Energy Drinks: How They Get You To Jog Naked

      People seem to lack energy these days. It's a hindrance of course, due to our ever speedy world consuming us whole. The world moves at a break neck speed. It relies on a steady supply of energetic humanity to maintain it. Without the wakefulness of mankind, the planet would likely slow to a sludge like crawl and become an apocalyptic husk and end up like, Mars...or God forbid...Utah.

Come visit! We have despair on tap!

      As valuable as human energy is, we almost seem at odds to obtain it, despite already knowing how to. The solution  is fairly simple: Eat food and sleep until you wake equals energy. The body has evolved over, depending on what you believe, millions of years to do it. Our body likes it. In fact, second to masturbation, eating and sleeping are our favorite things to do and require the least amount of effort.

      We are splendidly stupid, however. We strive to be in constant motion and always alert. Our bodies, as we know, are not made for this. Alas, it doesn't stop us from trying and dammit, if we've taught ourselves our anything, it's that doing something stupid can always be made to look noble by trying it over and over again. So, in that spirit, I have taken it upon myself to test some of humanities greatest chemical enhancements for energy gain. This isn't my usual fair, as I am a lazy shit, but, for the sake of blog subject matter, my pain...is your gain.

Coffee

This can be found at your local grocery store, next to 

anti-depressants and morning after pills.

      Coffee, the drink of kings, or so I call it, has been used as wake up juice for millennia. Since some goat famer noticed that the goats that ate coffee cherries gave him a more energetic kind of sex, people have been using it's stimulant properties to keep tiredness at bay. As a means to test these properties, I abstained from sleep for 24 hours, then, drank 3 cups of coffee. Then, promptly shit myself.

      Soon after, I found myself rushing around like a cat with it's ass on fire. I managed to get nine different projects (including a meat hat) halfway to completion, before I slammed into what I can only refer to as a "walking coma". It was at this point that I assumed coffee drinkers, simply drink more coffee, so I did and found that the human brain has a speed limit and after a gallon and a half of coffee thoughts...um...break. 

5 Hour Energy Drinks

This can be found where ever sleep deprived truckers nest.

After achieving the mental version of terminal velocity, I got tired again...very...very tired again. I decided that this was the perfect time to employ another drink in the arsenal against sluggishness, the 5 Hour Energy Drink.

      Developed by an Indian guy who wanted to see America thrust into an early grave, the 5 Hour Energy Drink was made with the almighty dollar in mind. It's expensive, small portioned and tastes of rotten fruit mixed with window cleaner and self hatred. What better way to fend off sleep?

      With eyes lids drooping lower into sweet, sweet slumber I gulped down my first tiny bottle of  vitamin B laced foulness, then waited. Then, I waited longer with still no effect, so, I doubled down and threw back another...then, two more. Still, the effects went unseen...for a full twenty minutes. It was at this time that I decided a run was in order. A nude run.

      I decided on nudity, as the drinks had heated my skin to a temperature slightly lower than scorching. Luckily, my little ball bouncing jaunt went unnoticed as it was 4:30 in the morning. Still, how anyone managed to miss a naked man running down the street yelping "My skin's on fire, my skin's on fire!" is beyond me.

Cocaine

This can be found in the colons of Mexican drug mules

 or white television executives.

      This last one was unintentional. I ran naked, skin ablaze when happened upon a drug dealer on his way home. I startled him as he rounded a corner. He then pulled a gun from what appeared to be his ass crack and aimed at me. My response was to take the classic, "please don't shoot my genitals" stance and weep openly. I pleaded with him not to "whack" me. He proceeded to laugh. 

      We quickly resolved the situation. I told him what I was consuming products to maintain wakefulness. He understood as that was an effect of his wares. He explained the energy boosting benefits of good, all natural cocaine. Skeptical at first, I had my doubts. All of which were abolished after the first use. This was...indeed a fine stimulant. A happy, fine brisk nude walk through a shocked crowd at a shopping center kind of stimulant. 

Average response to floppy penis running.

      It worked grandly. It kept me up through most of my booking and later incarceration. Never once was I concerned with the looming specter of sleep. Not through the vomiting, the muttering laced with crazed laughter, nor through the face numbed questioning of my existence did I think about sleep, in fact, all the way up until I passed out, with a steel jail house bar pressed into my forehead, I never thought of sleep once.

      Unfortunately, because of a court ruling, I was unable to try more energy delivering products. I hope you understand. What I learn from my journey down false energy lane is this. If you're tired...sleep. It's better than facing a mental competency hearing naked. though, not nearly as entertaining.

