Friday, September 28, 2012

The World's Strongest Man Competition

      Being a non-athlete is veritable cornucopia of non-sex, non-popularity and non-cool. Well, not all non-cool, you do play a lot of video games...that look cool. So, there's that. Actually, shirking athleticism and it's clingy clothed sexiness has gotten me little more than 6 NFL Super Bowl wins and 4 NBA Championship rings, all of which are fake...and therefore very, very sad. I just have no ambition to be more athletic, then, maybe I can shed this fat, shoddy non-awesome exterior and exchange for one I always wanted--a muscular douche' bag.

Then, I can pull off the famed "sailor hatted douche' bag" look. 
A man can dream, can't he?

      Sure, there are countless sweaty fat people shows about losing weight, yet, they don't inspire me to do anything. I often watch those shows while eating Doritos, a big damned bag of them, no joke. I do the exact opposite of what the show intends, not out of spite, surprisingly. I just really, really like Doritos.

      So, what would inspire me, lazy piece of shit to get ripped? If the Olympics, effeminate gay trainers on fat shows and the scorn of skinny people won't do it, what will? Maybe a competition of such epic proportions, it might convince people to throw full beer kegs at each other while simultaneously pulling air planes across tarmacs. Seriously. It's entirely possible with...

The World's Strongest Man Competition!

Notice I didn't say "World's Best Graphic Designers"

      Anyone that has ever seen one of these competitions has always walked away with a sense of both awe...and disgusted shame. How else would seeing a man dead lift eight tractor tires make you feel? Well, I suppose it could ravage your weak, pitiful soul with fiery guilt and self loathing for not being worthy, but, I think that might be an understatement, oh...and it should absolutely make you feel that way.

Every inch he lifts that car should make you want to die a little more.

      How would lifting an pulling random objects of testicle bursting heaviness inspire anyone to get fit, Elton? I trump your ill conceived argument with stinging and obvious fact...because it's awesome, awesome, forearm bulgingly awesome. 

      Sure, some morbidly obese guy losing weight is great. I'm not without a soul. I can feel...sort of. When the fat guy says he eats his pain, I can sympathize with him, because swallowing pain sounds fucking bad ass, but, still, his story just makes for interesting viewing, while I devour a Big Mac. 

No, I said BIG mac...dammit not...child mac. 

      The World's Strongest Man Competition is different, it inspires for the opposite reason. While the sad fat guy loses weight and gets stronger...these grotesquely bulbous men LIFT weight and already strong, which makes you feel sad. 

      Both types started out normal people but, went in radically different directions. One got fat, suicidal and morose, the other guys started throwing extremely heavy shit...a lot. Inspiring as a suicidal binge eater might be, I think people would find the guy tossing around three hundred pound sacks of gravel to be a bit more motivational. Plus, as a bonus, you don't even have to get overly fit. Seriously, look at these guys.

Someone's been working out.

      Two of those guys could pass for bouncers at an upscale brothel, the other guy looks like he stepped off the cover of one of those muscle magazines no one buys. The fact that two out of three of these guys looks like a  semi-tubby out of work contractor gives me hope. 

      I don't have to shoot for washboard abs. I just have to shoot for pulling a steam engine fifty feet or lifting a comically huge log! Then, boom, instantly healthy.  It sounds easy enough. All you have to do is find a train...OOOoooo how about a truck. There's tons of those laying around...and tons is what I'll need. See you on the other side of "Ball Punch Mountain", weaklings. If you make it over, I'll be the guy casually tossing cows...into the sun.

I think I'll pull this one with my huge penis.


  1. The best Strongman competition I remember seeing was the guys doing a dead lift of a cage filled with girls. Whoever could dead lift more girls was the winner. And now that you mention it, why are so many of them fat?

    1. I believe the flab is a physical manifestation of weakness that has been trapped between the man/wall of muscle/awesomeness and their bullet proof/leathery skin. They bulked up so became trapped...with no hope of escape.


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