become pregnant...hence the baby boom. True story.

Einstein believed in 
a world government.

That's the hand we wipe our asses with.

      Living through two world wars must have been a bitch. I imagine it's kinda like living through a real life Call of Duty game except with more fedoras, a holocaust and a nuclear bomb finale thrown in for sheer terror's sake. For a peace loving guy like Einstein, living through two world wars was particularly troubling. So, it would only make sense for him to want the world to hold hands and decide on a better life for everyone. Unfortunately, this is Earth, we are human and people don't wash their hands after using the bathroom..

      Einstein wanted a world government that would focus on solving problems with words instead of bombs. It's a sweet and kind idea, in theory. Kind of like jumping off a roof with an umbrella. You imagine floating down, Mary Poppins like, while everyone looks on, envious of your courageous balls. Yet, we all know the truth; open umbrella, extend arm with umbrella, careen to the ground at the speed of sound to the horror of onlookers. Then, possibly, definitely shitting yourself.

      His idea was to have an elected, international government, rule over countries like states. He felt that nationalistic patriotism was a big contributor toward bullshit like Nazism. So, by eliminating borders and countries in general, we wouldn't have that problem any more. We'd become a real life "We Are The World" civilization, complete with celebrity cameos. Would it or could it work? Hell no. Apparently, soccer hooligans didn't exist in Einstein's time or he would know that people get violently attached to any-fucking-thing, including children's games. People grow attached to everything; neighborhoods, apartment blocks, streets, taking away borders and nations wouldn't quell anything. It is a nice idea though, if people weren't involved.

Einstein Married His First Cousin

Besides working for nuclear disarmament, 
I also work my cousin's ass. 

      Hey, maybe it was one of those "it was a simpler time" things or maybe it's a love is blind thing, I like to think that it's because Einstein had literally fucked every other available vagina (be it animal, mineral or vegetable). Einstein married his first cousin. Gross to me and you, vaguely acceptable to sex starved Germans back then. Wince worthy as it is, you'd have to admit, his cousin was better looking than his non-related first wife.Though, if you are feeling especially forgiving, you could say that for every great thing, there's something grotesque. So, for the greatness of Albert Einstein's genius, there was cousin fucking going on. 

Cousin fucking! 

      I have a lot more to say on the subject, of seemingly obscure Einstein crap, but, my insatiable need to tape my hands, slather them in glue, dip them in glass and savagely beat plush animals is getting the better of me. I must attend to it or suffer another violent relapse at the Toys R Us...again. 


  1. You probably already know this, but there is a reason why Jewish people married their cousins. After Hitler's extermination, many surviving Jews found themselves related to each other in some way, shape or form. Inbreeding was the only way to keep the race going, and cousins were quite often as distantly removed as they could get.

    1. I suppose, theoretically, that might be true. Though, Einstein was a world renown celebrity and he traveled a LOT. So, it would stand to reason that he'd have the opportunity to nail a lot of New York Jewish women as well as Israeli Jewish tail as well. Well, Israeli-ish. It wasn't yet a country, though, there were plenty of hot Jew-tang roaming around, I'm sure.