A to Z Blogging Challenge: Reflection and Ball Scratching

      This year, as you may know, I participated in the "A to Z Blogging Challenge". It was a challenge to blog on a different topic every day in April. The subjects would correspond to a letter in the alphabet and be interesting enough to not make people vomit from sheer boredom. I failed on most of these fronts, of course. However, I did learn quite a few valuable lessons about me, the subjects I wrote about and the multitude of bloggers that I encountered during the course of the challenge. Here are a few highlights...

Jennifer Aniston highlights...

      Bone-able Jennifer Aniston aside, there were a lot of interesting things that occurred. My confused fear and anger of senior citizens was somewhat confirmed, the discovery of more hilarious blogging weirdos and a reevaluation of my "internet self" all occurred because of this wonderful challenge. Let me elaborate, before all the gray haired ancients turn their aging devil eyes upon me and cause me to spontaneously com-bust. 

Fucking OLD PEOPLE!!!

      In review, I shouldn't have been surprised...some old folks are just...old. Meaning, that they tend to carry a view of the world that is of a bygone era. It happens to everyone as they get older. It's the reason I'll never get into or understand the music of LMFAO or the popularity of "The Hangover" parts one and deux. To me, they're both examples of things that should have their right to exist revoked...due to their severe and criminal retardation. Yet, people older than me feel that bands like Pearl Jam and Radiohead are reprehensible and movies like "Young Frankenstein" are funny only to assholes...degenerate fucking assholes.

      So, when it was proposed to me, by a "senior member of our society", that I should warn people about the language I used in my blog, I "laughed my fucking ass off". This is the internet, not a shitty old folks kennel your family forgot you in, people curse here. 

      Oh, and there's also porno...an ass-load of porno. Strangely enough, some of those involve actual ass-loads, so, yeah, there's that. Listen, I feel that if you found this blog and read enough of it, you'd see that my language isn't the primary focus of what I write about (it's my infantile psyche and idiotic disposition toward my own penis that are on full display here). 

      If you read any of this, hit the word fuck and immediately feel the Devil searing your eyes with shame, get off the internet. It's only going to make you touch yourself. Believe me, the last thing I want is old, church going grannies poking and groping in a way they should have done decades before, but, didn't because they felt Jesus was watching from the closet or something. It just makes me feel sad, filthy and...somewhat aroused inside...and after that confused. You don't want that...I don't want that. No one wants that.

Ewwwww...Grannie touching her...well...you know.

      Old people's hang ups aside, I also discovered a lot about who I am on the internet and what I want to accomplish. I'm still new to all of this blogging stuff. It's a sweet gig. I've made a couple of bucks here and there and would love to branch out. I like doing this. I've decided to really work hard to deliver more as well, be it podcasting, vlogging or more. 

      Yet, I find myself often confronted with writers block. As it was never an issue before (I only wrote in notebooks or dirty letters to dead celebrities), I never gave it much thought. The A to Z Challenge really held it up to my face and forced a confrontation. I had to figure out a way around it's sweaty, dangly bits to get a post out. It was a great exercise indeed. It taught me that, no matter what caused the writer's block, a quick jaunt to the strip bar would always get the creative and not so creative juices flowing. Either that or drink a Yoo Hoo while watching Seinfeld re-runs. Either of those would work.

Thank you, Seinfeld. You genius bastard...genius bastard.

      I also found a lot of inspiration among the many blogs I read, as part of the challenge. I'll admit that I am not as avid a blog reader as I'd like to be. I find myself quickly gravitating toward sites devoted to the self sex market when I'm on the internet. The blogs I do read are usually the one's I find the most interesting and funny...(Muppets For Justice, Chiz, The ever lovely Lily and Sick Bitch) and rarely take the time to investigate further. Yet, I was compelled to read more blogs for the challenge. I am very, very glad I did. I ran into a lot of really creative writers. Some of which put my meager offerings to shame. Without this challenge I might never have found them and may have gone the rest of my days never knowing of their awesomeness. Go figure...

Here are a couple...

Seriously-WTH?

Word Nerd Speaks

Death of A Hardcore Gamer

Successfully Underachieving 

With that...I'd like to thank you all for reading my blog and not peeing on the carpet. You'd be surprised how many unruly guests disregard that common sense etiquette. I hope that you were entertained and I hope to entertain you further in the future. I have a lot of ideas...and not all of them involve carving small statuettes of Eleanor Roosevelt. It's what you were thinking, I'm sure (it's what they ALWAYS think). I can assure you that was the furthest thing from my mind...maybe.