Monday, October 15, 2012

Reasons To Fear Republicans...AND Democrats.

      My love hate relationship with politics started at a young age. I remember being at a parade, having a bag of freshly made popcorn in one hand and my mother's hand in the other. Clowns were riding uni-cycles behind a local branch of the Ku Klux Klan (who were acting as a spacer for a militant fringe NAACP group. Black people hate clowns.) It was soon my favorite part of the parade...The Shriners. Who doesn't love fat old white men in ludicrously small vehicles? I know I don't.

Don't dwell on the awesome...just be humbled by it.

      Suddenly, while enjoying the calamity of out of shape, old people in miniature hot rods, a young man in a suit and tie walked by, close to us. He was stalking around with flyers and bumper stickers in his fist. He spotted my mother and I in the crowd. Muttering things about "big government" and prying guns "from his cold dead hands", he moved toward us. Before I could react he had wrapped a bumper sticker around my young forehead. I was shocked. 

      Then, came the scarring words, "Vote Republican, mother fucker!". Whipping down his pants he revealed boxers, spangled with the stars and stripes. He waggled his hidden junk at the crowd, "This package is for reserved for under paid house servants, over paid prostitutes and my uptight, prudish future wife!". He then moved his next victim. Astonished, I turned to my mother and with what limited vision the bumper sticker afforded me looked at her. She said to me, "Always vote Republican, honey...lest they find out, son...lest. they. find. out.". Those ominous words remained with me for a long time. That and the glue from the sticker. Some of which I still find in my hairline from time to time. I get chills...every time.
I do. God...I do. The bumper stickering mad men.

      You would think an ordeal like that would leave me a staunch, stalwart democrat and it did for a while. Though I couldn't vote, I would have chosen Democrat if I could. It might have remained that way forever, had not politics other demonic head not reared.

Yeah, Republicans aren't very creative when it comes to
 demonizing their opposition through art.

      It was during the summer of my sixteenth year. I was invited to a party that had a lot of older kids. It was a mix of twenty-somethings and college freshmen. Knowing almost no one, I kept to myself most of the night. Later, a girl, about 18, came up to me and invited me to the hot tub out back. I was nervous but, followed. We arrived and to my shock, it was a writhing mound of hot tubbed, sex crazed humanity.

      "What's going on here?", I asked. One guy, poked his head up above someone else's shoulder replied, "It's an orgy for peace! We're having this crowd sourced sex-o-thon to demonstrate the ultimate love a community can share and that morals and values are for dip shits!". 


      Another participant chimed in, this one female,"This poke and stroke group session is for a fun, sex filled future. We've chosen to sex it up in the tub, to save on the environmental costs of doing it in a bed. There's less mess and strain on mother nature, plus, any unwanted pregnancies that result because of this will be aborted and donated to stem cell research. Everyone wins! So, what do you say, are you in?"

     "Who are you insane people?", I inquired. "We're Democrats!", was the resounding reply. I was disgusted and as I disrobed, I knew that this horrible party wouldn't get my vote either. 

So, there you have it, the reasons both parties are abhorrent. I'd suggest not voting at all, but, it is our duty civic wise. Besides, they give you free crap. Who doesn't want free crap?


  1. I can see why you wouldn't want to vote Democrat after seeing that terrible, terrible event. Now I'm off to buy a hot tub and Vote Obama 2012 sign for my house.

    1. Now that I have a few years of wisdom between me and the horrifying sexiness of it all, I can say that perhaps candidates shouldn't be blamed for the insanity of their party members. It is with that in mind that I have taken in upon myself to unite the two parties...with an orgy/gun shooting/tree planting/oil drilling party. I feel it will be a great success.

  2. Yes. This is why I always vote for obscure third party candidates. It's not that I think they have any chance to win, or that they'd do a good job even if they did win... it's because they don't have the resources to annoy me so much.

    1. That, my friend, is worth the vote alone. I vote for off brand candidates that give out the most "high-fives" it's not view point or platform, I know. You'd be surprised how little the candidates do it, therefore, it makes it unique enough to work. Either that or whomever can juggle a chainsaw.


Comment. Lest your fear consume you, cry baby.