Everyday, between my 30 minutes of meditation and huffing gasoline, I read the news. It's my small way of trying to stay in touch with terrifying world outside my window. Without it, I might never know that the chances of me finding a job is insanely bad or the chances of Republicans choosing an blithering moron is insanely good. Yet, every time I read the news...I can't help but think,"This is boring as shit."
Bored...according to Google and coffee? Yeah, I don't know.
I did this once and I shit myself for two weeks.
What happened to the good ol' days of newsssmanship? Newsmanity? Fuck it. The days when a good political assassination rocked the headlines and people shit their pants at the threat of a nuclear threat irradiating their assholes? Today, we have a war, election and joblessness. All have little to no action factor...except the war, but, thanks to the puss media, we don't even get that! Where's bloodshed CNN? Is it so much to ask for a few burning corpses in waning desert sun shots? It's a war goddamnit. I don't think that's expecting to much. Alas, the letters I've sent remain unanswered. Maybe they didn't contain enough nudity...or American flags. Fucking commies.
When it's not sexy blood and violence...it's wrong.
I'm not just a blood spatter lovin' junkie. I have a heart. I once fought the urge to run a squirrel over for 2 whole minutes. It lasted all the way up to the point where it panicked and ran under my tire anyway. Albeit, I didn't slow down, I didn't honk...and I was smiling, the thought crossed and lingered briefly in my mind...like a fart. A mercy fart.
However, news is news, News. It should have some inkling of the human condition, not just mindless statistics mixed with complaining. Can we have more "My buddy died in my arms and told me he loved me...and he was gay...with cancer...and AIDS" stories? I'm sure they're out there. Find them, news!
Instead of cramming "The pandas aren't fucking" snippets down my gullet, give me something with some heft. Fuck pandas. If they don't want to get it on, then they want extinction. Let them have it. Less burden on species that actually want to live...like Koalas...which are deadly. Who would have thought? Anyway, a good "random bullet grazed my skull, but, I'm alive and learning to speak without drooling" segments are pure gold, news. Use them.
Fuckin' fuck fuck.
Perhaps I want to much. I should be happy with a boring world. It's less likely to kill me. I should be thankful but, dammit. Just one day, when the world shirks the shabby coat of crappiness and embraces the awesome. I guess I'll just have to wait. Until then, I'll remain hopeful reading diligently...everyday. I'll be waiting...news. I'll be waiting.
Headline: "The City of Amsterdam Burns Due to Everyone
Lighting Their Weed At Once!
World Officially Stoned!"