  2. Einstein married his cousin in 1919. The Holocaust started in 1933.

    Also, Einstein started bang-a-ranging his cousin in 1912, the same year he married his first wife. When I say bang-a-rang, I mean it in a vaginal sexual intercourse kind of a way, not the Peter Pan Never Never Land kind of a way. Well, in Never Never Land they might have been banging, but they weren't doing it vaginally, at least before that English chick Wendy got there. But who wants to bang an English chick? Messed up teeth and they can't even cook good to make up for it. Now a French chick? That's the kind of foreign tail I could do. Sure, they don't shave their pits, but they love wine and they smoke. And if they smoke they poke. Plus you have that sloppy drunken wine induced sex to fall back on. They're the type of chick that would probably let you put it in their butt. Well, they'd probably have to be drunk though. I think that French chicks are the kind of chicks that would be prudish sober, talking down to you in their romance language that sounds nothing like Latin, at least to my English language trained ears. But if you got them toasted on some Chard, yeah, all aboard to BDSM city. Well, I don't mean all aboard. Like one aboard. I don't want to have a lightsaber battle in the sleeping car. I wonder if French chicks are into that whole more than one chick thing though? I suppose I could go for the all you can eat Taco buffet in the dining car. What do I mean I suppose? Of course I would go for it. Carpet city, man. French chicks and their non-shaving. I never really had a chick that had a eau natural muff though. Well, I suppose I could do it. Women in the States have only been shaving that for like, what, twenty years? So I guess I'd be doing it like my dad and his father before him. And that's cool, because I'm big into heritage. That way I don't have to look like a racist and fly the Confederate Flag to show my support for what my white forefathers have done. No, I'll look like a retro cool guy and dive into three inches of pubes. I mean, I've had the landing strip. That's kinda cool, and not too trashy. The landing strip says, hey there big guy, this way to the runway at the Pussyville International Airport. Wait, no. The Pussyville Regional Airport. I don't think I could have a chick who had enough dong to qualify as international. Plus at those airports they fly jumbo jets. Now, I'm not saying that I'm by any means comparable to a small commuter plane, but I imagine those 747 dongs might have damaged the runways. I don't want to land my jet on something that pockmarked. I mean, I just don't want the damage, you know? I also don't like my plane to fly with "rubber tires" if you know what I mean. You can't feel the landings and the taking off. And man, when you take off and those afterburners kick in, hell yeah man. The thing is, my plane, while nicely sized for a regional airport, is equiped for short take offs and landings. Sometimes my airports feel left out. They want a plane who makes full use of the runway. I have problems though. Not with using the whole damned runway, but my concern is the fact that you'll use too much, and plow into that freeway just beyond. That's too much. Really I think the airports are greedy. No, fuck you Slut Wearing A Thong International. I'll take Fat and Chubby Regional. Besides, that airport sees so few aircraft that the control tower will let you land in the back lot. I sure do talk a lot about anal, don't I? What was I writing about? Oh, yeah, family fucking...

    1. As epic as this comment is, I must say that I disagree with a few points. Fat and chubby doesn't necessarily mean regional. They could very easily have been blowing or boning their way into free Happy Meals enough to qualify as "international".

    2. Yeah, but Fat and Chubby International is the airport no one wants to fly out of. Sure, you might have a connecting flight there, and you know, any port in a storm, but that airport seems like baggage claim would be a bitch.

    3. Wait...tits? Are you talking about baggy tits...baggage? Any porty tits in the storm baggage?

    4. No, baggage isn't a euphi... eupha... euphuhm... another word for titties. Baggage in this sense means baggage. No, not the kind you call luggage. Emotional baggage.

      Thing about it. This chick has so little self control. She's so fat that if she was alive during the Einstein era the Luftwaffe would have tried to paint a swastika on her fat ass and offer non-stop service to New York. And the fact that she's a whore. Let's recap: low self esteem so she 1.) eats to feel better, and 2.) sucks dong to feel better. Just think of all the crazy shit she let's guys do to her.

      Just think of all the crazy shit she let's guys do her her.

      Just think of all the crazy shit.

      Just think.

      Yeah, ok Elton, now I see your point. That's what Bill Airlines calls a hub airport.

    5. Ah, thank you for clearing that up. Though, I wish you had done it, before I went to the mall asking fat women, to let me bag their airports/vaginas. Then I motor boated them, while they kneed me in the crotch. Though, I did get a lot of fat airport phone numbers. Oh,...sorry...hub airports.

  3. Also, his cousin was his cousin twice, a la she was his first cousin maternally and his second cousin maternally, meaning his mom and dad loved the inter familial bang bang.

    Basically, what I'm trying to convey here is anal. I like it. I wonder if Einstein put it up his cousin's poop shoot? I mean, he didn't have any kids with her. So either she took it up the butt, on the chin, or Einstein in his later years got good enough with the Physics thing to know when to pull out.

    1. The physics of pulling out is a tricky endeavor. I have a feeling that Einstein might have been more of a mouth finisher. Something about his hair screams mouth finisher to me.

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