Saturday, May 12, 2012

Please Do Something About The Doom Family

Dear sir/madam,

I have written to you several times in the past regarding my neighbours living at number 26, but I have yet to hear a response. I am sending you yet another letter in the hope that you will break away from your tax-funded cream teas, and finally take action against the Doom family and their unsociable behaviour.

Despite finding your council to be as affective as a porcupine's prophylactic, I still hold a belief that, if presented with enough evidence, you will consider moving these unscrupulous individuals into some other hell hole. I have been keeping meticulous records of disturbances emanating from their property. Please find below a list of events that have occurred in the short space of time since I sent my last letter:

  • 2nd May - 8.44PM: Deafening noises begin in Mr Doom's garage, and continue for at least the next two hours. Under careful observation, I detected copious amounts of radioactive material being transported into the premises by Mr Doom's eldest son. At around 10:31PM, black smog begins to billow from underneath the garage door. The next morning, my prize winning sunflowers along the border of their property have begun to shine in an unearthly manner, and also appear to whisper death threats as I pass by.
  • 3rd May - 08:15AM: A gigantic satellite dish is positioned on the roof of their house which seems to be beaming information into the cosmos, casting a huge shadow across my vegetable patch. As this is putting my cabbages at risk, I demand that you force them to remove the offending item.
  • 5th May - 07:12PM: After investigating a curious tapping noise on my roof, I find Mr Doom laying telephone cable that was connected to my house back onto his own property. After confronting him and informing him that I needed to make some important complaints by telephone the next morning, he pulled out a firearm which bathed me in a mysterious green light. I awoke the next morning stripped naked on the lawn, being licked in sensitive areas by a friendly squirrel.
  • 6th May - 08:35AM: The very same squirrel is posted through my letterbox, minus head and skin. I assume this as a threat. From now on I shall not be confronting Mr Doom directly, and demand the local authorities take immediate action to guarantee the safety of the neighbourhood.
  • 10th May - 09:10PM: Mr and Mrs Doom are spotted having a romantic evening by flying around the estate with jetpacks on. Bobbing around my upstairs window in the pale moonlight is an invasion of my privacy, but the situation became more disturbing when they decided to make love in my apple tree.
  • 11th May - 03:03AM: A vortex is opened above Mr Doom's house, releasing hells fiendish minions across suburbia. The process sets off several car alarms, which I'm sure would have woken the children of the neighbourhood.
  • 12th May - 07:30PM: A vast array of doomsday vehicles including mole cars, Apache helicopters, and teleportation devices park illegally all over the street, blocking off driveways and dropped curbs. It appears that Mr Doom is hosting some sort of dinner party for evil geniuses and his driveway is filled with hideous gargantuan henchmen. As I was supposed to be hosting an annual general meeting of the curtain-twitching society that evening, many people failed to find appropriate parking and had to leave.
  • 13th May - 09:41AM: After checking the asphalt on my driveway, I discover a large, simmering hole. Since I witnessed several disturbances the night before as a postal worker was seen fleeing from the property under a heavy amount of artillery, I can only assume that Mr Doom's plasma turrets had misfired and ruined my crazy paving.
As I'm sure you'll agree, Mr Doom's behaviour is hardly conducive to a harmonious neighbourhood, and I demand that the council relocates his family as soon as possible. My property value plummets daily with the constant tremors caused by his incessant burrowing into the Earth's crust, and his curious habit of harvesting the power of molten lava. This used to be such a wonderful area, with only a couple of stabbings every few months. Nowadays, I dare not venture beyond my own boundaries lest I be melted by a heat ray, or sexually assaulted by a lumbering genetic hybrid henchman.

(Thanks for reading.  For more, please visit Muppets For Justice)


  1. Radioactive materials I can deal with. A gigantic satellite dish which beams information into the cosmos, no problem. Doomsday vehicles including mole cars, Apache helicopters, and teleportation devices and a driveway filled with hideous gargantuan henchmen, piece of piss.

    But , releasing hells fiendish minions across suburbia, thereby setting off several car alarms? Hell No! After enduring a hard day of trying to avoid being murdered by my womb fruit, the only sanctuary I have is a good night's sleep.

    This is not acceptable at all! Hope this problem gets sorted soon, before your sunflowers carry out their threats.

    1. It might help if you were to have a word, Lily. I understand that you're not the sort to be trifled with, as the man who tried to steal your debit card found out.

  2. I didnt know what you were complaining about until it went from May to February! My god - either you can time travel or you were abducted by aliens and returned 10 months later to finish your letter - my money is on the alien abduction, their a bunch of pranksters!

    1. Err, yeah, aliens...I've gone back and fixed that now, thanks.

  3. oops -they're a bunch of pranksters...they made me do that!

    1. I hate when that, whatever it is that happened...happens. It puts a terrible damper on all things worth doing.

  4. Addman, my friend, you are a genius. My favorite part..."curious habit of harvesting the power of molten lava...". I almost...ALMOST tinkled in my trousers and spit cold coffee all over my inexpensive monitor.


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