Friday, January 13, 2012

You Tube Cult Insanity

      Years ago, during the heady days after the birth of the internet, the world was in turmoil. Catholic school girl porn was over flowing in the streets, pictures of cats were threatening to blot out the sun and people were in desperate need to record themselves getting hit with hammers.  It took a couple of years but, greed and capitalism embraced the internet. When it did, like a well worn granny whore's orifices, all of those needs were filled. Instant stardom is now just a web cam away! That's right. You can be instantly famous...just like everybody else.

      It seems as though getting famous on the internet is just as feasible as it was in the non...internet...reality we used to live in. Which to say...not at all. Even though the prospect of having a break out career result from all those ass shaking videos you've upload isn't likely, that doesn't mean there's not an audience for it. There's always an audience. That's what makes You Tube and it's ilk so popular. Someone is always willing and able to watch you do crazy shit. Hell, they probably set aside nights of the week just to do that!

See bunny we're famous! Oh, and dead inside...always...dead inside.

So, with an ever present audience a flood of would be fame seekers parades their creative wares via poorly made videos. Mostly, it's of them setting themselves on fire, slamming various things into their nuts and cat molestation videos. Whenever you have a multitude of people generating mass amounts of...bullshit, niche groups will be formed. Some of those niche's are just plain disturbing...and weird. Disturbo-weird. Who knows what the fuck they are? Why do they exist? Because people are fucked up, that's why.

 When I'm feeling that humanity is on the right track to a decent and prosperous future, I go on You Tube and eventually run into these weird...niche pockets of "what the fuck?!". Here are a few of the more strange niche groups I have found while trolling the bowels of You Tube. My goal is to inform, educate...and fuck you up. These people live all around you! Lurking. Watching you do your laundry and jockeying for who will piss or lick your car door today. Oh, that was pretty sick huh. Sorry about that. Relax, no one is pissing on your car. You're not that important...or are you?


      Okay, this one isn't so bad actually. It's sort of funny. What weirds me out about them is the fact that there are so many. Almost...too many. The folks that make these must sit and watch, what I'm assuming, hours of music videos, to find JUST the right one. Then, they spend what I'm assuming hours writing JUST the right literal lyrics. Finally, they record and edit this shit and put it on You Tube, to amuse and make us wonder, if the person who made it, is the same guy that leers at you for no reason in fast food restaurants. (HINT: It's the same guy.)


      What the fuck did Blues Clues do to these people? Did Steve or Joe reach into various people's brains, drop acid and take a dump on their sense of logic? I understand that as a person gets older, you view things differently. It holds true for old movies and shows. You enjoy things on different levels as you age. I'm fine with that, I appreciate that, but,...what the fuck is this shit? Take your marijuana impaired video editing sessions somewhere else. Leave poor Steve and Joe to their wallow in their private hell. A hell of forever having to find clues left by an asshole dog that should just tell them where shit is. Stop remixing Blues Clues!


      Note to the population of the world: You can't make a video about liking an animal without looking and sounding insane. Just so we're clear, if you make a video about your favorite animal and why you wish to be or would make a good version of said animal, you look and sound crazy. Unless you're trying to get an animal adopted, making a documentary or explaining how to cook said animal, you will sound like a nut job. Got it? 

      Now, if you feel the overwhelming urge to make said animals talk, for no reason, you are more insane. If you are driven to, not only, make them talk, but, also create poorly rendered anime drawings of them, add a bonus whacko point to your insane pile. Finally, if you are animating shitting drawings AND asking other nut jobs to do voice overs for the fucking thing, give up. Chances are you're currently wearing a diaper, talking to Jello and fist fucking a Winnie The Pooh doll in the name of we speak. Oh, and stop making shitty videos.

      Though, there are countless more examples of weirdness in the You Tube universe. I don't want to slather you too much creepy goodness just yet. I find it best to simmer a little. Besides, I am late for a meeting with my senator. (That's code for "needing to take a dump"). 


  1. The ones I hate are the ones which claim to have "REAL FOOTAGE OF AN ALIEN" or a weird new animal or something, and it turns out to be nondescript blobs with circles around them, or footage from a movie. Not that I'm expecting proof of extraterrestrial life on YouTube, but c'mon, if you're going to make promises I expect a delivery.

  2. Seriously man, the ad posted on top of this is 'Get Famous on Youtube'


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