Monday, October 8, 2012

Master Debaters: The 2012 Presidential Debates

      I apologize for missing a post on Friday. Due to some unforeseen circumstances involving procrastination, alcohol consumption and gangland style executions, I missed it and I'm sorry. Apologies aside, I'm cantankerously angry. Why? Mother fucking elections and their debates is why! And their ability to make me construct sentences poorly.

Angrier than an Asian with too much hair gel!

      Normally, I find politics and their inevitable pee pee measuring very entertaining. I pull up a warm bowl of Jello, wrap myself in a Snuggie and ride the hypocrisy of two or more political hacks til...I find a good movie on t.v. What can I say, I'm a softy for rich people promising stupid things then arguing about them and if it can preface a spaghetti western marathon, even better. Politics are like a slightly more entertaining version of golf...except the white men are in suits and the only white balls being used are old, shriveled and in those suits. 


      So, when I heard a series of Presidential debates was going down, I was stoked. Stoked meaning, the DSL was down and it was too early for soft core porn on Cinemax. Little did I realize that what I would be watching, would make me cringe in a way I haven't done since male prostituting for octogenarian women.

If you got the money, honey, I've got the time.

      What the hell happened? The President looked like a kid forced to go to the reading of a will. He smiled and nodded when the adults talked to him but, otherwise, he'd rather be at home playing with himself. It's like he meant to give a shit but, left it in the car on the way in. 

      Though, I mean, if it's between a debate and....I mean, who wouldn't rather be home playing with know what, that's not the point. The point is, I expected two leaders in the field of bullshitting to face off in dignified and self effacing manner I have grown accustomed to and not this...NON-debation! I wanted a masterful debate! A debate with master debaters!

"What in the fucking fuck?!", she said masterfully.

      I wanted the political version of blood, but, what I got instead...was a shitty fake blood. Like the kind you get at a party supply store. You know, it doesn't look like real blood, it tastes like ass and all it does is stain clothes. What the hell is with that, right? Plus, there's never enough, it's such a small tube, so, you end up using most of it at beginning of the night then, because there's not enough, you end up a sad looking zombie/vampire, that seems to have eaten a strawberry short cake at some point and didn't wipe their mouth. THAT'S WHAT I GOT!

Mmmmmm....short cake!

      Oh, what makes it worse is that the debate could have been so much more, really it could. Mitt was lying in such a blatantly retarded manner it was practically a lesson on how to lose a national presidential debate. Did Barack pick up on that? Did he counter balance the sloppy bull shit with...less sloppy bullshit? No, he just kinda..."meh-ed" his way through it. Dammit! You don't "meh" a debate, you pounce! Verbally pounce! If...that is a thing. If not then, it should be and he should have done it. GAH! I'm so infuriated, I want to punch a lamb. A lamb with a bow on it! Right in it's mouth. Is anyone as pissed as I am?  


  1. Awww man, I missed the debates. The time every four years when candidates completely ignore the question and time limits in favor of sloganeering. It's more fun than the Olympics. Who needs substantive plans for things like "real world problems" when you can simply pander to your base and yell at the other guy for being terrible?

    1. Finally, someone who understands. We should form our own "news channel" of nothing but debates. We can have celebrities provide commentary, which would consist solely of comments in variation of "I don't know what he was talking about." and "I really liked his use of shoes and his podium was shiny.". I think it could be the next Mtv.

  2. My favorite part of the debate was the weird look Romney got on his face whenever he listened to Obama talk. It seemed like he was secretly releasing silent farts, and enjoying the hell out of it.

    1. I believe that is an actual debate tactic taught at Harvard and other schools equally and more expensive than Harvard. Another, if I am not mistaken, is to have your genitals on display behind the podium and to reveal them at key moments, in order to fluster your opponent. I think this was employed by Mitt as well.


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