Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Pet Conspiracy

      Mankind has had the insatiable need to forcibly domesticate animals for thousands of years. Despite their shedding, longing to eat human young and ability to shit seemingly anywhere, we keep them around. There are some benefits to having home bound animals. At the moment, all of those beneficial reasons escape me.

      So, for the next few minutes, allow me to argue a point. The fuck animals point. Not...not literally fuck animals. That's an entirely different subject, though, equally worthy of discussion, just not now. There will be no animal fucking involved here. Sorry to disappoint you. There will animal pictures however, so, if the need arises, pleasure yourself with them, who am I to judge?

What the fucking fuck is wrong with you? 
Not judging...just a question.

      Domestic animals, well, more to the point, pets, are pricks. While rising anger, in defense of pets, eases your blood temperature toward the heat of a thousand suns, let me elaborate. If you lived with a person that did nothing but, lay about all day between bouts of sleep, you'd call them severely depressed, catatonic or more apropos lazy pieces of shit. Now, imagine if, said person, required special food, which you would have to buy yourself and prepare for them, on a daily basis. 

      If that food is unavailable, they whine like a wino in a dry county. Perhaps, pissing on a possession or two of yours...or maybe just shit on the floor to make a point. What would you call a person like that? Anything short of "supreme motherfucking asshole of assholes" is selling them short. You'd specifically hire a hit man to extract that prick from your life and throw in extra for pistol whipping and chastising. Now, imagine they're a pet and it's suddenly acceptable. Oh, those fucking animals.

All your life are belong to us.

     It turns out there may be a reason. Devoting a sizable amount of my precious time to researching. I believe I have uncovered the truth. A pet conspiracy. By research, of course, I mean bottle emptying alcoholic binge...and by truth I mean, bizarre, unsubstantiated brain farting. Thank you alcohol!

Research never tasted so good.

      Somewhere, deep in the recesses of evolution lies a truth. A plot so devious that it may shake the very foundations of it's foundations. Sorry, I once read something about foundations being important when building things. I was incredibly shit faced when I read it. Actually, I think it might have been in a brochure, at an AA meeting. I digress. A super intelligent breed of super mammal/reptile/fish conglomerate chose humanity as it's host. As man was rising to it's present, supposed position of greatness in the animal world, the "pet" species of the world gathered together in a secret bunker under what is now Yellow Stone National Park...and decided our fate. 

Using a foresight far greater than any human could or would ever have, animals decided in favor of a very, very comfortable future. By making humans feel superior, they have devised a way to be fed, pampered and taken care of for the rest of their lives. They would use us to further their own existence. It's diabolical in it's simplicity and genius. Worse's working. 


      They're are best friends! If the term best friend were to include dead weight anchor then, absolutely. We spend 20 billion more on them than we do on air conditioning in Afghanistan and Iraq. Why is that important? Because air conditioning in a desert is just as stupid as spending that much on pets. If you need air conditioning enough to spend 20 billion on it, spend 20 bucks on gas and get the fuck out of the desert. 

      A lot of folks treat their pets like their children. They buy them clothes, pedicures, make-up and glamour shots. People even leave pets entire estates in their wills. 

      The difference between pets and children of course, is that your kids might grow up to be useful. There's an offhand chance that upon reaching adulthood, a parent might get some pay back. They might reciprocate your love with some modicum of care in your advanced, dying years. Whereas pets grow up to be dead. We care for them, love them, nurture them and what we get in return is sometimes rewarding. A fetid corpse. Before that though, there might be a nuzzle, a purr...a dead eyed stare. Loving doe-eyed love whose breath smells like shit.

Underage pet porn.

      I am the last person to be fuming over pets, however. I have grown up with pets and have a few now. I understand why people like them. They can make us feel safe, loved and important. They need us...or so it would seem. I suppose the truth of the matter will remain hidden...until a superior alien race descends from the sky and takes our precious Earth away from us. On that day...our pets will turn from us, in an overly smug, self righteous way and skulk to it's newly arrived host. Will the same trick work on them? Probably. There's a reason puppies and kittens are cute. Who could say no to a puppy? The bastards.

Wewcome awien ivadoos!

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