Reasons To Fear Republicans...AND Democrats.

      My love hate relationship with politics started at a young age. I remember being at a parade, having a bag of freshly made popcorn in one hand and my mother's hand in the other. Clowns were riding uni-cycles behind a local branch of the Ku Klux Klan (who were acting as a spacer for a militant fringe NAACP group. Black people hate clowns.) It was soon my favorite part of the parade...The Shriners. Who doesn't love fat old white men in ludicrously small vehicles? I know I don't.

Don't dwell on the awesome...just be humbled by it.

      Suddenly, while enjoying the calamity of out of shape, old people in miniature hot rods, a young man in a suit and tie walked by, close to us. He was stalking around with flyers and bumper stickers in his fist. He spotted my mother and I in the crowd. Muttering things about "big government" and prying guns "from his cold dead hands", he moved toward us. Before I could react he had wrapped a bumper sticker around my young forehead. I was shocked. 

      Then, came the scarring words, "Vote Republican, mother fucker!". Whipping down his pants he revealed boxers, spangled with the stars and stripes. He waggled his hidden junk at the crowd, "This package is for reserved for under paid house servants, over paid prostitutes and my uptight, prudish future wife!". He then moved on...to his next victim. Astonished, I turned to my mother and with what limited vision the bumper sticker afforded me looked at her. She said to me, "Always vote Republican, honey...lest they find out, son...lest. they. find. out.". Those ominous words remained with me for a long time. That and the glue from the sticker. Some of which I still find in my hairline from time to time. I get chills...every time.

I do. God...I do. The bumper stickering mad men.

      You would think an ordeal like that would leave me a staunch, stalwart democrat and it did for a while. Though I couldn't vote, I would have chosen Democrat if I could. It might have remained that way forever, had not politics other demonic head not reared.

Yeah, Republicans aren't very creative when it comes to

 demonizing their opposition through art.

      It was during the summer of my sixteenth year. I was invited to a party that had a lot of older kids. It was a mix of twenty-somethings and college freshmen. Knowing almost no one, I kept to myself most of the night. Later, a girl, about 18, came up to me and invited me to the hot tub out back. I was nervous but, followed. We arrived and to my shock, it was a writhing mound of hot tubbed, sex crazed humanity.

      "What's going on here?", I asked. One guy, poked his head up above someone else's shoulder replied, "It's an orgy for peace! We're having this crowd sourced sex-o-thon to demonstrate the ultimate love a community can share and that morals and values are for dip shits!". 

Ah...gross.

      Another participant chimed in, this one female,"This poke and stroke group session is for a fun, sex filled future. We've chosen to sex it up in the tub, to save on the environmental costs of doing it in a bed. There's less mess and strain on mother nature, plus, any unwanted pregnancies that result because of this will be aborted and donated to stem cell research. Everyone wins! So, what do you say, are you in?"

     "Who are you insane people?", I inquired. "We're Democrats!", was the resounding reply. I was disgusted and as I disrobed, I knew that this horrible party wouldn't get my vote either. 

So, there you have it, the reasons both parties are abhorrent. I'd suggest not voting at all, but, it is our duty civic wise. Besides, they give you free crap. Who doesn't want free crap?

Master Debaters: The 2012 Presidential Debates

      I apologize for missing a post on Friday. Due to some unforeseen circumstances involving procrastination, alcohol consumption and gangland style executions, I missed it and I'm sorry. Apologies aside, I'm cantankerously angry. Why? Mother fucking elections and their debates is why! And their ability to make me construct sentences poorly.

Angrier than an Asian with too much hair gel!

      Normally, I find politics and their inevitable pee pee measuring very entertaining. I pull up a warm bowl of Jello, wrap myself in a Snuggie and ride the hypocrisy of two or more political hacks til...I find a good movie on t.v. What can I say, I'm a softy for rich people promising stupid things then arguing about them and if it can preface a spaghetti western marathon, even better. Politics are like a slightly more entertaining version of golf...except the white men are in suits and the only white balls being used are old, shriveled and in those suits. 

Balls.

      So, when I heard a series of Presidential debates was going down, I was stoked. Stoked meaning, the DSL was down and it was too early for soft core porn on Cinemax. Little did I realize that what I would be watching, would make me cringe in a way I haven't done since male prostituting for octogenarian women.

If you got the money, honey, I've got the time.

      What the hell happened? The President looked like a kid forced to go to the reading of a will. He smiled and nodded when the adults talked to him but, otherwise, he'd rather be at home playing with himself. It's like he meant to give a shit but, left it in the car on the way in. 

      Though, I mean, if it's between a debate and....I mean, who wouldn't rather be home playing with themse...you know what, that's not the point. The point is, I expected two leaders in the field of bullshitting to face off in dignified and self effacing manner I have grown accustomed to and not this...NON-debation! I wanted a masterful debate! A debate with master debaters!

