Monday, June 18, 2012

4 Reasons I Hate My First Day of Work

      The first day of any job is a horrible fucking experience. You don't know anybody. Everyone knows more than you, which makes you feel like a mental patient who went to long without oxygen. On top of that they treat you like a brain damaged chimp with a heaping side of empathy.

It's even worse when the job doesn't require things like; intelligence, creativity or the ability to tie your shoes without looking.

#4 The Lack of History

I'm sorry, am I supposed to give a shit about you?

      There are tons of work place nuance that goes unspoken at every job. A lot of that is the relationships co-workers have with each other. These build up over months and years. Being new, you're jumping into that fray of all that bullshit. It can be a stressful and strange experience. Being new, means you don't know dick about anyone. This makes for an awkward first day at times.

      Over the years, I've had many awkward first days. The worst being the time I tried to comfort a sad woman on my first day. I innocently said, "Aww, what's wrong? You look like your dog just died!", her reply, a deluge of tears and uncontrolled sobbing. Another co-worker seeing the "What the fuck is with this chick?" look on my face told me her story. Her dog had indeed died, after being smothered by her mother, who had a heart the bed side of her ailing cancerous aunt...who also died. Guess who the asshole was for four years? I tell you, no amount of homemade chili for office pot lucks can counter unknowingly down playing a dog's death via Mom's heart attack with a side of Aunt cancer. Believe me...I tried. People can be brutal...what a bitch.

#3 The First Impressions

Hi, bitch! I'm a dick.

First impressions are a two-way street. Unfortunately, both directions lead to directly to assholes. When you meet someone for the first time, especially in the work place, certain judgements are made. It can't be helped. If the person is well dressed, he's obviously a snobby prick who pays for vagina (or dick). Maybe, the person shakes hands too vigorously, well then, she's an over exuberant prick...with a compulsive masturbation problem. Snap judgements rule the day!

My first day working for a dietary supplement company was

#4 You're a nuisance

Greeaaat, another question about where shit is...nice.

      This is where that brain damaged monkey shit kicks in. It sucks dick not knowing where the bathroom is. Multiply that by your entire work place environment and it gets old fast. Constantly asking people for shit, or where shit is or where you take shit...or where you physically take a shit leaves you Thought I was going with shit didn't you? Well, fooled you.

      The best solution I have found to alleviate this problem is to scan and record your environment during the walk through/tour/introduction portion of your first day. Seeking out what looks like important areas, like you're a fucking terminator will help cut your inquiry load to, hopefully, a minimum. Just don't look like you're concentrating. You know...all furrowed browed and want not. People will think you're either blind...or trying to memorize their faces for a future killing spree. That's not the best foot to start off with at a job.

#2 At Least One Person Thinks You're
An idiot. guys don't have pantsless Wednesdays?

      Statistically speaking, at least one person you meet on your first day, is an idiot. Those statistics are a well guarded secret, of course, because this is the internet and the word "statistically" means "true". That's all you need to know really.

      Statistical truth aside, one person on your first day, thinks you're a -moron. It's not their fault. You're new and chances are you aren't as cool as the last guy that left. There has to be something wrong with you, right? They don't know you yet, so, perhaps, off the cuff, you are an idiot. The sad thing is, you are an idiot until proven otherwise.

      Can you combat this phenomenon? It's doubtful. I'm sure there's a study out there confirming why, but, honestly, I just know the end result. Someone thinks you're stupid...who it is...who knows. Just know they do.

#1 It's the only day you'll half assed enjoy.

One's the rifle for all of you. 

      Before the long days and dumb ass drama of the work place drown you in a sullen state of despair, soul crushing weight gain and suicidal depression, the first day is a gift. It's the one day before the job you're starting strips you of your identity and crams you in the meat grinder of corporate profit gain. Live it up! Much like virginity or the first time you get black out drunk and have intercourse with a senior citizen, you only get one first one.

      The rest turn out to just get worse and more decrepit than the last. Make the most of it. Tell everyone that you were a secret agent for the sexual dynamo division of the N.S.A. or some other slightly exaggerated claim, chances are they think you're a jerk anyway. You ought to have some fun with the people you'll probably want dead in a few weeks anyway.


  1. Lol! When I read the first paragraph I thought you were going to mention that everyone in the work place automatically assumes you are an idiot, talks to you slowly and feels the are morally obligated to talk you through how to use a stapler, and then watch you do it a couple of times to make sure you are coping. I have only ever had 2 permanent jobs and the rest I have gone into as a temp! Am I crazy, maybe, but does it mean I know that I have an escape plan, yes, yes it does :). Great post!

  2. Agreed. I hate asking people so many questions such as "What's your name?", "Sorry, what's your name again?" and the classic "Who are you?"

    1. Exactly. It's like an inquisition! I prefer to learn someone's name second hand. Preferably through their parole officer.

  3. I hate that your employees don't answer the question that's on everyone's mind the first day: "Just how much can I get away with at this place?"

    And, the guy I replaced got caught masturbating at his desk. How in hell am I going to out do that guy?!

    1. Easy. Masturbate at someone else's desk.

  4. On my last job there were 2 English speaking, the rest were Spanish. I didn't understand them and chose to take breaks outside. A few weeks later was called to a meeting accused of being "racist" I have no idea I always said Hello to them, just chose to take breaks outside. They said it was because I took my breaks outside(?) IDK Very confusing.

    1. That is indeed confusing. You might have argued that the "fresh air" was racist, because it chose to stay outside and not inside with the other people. It might have set a precedent of some sort.


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