Showing posts with label strange. Show all posts
Showing posts with label strange. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

A to Z Blogging Challenge: Reflection and Ball Scratching

      This year, as you may know, I participated in the "A to Z Blogging Challenge". It was a challenge to blog on a different topic every day in April. The subjects would correspond to a letter in the alphabet and be interesting enough to not make people vomit from sheer boredom. I failed on most of these fronts, of course. However, I did learn quite a few valuable lessons about me, the subjects I wrote about and the multitude of bloggers that I encountered during the course of the challenge. Here are a few highlights...


Jennifer Aniston highlights...

      Bone-able Jennifer Aniston aside, there were a lot of interesting things that occurred. My confused fear and anger of senior citizens was somewhat confirmed, the discovery of more hilarious blogging weirdos and a reevaluation of my "internet self" all occurred because of this wonderful challenge. Let me elaborate, before all the gray haired ancients turn their aging devil eyes upon me and cause me to spontaneously com-bust. 



      In review, I shouldn't have been surprised...some old folks are just...old. Meaning, that they tend to carry a view of the world that is of a bygone era. It happens to everyone as they get older. It's the reason I'll never get into or understand the music of LMFAO or the popularity of "The Hangover" parts one and deux. To me, they're both examples of things that should have their right to exist revoked...due to their severe and criminal retardation. Yet, people older than me feel that bands like Pearl Jam and Radiohead are reprehensible and movies like "Young Frankenstein" are funny only to assholes...degenerate fucking assholes.

      So, when it was proposed to me, by a "senior member of our society", that I should warn people about the language I used in my blog, I "laughed my fucking ass off". This is the internet, not a shitty old folks kennel your family forgot you in, people curse here. 

      Oh, and there's also porno...an ass-load of porno. Strangely enough, some of those involve actual ass-loads, so, yeah, there's that. Listen, I feel that if you found this blog and read enough of it, you'd see that my language isn't the primary focus of what I write about (it's my infantile psyche and idiotic disposition toward my own penis that are on full display here). 

      If you read any of this, hit the word fuck and immediately feel the Devil searing your eyes with shame, get off the internet. It's only going to make you touch yourself. Believe me, the last thing I want is old, church going grannies poking and groping in a way they should have done decades before, but, didn't because they felt Jesus was watching from the closet or something. It just makes me feel sad, filthy and...somewhat aroused inside...and after that confused. You don't want that...I don't want that. No one wants that.


Ewwwww...Grannie touching her...well...you know.

      Old people's hang ups aside, I also discovered a lot about who I am on the internet and what I want to accomplish. I'm still new to all of this blogging stuff. It's a sweet gig. I've made a couple of bucks here and there and would love to branch out. I like doing this. I've decided to really work hard to deliver more as well, be it podcasting, vlogging or more. 

      Yet, I find myself often confronted with writers block. As it was never an issue before (I only wrote in notebooks or dirty letters to dead celebrities), I never gave it much thought. The A to Z Challenge really held it up to my face and forced a confrontation. I had to figure out a way around it's sweaty, dangly bits to get a post out. It was a great exercise indeed. It taught me that, no matter what caused the writer's block, a quick jaunt to the strip bar would always get the creative and not so creative juices flowing. Either that or drink a Yoo Hoo while watching Seinfeld re-runs. Either of those would work.


Thank you, Seinfeld. You genius bastard...genius bastard.

      I also found a lot of inspiration among the many blogs I read, as part of the challenge. I'll admit that I am not as avid a blog reader as I'd like to be. I find myself quickly gravitating toward sites devoted to the self sex market when I'm on the internet. The blogs I do read are usually the one's I find the most interesting and funny...(Muppets For Justice, Chiz, The ever lovely Lily and Sick Bitch) and rarely take the time to investigate further. Yet, I was compelled to read more blogs for the challenge. I am very, very glad I did. I ran into a lot of really creative writers. Some of which put my meager offerings to shame. Without this challenge I might never have found them and may have gone the rest of my days never knowing of their awesomeness. Go figure...

Here are a couple...





With that...I'd like to thank you all for reading my blog and not peeing on the carpet. You'd be surprised how many unruly guests disregard that common sense etiquette. I hope that you were entertained and I hope to entertain you further in the future. I have a lot of ideas...and not all of them involve carving small statuettes of Eleanor Roosevelt. It's what you were thinking, I'm sure (it's what they ALWAYS think). I can assure you that was the furthest thing from my mind...maybe.

