Monday, October 22, 2012

2 Ways To Not Become A Millionaire Online

      Given that I am unemployed and extremely gullible, I have taken to the internet to turn my fortunes and make some quick cash. It's not a reliable source of income, I know, but, there appears to be some merit behind it...maybe. How can all those overnight internetting millionaires be wrong? So, in an effort to keep poverty,  homelessness and hunger at bay, I've decided to get rich quick by grazing on the fat-o-de internet land.

      Using various methods I've culled from advertisements I've seen onlines (i.e. pornographic websites), I've decided to share my adventurous clime to multi-gazillion dollar wealth, on the great ladder of the internet. It's not for your benefit, however, because, from what history has taught me, competition cuts into your profit margin. Especially if that competition is "competent" and "not stupid", which I'm willing to bet a good number of you are and I am not. So, I'm simply describing my methods to stroke my own infallible ego and to have a written documentation of my actions, should any legal questions or matters involving fraud arise later. 

SURVEYING CRAP!


Yes, that survey was very satisfying...orgasmically so.

      My journey toward Ferraris over flowing with dollar bills and tits has started rather slowly. Utilizing the little knowledge I have of...well, anything, I jumped into the fray of internet riches. My path, unknown, I went with what I knew...blindly clicking the first blinking thing that promised lots of money for little effort. It was an ad for taking surveys! You have all seen these things before, I'm sure. You take surveys for either free ridiculously expensive crap or money to buy the aforementioned expensive crap. Tossing caution into the hope of winning a Louis Vuitton hand bag, I dove straight into it. My first survey was for an electronics super store (it rhymes with "Best Buy") easy enough. I buy electronic things all the time, in fact...my computer is electronic! My new survey taking career was off to a blinding pace of...more surveys. Then, those surveys were followed by a slew of other surveys, but, for lesser asshole stores (they rhymed with Target).

      To tell you the truth, I don't know how anyone makes money doing this. It left me with a big pile of nothing; no iPads, no gift cards, no big screen t.v.'s. I did whatever they asked and got...NOTHING. However, I did end up with an ass load of magazine subscriptions and a lot of discount Viagra. So, I'll be reading and masturbating endlessly until doomsday. Almost a win.

ADVERTISING CRAP!!

It even has money, crapping out more money. 
How can you go wrong?

      This one made the most sense to me, as I write a blog. It works by posting ads on your website and hoping people click on them. It hasn't worked for this blog, but, it's not from lack of trying. Given the lame experience I've had with it, I debated on whether this was an actual way to get rich quickly online and not some way to bilk me out of time and money. Eventually, I came upon a solution. I started a dozen blogs, simultaneously and Adsensed the living shit out of them.

      The logic is sound, if you don't think about it too long or...sober. Using the profound deducting abilities afforded me by alcohol, I deduced that the best selling item on the entire internet is (drum roll)...sex. So, I instantly applied that to every one of my blogs. For once, my genitals were steering me in the right direction...and not into lawsuits. It turns out that Google and it's Adsense have a strict policy of not displaying wholesome, family friendly advertisements adjacent to tits and testicles. Who would have thought? So, due to Google being a prude, I failed...immensely. There's 5 months I'll never get back again. Though, if, in the far future, digital porno becomes a currency...you're looking at the richest man in the world!

      So, those are the only two methods I've tried so far. I've been at this for months and have yet to reap the whirlwind of cash that was promised me. It doesn't hurt to try, I suppose. Unless, I try selling organs online. Anyone need a kidney?

8 comments:

  1. I'll take a kidney. I'll also take a photo of your balls for blackmail purposes in case I need the other kidney.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sweet! Though, when it comes to kidneys it's a seller's market. You may be embroiled in a bidding war of some sort. The scrotum picture may go a long way in swaying the transaction in your favor. I'll let you know.

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  2. Do you have ovaries? I hear being a midwife for rich people who are barren pays pretty well, or giving your eggs is a good pay day too. Sperm doesn't pay shit, though, sorry. Apparently people give that away sometimes 4 times a day and into socks.
    To help your efforts, I shall click on not one, but two of the ads on your site.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I used to have ovaries, though, I seem to have misplaced them. I picked them up some time ago at a hobby shop. Looking back, it's kind of weird that I could purchase organs at a hobby shop, but, the shop keep seemed to know what he was doing and despite the crazed look in his eye, I still say he would have been a fine doctor or surgeon. Though, I don't know how many surgeons are guided by inner voices with foreign accents.

      Thanks for the ad clicking! You'll definitely be listed in my honorary doctoral speech, that they'll give me for earning a bazillion internet dollars.

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  3. Thanks a lot for this useful information. I appreciate everything you shared with us and definitely like your content strategy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're very welcome, though, I'm not sure what I shared that would be useful. Oh, wait...is this sarcasm?

      Delete
  4. Excelent blog post, don't lose your track u are almost there. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never lose my track. I have it firmly taped to my ass. Thank you.

      Delete

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