Wednesday, June 6, 2012

4 Reasons Indiana Jones Is An Asshole

      Indiana Jones, whip lashing archaeological bad ass, is a cinema icon. He turned an entire generation on to bull whips as a means of travel and using handguns and fists to solve all arguments. He's also the leading cause of fedora related ass kicking since the mid-80's.

      You'd think this role model to millions would be perfect for a kid's aspirations. Indiana Jones's is a doctor, teacher and explorer who is in a constant state of adventure and is a legendary Nazi killer. What's not to like about the guy? Well, actually,...a lot of things. Like...

# 4. He's Just In It To Steal Shit

Fuck I love raping history!

      Archaeology has always been a questionable enterprise. Largely, because people don't like strangers rooting through their dead relative's shit and taking it. 

      Indiana could give a fuck, if he hadn't already gave it your grandma. He's not in it for "history" or "study", he's in it for the thrill of straight up jacking shit and the glory that comes with it. What? No? Oh, stop jumping to his whip lashing aid. Think about it, in all of those movies, did he ever once reach into his satchel, fish out some scientific devices and delicately clean an artifact? No. Did he have an army of interns helping him to do field research or work to earn school credits? Maybe, study the firing mechanisms that are thousands of years old, yet are still able to kill people? No. Hell, do anything in an effort to preserve historical accuracy and integrity? A resounding...shit, no. 

You could argue that Indiana's style of archaeology was of a different time. Everybody played fast and loose back then! Look at the  and flappers for God's sake. Flappers! Sure, sure, but, they still had laws governing archaeological research. In some countries, digging up graves and stealing their trinkets is punishable by death...or at least a good castrating. So, Indiana claiming "Me not know laws." wouldn't fly, given that he has a doctorate in archaeology and all. Which, is probably why he only explored all those sites with other thieves, like Doctor Octopus.

Not pictured: an intern nor various tentacles

      Students might actually have called him on the whole "bashing another culture's ruins to extract gold and run away" bit. What's more, there's proof he knew better! When he checks out the the stone shield in Walter Donavan's office, he's all business, all gentle rice paper chalk rubbing and analysis. A couple of scenes later, he's busting holes in medieval church/library floors to the beat of the librarian's stamp. He even looks like a kid with a new boner when he's checking out the shield! He could just have easily have gone outside to the man hole, after realizing what he was looking for was under the floor. Perhaps he could have went sewer romping for the sake of historical preservation but, noooo.

#3 He isn't a good teacher

"...and when the child won't give you the 
Ruby Necklace of Scolhara, you choke him until the life...
wheezes out of his tiny this. 
Class dismissed."

      College sucks, that's a given. If it weren't for the sexual promiscuity and booze fueled social calender, it would be as empty as a NAMBLA slumber party. Being that as it may, college kids still spend their parents hard earned money to go there and "learn". The college where Indiana Jones teaches is no different. 

      So, how would you feel if the star professor of your school (He must be. Being a whip wielding archaeologist and such, Marshall College I imagine, is short on star profs) was gone all the time, for months on end? It would be like your parents paying for you to go and study with Einstein, only he's gone 90% of the time doing blow with Sigmund Freud. Your parents, in all their suffering, making wooden dildos for pennies a day to send you to college, just so this ass hole can go gallivanting around the globe and still get paid to teach! What the fuck? Oh, and when he is at school, that 10%, he doesn't want to hear about your shit. He's too busy ducking out of windows and dicking off for that. 

#2 He Works With The Mafia

East side, bitches!

      Much like the seedy worlds of day care centers, libraries and Xbox 360 Lego Indiana Jones 2 The Adventure Continues, archaeology isn't exciting.There's a lot of researching, analysis and wondering if you should have devoted your life to a well rounded porno collection, instead of digging up old shit. Very little can be done to liven it up, unless you tack on a little grave robbing/looting to your scientific endeavors. Then, you can involve the mafia in your dealings. That's when the party starts! At least that's the way Indy does it. How else would nefarious, gun clutching, evil, bad asses even know who the fuck Indiana Jones is? Because they hire him to "acquire" things.

      Remember that infamous scene at the beginning of Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom, when Indiana is at a night club swapping artifacts with an Asian crime lord? Turns out he was hired by that guy to find ashes of a Manchu dynasty emperor. He was swapping those ashes for the "Eye of The Peacock", which is officially, the shittiest name for a big ass diamond. Good ol' Indy, working with murderous assholes for the sake of bling. Oh yeah, speaking of those murderous assholes...

#1 Indy Exposes Kids To International Criminals

Hi! I'm an impressionable minor being used as a human shield!

      Let's get beyond the fact that kids are practically bullet magnets. They're slow, not quick on their feet and scream incessantly around loud noises, they aren't the best thing to bring to a gun fight. Indiana seems to think otherwise, for he is constantly bringing little Short Round into the fray. He even taught the little fucker to be his wheel man for when shit goes down! That's "get-a-way driver" for you layman, non-criminal types.

      Teaching a kid to drive and duck gun fire is one thing, leaving him to be hunted by the mob is another. Indiana Jones, in his exploits in and around the Chinese mob scene, surely, though inadvertently exposed Short Round to a decent portion of the criminal underworld. No, not in a pedophile way...sicko, in a "Hey, that kid hangs out with that Indiana Jones fuck!" kind of way.

      According to this, Dr. Jones takes Short Round with him to the U.S. after all the shit he has put him through. He even puts him in boarding school. That's fantastic, but, what that doesn't help is the fact that this kid is now known to the mob as Indy's mini-Asian driver.

Can...uh...can I be saved by my Pinchers of Power?

      It's known that Indy has a love, mostly hate relationship with evil doers. He's fucked over his fair share I'd imagine. Fedora wearing klepto archaeologist's tend to do that. Where do the villains go when they're looking for some payback? I'm willing to guess "Indiana Jones" doesn't pop up in too many phone books. So, how do they track down the globe trotting bastard? Put the thumbscrews to his buddies to cough up the good doctor's whereabouts, of course. Who better to torture than his orphaned Asian child friend with an annoying voice and awesome driving skills? 

   In all of that running to and fro with Short Round in tow, Indy never considers the fact that the kid is now readily identifiable to the hit squad they're both running from. Ah, but, then again, Indiana's got bigger things to contend with, like, Fedora purchases, whip polishing and how much sand the next idol will weigh. Can you blame the guy?


  1. Christ, sounds like Indie is almost as much of a bastard as the real life Harrison Ford. I wonder if there's a connection between the two...

    1. I think you may be right. I'm assembling a crack team of specialists to suss out the details. It would appear that space travel might also be involved, mostly involving a smuggler, his giant sheep dog and wars with stars. More details to follow.

  2. And he's a shitty boyfriend. And he's completely inconsequential to the plot of Raiders of the Lost Ark. His whole reason for existence was to stop the Nazi's from getting the ark, but they do anyway and end up killing themselves. He didn't do anything except close his eyes and take a nap while Nazis melted.

    1. I was going to include the bit about his women, but, I thought it might be pushing it. I mean, a lot of guys back then had girlfriends in foreign lands. I think for a while, it was a rite of passage to have a bastard child born at a distance of at least 4,000 miles from the father of origin.

      As far as Raiders of the Lost Ark, I think you're absolutely right. He wasn't really relevant to the plot, really was he. That's weird.

  3. God forbid any of his students require extra help. While he's off neglecting his duties as a professor and releasing harmful pollutants into the atmosphere, these poor students are subjecting themselves to illegal underground history syndicates to get a passing grade. What a dick!

    1. Exactly. If it weren't for the fact that his father is 007. He'd have almost no redeeming qualities.


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