Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Energy Drinks: How They Get You To Jog Naked

      People seem to lack energy these days. It's a hindrance of course, due to our ever speedy world consuming us whole. The world moves at a break neck speed. It relies on a steady supply of energetic humanity to maintain it. Without the wakefulness of mankind, the planet would likely slow to a sludge like crawl and become an apocalyptic husk and end up like, Mars...or God forbid...Utah.

Come visit! We have despair on tap!

      As valuable as human energy is, we almost seem at odds to obtain it, despite already knowing how to. The solution  is fairly simple: Eat food and sleep until you wake equals energy. The body has evolved over, depending on what you believe, millions of years to do it. Our body likes it. In fact, second to masturbation, eating and sleeping are our favorite things to do and require the least amount of effort.

      We are splendidly stupid, however. We strive to be in constant motion and always alert. Our bodies, as we know, are not made for this. Alas, it doesn't stop us from trying and dammit, if we've taught ourselves our anything, it's that doing something stupid can always be made to look noble by trying it over and over again. So, in that spirit, I have taken it upon myself to test some of humanities greatest chemical enhancements for energy gain. This isn't my usual fair, as I am a lazy shit, but, for the sake of blog subject matter, my your gain.


This can be found at your local grocery store, next to 
anti-depressants and morning after pills.

      Coffee, the drink of kings, or so I call it, has been used as wake up juice for millennia. Since some goat famer noticed that the goats that ate coffee cherries gave him a more energetic kind of sex, people have been using it's stimulant properties to keep tiredness at bay. As a means to test these properties, I abstained from sleep for 24 hours, then, drank 3 cups of coffee. Then, promptly shit myself.

      Soon after, I found myself rushing around like a cat with it's ass on fire. I managed to get nine different projects (including a meat hat) halfway to completion, before I slammed into what I can only refer to as a "walking coma". It was at this point that I assumed coffee drinkers, simply drink more coffee, so I did and found that the human brain has a speed limit and after a gallon and a half of coffee 

5 Hour Energy Drinks

This can be found where ever sleep deprived truckers nest.

After achieving the mental version of terminal velocity, I got tired again...very...very tired again. I decided that this was the perfect time to employ another drink in the arsenal against sluggishness, the 5 Hour Energy Drink.

      Developed by an Indian guy who wanted to see America thrust into an early grave, the 5 Hour Energy Drink was made with the almighty dollar in mind. It's expensive, small portioned and tastes of rotten fruit mixed with window cleaner and self hatred. What better way to fend off sleep?

      With eyes lids drooping lower into sweet, sweet slumber I gulped down my first tiny bottle of  vitamin B laced foulness, then waited. Then, I waited longer with still no effect, so, I doubled down and threw back another...then, two more. Still, the effects went unseen...for a full twenty minutes. It was at this time that I decided a run was in order. A nude run.

      I decided on nudity, as the drinks had heated my skin to a temperature slightly lower than scorching. Luckily, my little ball bouncing jaunt went unnoticed as it was 4:30 in the morning. Still, how anyone managed to miss a naked man running down the street yelping "My skin's on fire, my skin's on fire!" is beyond me.


This can be found in the colons of Mexican drug mules
 or white television executives.

      This last one was unintentional. I ran naked, skin ablaze when happened upon a drug dealer on his way home. I startled him as he rounded a corner. He then pulled a gun from what appeared to be his ass crack and aimed at me. My response was to take the classic, "please don't shoot my genitals" stance and weep openly. I pleaded with him not to "whack" me. He proceeded to laugh. 

      We quickly resolved the situation. I told him what I was consuming products to maintain wakefulness. He understood as that was an effect of his wares. He explained the energy boosting benefits of good, all natural cocaine. Skeptical at first, I had my doubts. All of which were abolished after the first use. This was...indeed a fine stimulant. A happy, fine brisk nude walk through a shocked crowd at a shopping center kind of stimulant. 

Average response to floppy penis running.

      It worked grandly. It kept me up through most of my booking and later incarceration. Never once was I concerned with the looming specter of sleep. Not through the vomiting, the muttering laced with crazed laughter, nor through the face numbed questioning of my existence did I think about sleep, in fact, all the way up until I passed out, with a steel jail house bar pressed into my forehead, I never thought of sleep once.

      Unfortunately, because of a court ruling, I was unable to try more energy delivering products. I hope you understand. What I learn from my journey down false energy lane is this. If you're tired...sleep. It's better than facing a mental competency hearing naked. though, not nearly as entertaining.

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