Friday, January 13, 2012

You Tube Cult Insanity

      Years ago, during the heady days after the birth of the internet, the world was in turmoil. Catholic school girl porn was over flowing in the streets, pictures of cats were threatening to blot out the sun and people were in desperate need to record themselves getting hit with hammers.  It took a couple of years but, greed and capitalism embraced the internet. When it did, like a well worn granny whore's orifices, all of those needs were filled. Instant stardom is now just a web cam away! That's right. You can be instantly famous...just like everybody else.

      It seems as though getting famous on the internet is just as feasible as it was in the non...internet...reality we used to live in. Which to say...not at all. Even though the prospect of having a break out career result from all those ass shaking videos you've upload isn't likely, that doesn't mean there's not an audience for it. There's always an audience. That's what makes You Tube and it's ilk so popular. Someone is always willing and able to watch you do crazy shit. Hell, they probably set aside nights of the week just to do that!




See bunny we're famous! Oh, and dead inside...always...dead inside.

So, with an ever present audience a flood of would be fame seekers parades their creative wares via poorly made videos. Mostly, it's of them setting themselves on fire, slamming various things into their nuts and cat molestation videos. Whenever you have a multitude of people generating mass amounts of...bullshit, niche groups will be formed. Some of those niche's are just plain disturbing...and weird. Disturbo-weird. Who knows what the fuck they are? Why do they exist? Because people are fucked up, that's why.


 When I'm feeling that humanity is on the right track to a decent and prosperous future, I go on You Tube and eventually run into these weird...niche pockets of "what the fuck?!". Here are a few of the more strange niche groups I have found while trolling the bowels of You Tube. My goal is to inform, educate...and fuck you up. These people live all around you! Lurking. Watching you do your laundry and jockeying for who will piss or lick your car door today. Oh, that was pretty sick huh. Sorry about that. Relax, no one is pissing on your car. You're not that important...or are you?


LITERAL VIDEOS!

      Okay, this one isn't so bad actually. It's sort of funny. What weirds me out about them is the fact that there are so many. Almost...too many. The folks that make these must sit and watch, what I'm assuming, hours of music videos, to find JUST the right one. Then, they spend what I'm assuming hours writing JUST the right literal lyrics. Finally, they record and edit this shit and put it on You Tube, to amuse and make us wonder, if the person who made it, is the same guy that leers at you for no reason in fast food restaurants. (HINT: It's the same guy.)





BLUES CLUES REMIXES

      What the fuck did Blues Clues do to these people? Did Steve or Joe reach into various people's brains, drop acid and take a dump on their sense of logic? I understand that as a person gets older, you view things differently. It holds true for old movies and shows. You enjoy things on different levels as you age. I'm fine with that, I appreciate that, but,...what the fuck is this shit? Take your marijuana impaired video editing sessions somewhere else. Leave poor Steve and Joe to their wallow in their private hell. A hell of forever having to find clues left by an asshole dog that should just tell them where shit is. Stop remixing Blues Clues!





POORLY DONE ANIME WOLF...porn?

      Note to the population of the world: You can't make a video about liking an animal without looking and sounding insane. Just so we're clear, if you make a video about your favorite animal and why you wish to be or would make a good version of said animal, you look and sound crazy. Unless you're trying to get an animal adopted, making a documentary or explaining how to cook said animal, you will sound like a nut job. Got it? 


      Now, if you feel the overwhelming urge to make said animals talk, for no reason, you are more insane. If you are driven to, not only, make them talk, but, also create poorly rendered anime drawings of them, add a bonus whacko point to your insane pile. Finally, if you are animating shitting drawings AND asking other nut jobs to do voice overs for the fucking thing, give up. Chances are you're currently wearing a diaper, talking to Jello and fist fucking a Winnie The Pooh doll in the name of Jesus...as we speak. Seek...mother...fucking...help. Oh, and stop making shitty videos.




      Though, there are countless more examples of weirdness in the You Tube universe. I don't want to slather you too much creepy goodness just yet. I find it best to simmer a little. Besides, I am late for a meeting with my senator. (That's code for "needing to take a dump").