Tuesday, May 15, 2012

A Confrontation On Sean Connery's Front Lawn: Part One


    Picture if you will: a sprawling front lawn, nurtured, cared and tended by countless, expensive illegal Mexican/Korean gardeners. It is domestic turf in it's most pristine form. The sun blazes in the sky above. Birds call to each other from the well kept limbs of numerous trees chattering about the poorer birds in less refined neighborhoods. Nestled upon the immaculate lawn, a house dominates the landscape. It is an awe inspiring beauty in architectual form. The kind of house old homeless men jockey to die in front of in a last ditch attempt to feel important. A homely, out of place car approaches and parks across from the house. It harbors two young fellows. Both innocent, bright eyed and star struck.

Our story begins here...

"This is it, man, holy shit this is it!", says the passenger as the driver shifts into "park".

The Driver is terribly excited, "No fucking way, dude, no fucking way...I'll get the camera...you got the picture?"

"Fuckin' A right!" replies the passenger to the driver.

      They both exit the vehicle and make their way across the vast lawn. "What are you gonna say, man?", the driver asks while preparing the camcorder. "I'm gonna be like, um Mister...I mean, SHIT! I mean, Sir, Sir Sean Connery...holy shit, man WE'RE GONNA MEET DOUBLE "O" FUCKIN' SEVEN, MAN!!!".

I'm pimp, therefore I am.

The driver gives the passenger a high five as they continue across the lawn. 

      "Seriously, dude, you can't be like...yo, Bond, sign my shit...that's SUCH a dick move, bro." the driver advises. "I'm not some kinda asshole, man. I'm gonna be polite and shit, you got the cam ready?" the passenger assertively asks. "Of course, bitch, relax...you need to fucking practice, man, this is "Double Oh" we're talking about, don't fuck around."

The passenger clears his throat and begins to practice his introductory speech, "Alright, alright...Um...Mister...SIR Sean Connery, I'm a huge fan and I was wondering--


Of course, this was not his intended end to his question...

      You see, at the moment he was practicing his delivery...a stealthy Sean Connery, had come from behind one of the many trees, that up until now seemed randomly placed, but, are now observed to be strategically located on his lawn. Clutched in his hand, a pump action, double barrel ten gauge shot gun that with one swift maneuver was pumped and ready.

Pictured: The business end.

      "Whet thu fuck are yeh doing on mei fuckin lawn, fuhkers?!" Sean Connery exclaimed in thick Scottish drawled fury. Staring into the barrels of Sir Sean Connery's "boom stick", the Driver and Passenger are momentarily stunned into heart stopping silence. 

There was Sean Connery, brow furrowed eyeing them down the barrels of a gun, ready and willing to end their young lives. 

"Uh, holy shit, holy shit...I think I fucking pissed myself, bro." the driver mumbles in fear to his passenger counterpart. "Stay cool, man, stay cool." the passenger replies with a facade of courage with hints of terror trembling his words. 

      "I'm gonna say thus one more time, boys, then somebody's gawt teh die, WHAT THU FUCK ARE YEH DOIN ON MEH FUCKIN LAWN?!" Sean Connery repeats with bold conviction. The passenger replies, with a quivering voice, "Suh, suh, Sir Cah, Connery Sean, we're huge, oh fuck, oh fuck, I mean, we just, we just, I have..."

Connery interjects, "We just what, boy? We just want to break into ol' man Connery's house and fuhk hez wife, eh?". 

      Both the driver and passenger eyes widen with surprise and confusion. The young driver desperately tries for a meek rebuttal,"Sir, NO SIR, no, no, no we would never...". Sean Connery interrupts, "So, she ain't pretty enough for yeh, Is that it?" The passenger blusters a fumbled reply, "No, no, no we didn't, I mean, I'd, I mean, we'd certainly, that is to say, I'm sure she's...not that I'd but...". 

Almost just like this...but, more Scottish.

"Well, now...it seems we have ourselves a problem then, heh? Sean Connery's good enough to rob but, his wife isn't good enough fuck. Is that et?

The Driver tries to clamor out an explanation, "Suh, suh Sir Sean, NO, no, we don't, I'm not, WE'RE not here for, er no, I mean, to--".

"How about this, boys...how's about ol' Seany whoops your ass for yeh, huh?"



  1. I have a similar story about a run in with George Lazenby. Although mine ended much quicker.
    There's an interview where Connery talks about his predilection for domestic violence. So, it's not surprising at all that he would overreact to lawn intruders. Looking forward to the end game of this tale.

    1. George Lazenby, the forgotten Bond. I wonder what George Lazenby would do with an autograph seeker, other than laugh uncontrollably and assume it's a practical joke. lol

  2. I reckon Sean will make these men sleep with his wife, while he watches from the cupboard with his shotgun drawn.

    1. While video taping. Never without video taping.

  3. Oh I bloody hate cliffhangers! I was just getting into this.

    And why does Mr Connery seem intent on getting them to sleep with his missus? Is that so that he doesn't have to??

    Marvelous stuff. I cannot wait for the concluding part.

    1. Me either! Oh wait...I wrote it. I'll get right on it, Lily.

  4. Sean Connery is surely make this 'The Last Crusade' for these gentlemen. It almost appears as if he's not 'Playing by Heart' in this situation. I don't know if it would be a 'Just Cause,' to shoot these boys in the light of the 'Rising Sun.' But, Sean always stands by his belief that 'Wrong is Right.'

    1. I was thinking more along the lines of him "Entrapment"...ing them with his acute ability of "Finding Forrest"...ry...and...bonding them? Something with Bond in it. I'm not good at this.

  5. Holy shit, my first time here and I almost pissed my pants. You rock! I am obviously following..Have an awesome weekend...

    1. YOU TOO! Well, I am. Kinda. I drank a "40" yesterday...still kind of winded. I think I smell funny too. Where am I? Oh yeah...THE BEST WEEKEND EVER, that's where!


Comment. Lest your fear consume you, cry baby.