"What in the fucking fuck?!", she said masterfully.

      I wanted the political version of blood, but, what I got instead...was a shitty fake blood. Like the kind you get at a party supply store. You know, it doesn't look like real blood, it tastes like ass and all it does is stain clothes. What the hell is with that, right? Plus, there's never enough, it's such a small tube, so, you end up using most of it at beginning of the night then, because there's not enough, you end up a sad looking zombie/vampire, that seems to have eaten a strawberry short cake at some point and didn't wipe their mouth. THAT'S WHAT I GOT!

Mmmmmm....short cake!

      Oh, what makes it worse is that the debate could have been so much more, really it could. Mitt was lying in such a blatantly retarded manner it was practically a lesson on how to lose a national presidential debate. Did Barack pick up on that? Did he counter balance the sloppy bull shit with...less sloppy bullshit? No, he just kinda..."meh-ed" his way through it. Dammit! You don't "meh" a debate, you pounce! Verbally pounce! If...that is a thing. If not then, it should be and he should have done it. GAH! I'm so infuriated, I want to punch a lamb. A lamb with a bow on it! Right in it's mouth. Is anyone as pissed as I am?  

M, N, O and P are for Mitt Nearly Our President (A to Z Blogging Challenge)

      Politics suck ass...or sucks ass, whichever is grammatically correct. It's a genre fit for pretentious, closed minded argument junkies bitching about nothing. Nothing that's fixable anyway...oh...and assholes. Professional politics are a different thing altogether. It's a "Thunderdome" of endless arguments and back slapping...and assholes. Though, I do find it all very entertaining. The entertainment is more of an unintended side effect however, like the comedic bad acting in those "Twilight" movies.

     Overall I'm not a political person. Sure, I take sides but, it's usually about things like, which baconator is better a single or a double (double) or whether women in Catholic school girl uniforms give me a boner (yes...even that fat ones). So, when I think of politics, it's not about choosing a side, because it all sucks. Regardless, I believe everyone should be informed as to who or whomever their leaders or potential leaders might be. Even if it's only used to send them dirty letters about wildebeests. Plus, I still believe in government to some extent. So, picking a leader that seems less moronic than the other is important. I know, I'm an endless pit of hypocrisy and paradox...that says fuck a lot.

Yeah! Wait...what?

      Though, what I have to say has nothing to do with politics...not totally. It has to to with Mitt Romney, who is a politician. Relax, I'm not going to rip apart his idiotic foreign policy regarding prostitution or rant about some banal break down of why he should get high...a lot. Instead, I'm going right for glaringly obvious. Something so billboard plain that it seems everyone in the world has ignored it entirely...and will be the main, unspoken reason he will never be president. The thing? His name of course.

Word uuuuuuupp, bitchhheeeessss!

      It's hysterical knowing that someone on this planet, at this very moment is named after a finger-less glove. Not only is that person is a man (and not a bunny)...but he's running for President of The United States as well. I have almost pissed myself on several occasions contemplating all of the above and...oops...amend "almost" to "just".

I blame Mitt Romney...and diet Shasta.

      Can anyone honestly picture a U.S. President named Mitt? Besides rhyming Mitt with "shit" taking little to no effort and the sheer volume of bumper stickers variations of that would generate, it's too surreal to entertain. A President named Mitt would absolutely ruin any chance of being taken seriously in the world. Yeah, yeah, you can think that the rest of the world doesn't matter all you want, but, it doesn't change the fact that they do. President Mitt would never be taken seriously...unless it's a kitten at a world summit of kittens...for peace. 

Though, President Mitt might fair well 

during hostile negotiations...I wouldn't count on it.

      Yet, presidents with weird names are not a new thing. We have one named Barack right now, which ranks right above Balzac, on the "weird ass famous names" list. As weird as the name Barack Obama is, it still sounds...menacing. Perhaps as a villainous Transformer or G.I. Joe enemy. Barack Obama might sound kinda terrifying if coupled with the screams of dying soldiers, bombs and a city on fire. Try doing that with the name Mitt. Let me know how many of those dying soldiers screams turn to outright laughter. 

Destruction brought to you by...MITT!

      Mitt being an unequivocally stupid name is exactly why he won't be president. Adherent as political types are to their "beliefs" and "values", nothing can overcome putting a man named Mitt into a seat of what many consider "the most powerful office in the world". It's the same thing that has handicapped Newt Gingrich all these years. Though, cheating on not one wife, but two while both were sick (one with cancer, one with MS), probably doesn't help his cause either. Mitt also has problems beyond his idiotic name (he's extremely rich and thinks poor people exist because their parents haven't given them million dollar corporations yet). Though, isn't a name like Mitt enough?

Fuck I Love Hate!

