[BASED ON TRUE EVENTS]
Picture if you will: a sprawling front lawn, nurtured, cared and tended by countless, expensive illegal Mexican/Korean gardeners. It is domestic turf in it's most pristine form. The sun blazes in the sky above. Birds call to each other from the well kept limbs of numerous trees chattering about the poorer birds in less refined neighborhoods. Nestled upon the immaculate lawn, a house dominates the landscape. It is an awe inspiring beauty in architectual form. The kind of house old homeless men jockey to die in front of in a last ditch attempt to feel important. A homely, out of place car approaches and parks across from the house. It harbors two young fellows. Both innocent, bright eyed and star struck.
Our story begins here...
The Driver is terribly excited, "No fucking way, dude, no fucking way...I'll get the camera...you got the picture?"
"Fuckin' A right!" replies the passenger to the driver.
They both exit the vehicle and make their way across the vast lawn. "What are you gonna say, man?", the driver asks while preparing the camcorder. "I'm gonna be like, um Mister...I mean, SHIT! I mean, Sir, Sir Sean Connery...holy shit, man WE'RE GONNA MEET DOUBLE "O" FUCKIN' SEVEN, MAN!!!".
I'm pimp, therefore I am.
The driver gives the passenger a high five as they continue across the lawn.
"Seriously, dude, you can't be like...yo, Bond, sign my shit...that's SUCH a dick move, bro." the driver advises. "I'm not some kinda asshole, man. I'm gonna be polite and shit, you got the cam ready?" the passenger assertively asks. "Of course, bitch, relax...you need to fucking practice, man, this is "Double Oh" we're talking about, don't fuck around."
The passenger clears his throat and begins to practice his introductory speech, "Alright, alright...Um...Mister...SIR Sean Connery, I'm a huge fan and I was wondering--
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A SHOT GUN?!"
Of course, this was not his intended end to his question...
You see, at the moment he was practicing his delivery...a stealthy Sean Connery, had come from behind one of the many trees, that up until now seemed randomly placed, but, are now observed to be strategically located on his lawn. Clutched in his hand, a pump action, double barrel ten gauge shot gun that with one swift maneuver was pumped and ready.
Pictured: The business end.
"Whet thu fuck are yeh doing on mei fuckin lawn, fuhkers?!" Sean Connery exclaimed in thick Scottish drawled fury. Staring into the barrels of Sir Sean Connery's "boom stick", the Driver and Passenger are momentarily stunned into heart stopping silence.
There was Sean Connery, brow furrowed eyeing them down the barrels of a gun, ready and willing to end their young lives.
"Uh, holy shit, holy shit...I think I fucking pissed myself, bro." the driver mumbles in fear to his passenger counterpart. "Stay cool, man, stay cool." the passenger replies with a facade of courage with hints of terror trembling his words.
"I'm gonna say thus one more time, boys, then somebody's gawt teh die, WHAT THU FUCK ARE YEH DOIN ON MEH FUCKIN LAWN?!" Sean Connery repeats with bold conviction. The passenger replies, with a quivering voice, "Suh, suh, Sir Cah, Connery Sean, we're huge, oh fuck, oh fuck, I mean, we just, we just, I have..."
Connery interjects, "We just what, boy? We just want to break into ol' man Connery's house and fuhk hez wife, eh?".
Both the driver and passenger eyes widen with surprise and confusion. The young driver desperately tries for a meek rebuttal,"Sir, NO SIR, no, no, no we would never...". Sean Connery interrupts, "So, she ain't pretty enough for yeh, Is that it?" The passenger blusters a fumbled reply, "No, no, no we didn't, I mean, I'd, I mean, we'd certainly, that is to say, I'm sure she's...not that I'd but...".
Almost just like this...but, more Scottish.
"Well, now...it seems we have ourselves a problem then, heh? Sean Connery's good enough to rob but, his wife isn't good enough fuck. Is that et?
The Driver tries to clamor out an explanation, "Suh, suh Sir Sean, NO, no, we don't, I'm not, WE'RE not here for, er no, I mean, to--".
"How about this, boys...how's about ol' Seany whoops your ass for yeh, huh?"
{TO BE CONTINUED}
