Monday, May 21, 2012

A Confrontation On Sean Connery's Front Lawn: Part Two


A Confrontation On Sean Connery's Front Lawn: Part Two

    Sean Connery tosses his shot gun on the grass beside him. "Yeh both look like yer able. What say mister Connery just beats yeh fookin senseless with a bit of brute Scottish force, eh?" The two young men both look at Sean Connery with a mixture of fear, dismay and confusion. Their mouths hang open at the sight of Sean Connery rolling up the sleeves of his plaid flannel shirt. "I'll give yeh two seconds to decide whether you're gonna leave with your all yer blood or if you're gonna leave a lettle here."

Listen. I hear an ass-whoopin' comin' yer way.

      The ulitmatum still hangs in the air as the two purile men speak to each other in hushed tones, the passenger asks the driver in a frightened tone,"What the fuck is this, man?" "Looks like he's gonna whoop our ass, bro."

"My ass? Why my ass?"

 "You first, homie...I've got my mom's camcorder and it's NOT getting smashed by an angry Scotsman.." the driver replies. "What the fuck?!", says the passenger to his counterpart's remark.

    "Time's up, lads!" That being said, Sean Connery grabs the passengers arm and delivers a blow to his rib cage. "HOLY SHIT!!!" the passenger yelps in pain.

 "I'm recording, fool! Suck it up you're getting your ass kicked by a knight!" the driver exclaims. Sean Connery bends down and grins at his opponent, who's now gasping for air on the ground, "Well, will yeh look at seems like yer mother had two pussies, one's between her legs and the other's here on my lawn."

Weakness: It's the Scottish "laughing gas".

"Fuck you, Connery!", the passenger angrily retorts while leaping to his feet.

"Well, now, it's about time, I was gonna ask yeh fer a wish, thought fer a second you were a fairy." Sean Connery counters.

    The, twenty something passenger, swings a fist high at Connery hoping to connect with his jaw, but, to no avail. His blow is deftly blocked by Sir Connery. They start to circle each other. Connery delivers a few minor blows to the boy's chest and stomach, some of which connect yet, his opponent remains standing. The passenger often swings desperately but, his blows never find purchase.

"Yeh gonna fight or is the shyt in your diapers slowing yeh down?" Connery taunts.

"I'm gonna eat you alive, dick!" the passenger snaps back, then, he moves in quickly and lands a blow to Connery's chin which causes blood to trickle from the corner of his mouth. Sean Connery pauses a second to wipe his mouth, "Now...that tastes like the shtart of eh fight--.".

       Sir Sean swiftly moves in launching his knee into the man's unprotected groin. It causes the passenger to double over and fall to his knees. Connery instantly clutches the young passenger's hair and whips his head back, "--and THIS, boyo,  is what the END of a fight tastes like.", a deluge of punches from Connery's free hand pummel the young man's face until he's unconscious. Only then, is he allowed to fall to the ground, vanquished by Sir Sean Connery.

Sean Connery, pausing to reflect on how much ass he has kicked.

    The driver who has been a spectator to the entire ordeal lowers his camera. "That. Was. fucking AWESOME!", he exclaims aloud. Sean Connery turns to the would be documentarian and moves toward him...fists clenched. Seeing this, the driver quickly utters,"Whoa, I just wanted an autograph!"

"Is that all?", Sean Connery's fists unclench and he takes on a pleasant demeanor, "Whawt am I shigning, lad?"

"Uh...", the driver says, while he walks over to his blood spattered friend. He pulls a blood smeared eight by ten picture of Connery from under his friends battered body and hands it to Sean Connery. "And eh, who is it to, lad?" Sir Connery asks. "Oh, me, I mean, uh...Mark and...uh...Tre', yeah that would be sooo wicked!"

    Sean Connery signs the picture hands it to Mark and begins to walk toward his mansion, as he steps over the ruined young man, we now know as Tre' he stops. Tre' who has begun to awaken and is moaning in pain and confusion.

"Tre'? Hello, there?, Tre'?" Sean Connery leans down and says to the battered twenty something year old passenger. "Huh?" Tre' answers still dazed. "Tre', could you get the fuck off my lawn please?" Connery inquires in a markedly congenial voice.

Fuhken' kids.



  1. Great story, it was totally not how I expected it to end, which is good. My only criticism is that no one slept with his wife, but it was still great.

    1. I think that Sir Sean probably nailed her later that day...and into the night. For some reason, I imagine Connery having great staying power.

  2. Whoa, Connery is indeed a badass, slightly unhinged and a tad unbalanced but a badass all the same.

    And the captions underneath the pictures, were just as funny as the rest of the post. Enjoyed this story immensely!

    1. Thank you, thank you, lovely. I appreciate it. You can't write anything about Sir Connery without putting something unbalanced in it. He's kinda nuts.

  3. Of course Connery wins. He's had years of woman beating to hone his fighting skills (seriously, do a search of "Sean Connery women slapping and you'll get a grotesque number of search responses).

    1. Oh, I know about the woman slapping thing, believe me, I don't agree with that at all. I have to temper it with the fact that, he's from a less, socially dynamic and tolerant time and I highly doubt he hauls off on every woman he's seen or been with. Otherwise, he'd have been drummed out of showbiz a long time ago...ala Mel Gibson.


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