      I looove hateful people. All those extra O's are for all the extra love. I'm a giver. A giver of extra "O" love. Hateful people allow me to believe I am a decent and good person. Without hateful people, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror. Not without sobbing uncontrollably and possibly urinating on myself in self deprecation. Luckily, episodes where those things do happen, are confined to the moment after the morning shit and tooth brushing.

The floaties are in case I cry a river.

      I can make it through my day, in large part, knowing that there are high profile, hate mongers trudging their way through the same world, I muck through. Their existence allows me to breath easy. Knowing that any hate I throw out into the world, is tiny in comparison to those bunch of walking rectal irritants. I love/hate epic hate peddlers like...

Ann Coulter

It's like she's burning your soul out with those eyes. Yikes.

      Ann Coulter is a right wing, lawyer pigeon from outer space. She's got pushes out more BTU's of hot political insanity, than an Ecstasy fueled political science co-ed. This bitch is crazy. Ugly, hate crazy. She hates Muslims, gays, liberals, freedom, intelligence, facts, sense, peace, style, poise, grace and I'm pretty sure living kittens. She is a bona fide lady lump of bat shit insanity with a book deal. I love her because when I want to feel argumentative, patriotic and right, which I do a lot. I watch this dumb bitch talk. She's a bucket of anger fueled stupidity with titties. Fugly titties. Watching this retarded chick ramble on about whatever controversial subject matter conservatives hate this week is a joy. Whether it's abortion, terrorists, prayer in school or book burning this vapid blonde has a statement. An obviously moronic hate slanted opinion, you might find yourself amazed hasn't gotten her beat to death yet. She's Rush Limbaugh with a pussy and just as attractive. What you might not understand is that this is how she makes money. She says outlandish shit so that she can sell her books that have equally outlandish shit in it. That is the only real reason for her hate bullshit. It's her schtick. If not, then, she's in the short line for a serious car bombing. 

Fox News

      These fuckin' guys. Holy shit. They spout hate laced non-facts like an anger lie chucking lawn sprinkler. Then, after riddling the ground with sloppy shit talk, they don't even don't apologize for the mess. When they're abso-fuckin'-lutely, cato-fuckin'-strophically wrong, it's not their fault, it's everyone else's. It's basically the same shit Ann Coulter does except it's calling itself a news network. The most vile nonsensical politicizing shit they can get away with is on this channel 24/7. None of it's actual news. It's more like, fitful angry ranting by conservative white guys. Let me clarify. Imagine we time warped back to post civil war America. We invent the t.v. We set up the standard networks, including: Cartoon Network, CSPAN, Food Network and a few of those naughty channels involving obscene things with farm equipment. The one's you don't rent, but, kinda do "just to see". Now, if large communities/groups all got their own representative channel (ala BET), Fox News would be the disgruntled white plantation owners network. Though, they aren't blatant about it, Fox News likes to spread bullshit around like a televangelist spreading donation banter. Normally, I view Fox News with a morbid curiosity, as I do most U.S. news networks. Most seem to have picked a side in the great Democrat, Republican idiocy war. I wouldn't normally care, if it wasn't for the fact that they still call themselves "news" networks. They are to news what an "escort" is to hooking. The escorts say they're just payed to attend a party with you, even while they're sucking your dick hooker style. I like Fox News because they demonstrate,on a regular basis, that there's a large majority of people that watch this bullshit. Why would I like that? Because knowing those people exist and watch that shit, makes me feel smarter than those people. How can you NOT like that?

Nutty Rich People

Yaaaay! I almost own everything!

      Okay, maybe hateful is a strong word for this group of people. I mean, if it wasn't for we slaving lower and middle class, they wouldn't have any money. Why the hate, right? Well, perhaps it's not hate, but, discriminatory...in who to kill. Apparently there are a couple of really rich bastards (Ted Turner and Bill Gates to name a couple), that believe the world would run a lot smoother, with a lot less of air breathers on it. Be it through extraneous vaccinations or just plain whackin' a large swath of people, these rich pricks are down for thinning out the lower end. Where do they get off, right? Well, they get off with a lot of fucking money. Bill Gates uses his Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation to buy vaccinations for poor people in third world countries. This is in hopes that the vaccinations will some how turn their immune systems into overused junk, much like a well worn prostitute. So, when the next real pants shitting, pandemic comes round, those people will be ripe for the dying. The idea behind the vaccinations and the killing of less desirable people falls back to something called eugenics. It's the idea that less is more. Cut out the "less than ideal" population and the smarter "ideal" people can thrive. Who are the "ideal"? You guessed it...rich people. I think it's great when crazy people are rich and full of moronic ideas. It goes to show that even high up on the monetary chain...there are still complete fucking idiots. So, I don't feel so bad. 

I'd like to go on record as saying, 

"Killing anyone that isn't me is perfectly fine with me."