Saturday, January 7, 2012

Ancient Aliens Are Assholes!

      Fucking aliens, they're always dicking with us. If it isn't taking the menial labor jobs no one wants, it's blowing up the White House and threatening Will Smith's life. If that...wait...not illegal aliens, the brain sucking, different planet, kind of aliens, not the guys currently seeking employment outside the Home Depot. I confused myself for a moment. The girl selling oranges by the side of the freeway set me straight.

This is her. Wha...wait. What were you thinking?

      It seems like those gray skinned big eyed bastards are always fucking with us. They fly their ships over insane people's houses/farms/pot fields, mutilating cattle the farmer hasn't had sex with and anal probing farmers no one will have sex with. Now, I'm hearing they have been fucking with our history too! When will their meddling end? Was our history and achievements as a species peppered with alien influence? Did aliens stage and intervention on our stupidity? Are we even cool enough to have an intervention? Do we owe them something for all the wicked technological advice? If so, are they coming back with a bill our collective asses can't pay off? 

We've come to collect...your virgin sphinctors!

      What the fucking fuck is this all about? Bullshit is what. For years various "experts" have been claiming that throughout history, humans have been guided and helped by aliens. All of mankind's greatest achievements (i.e. the Great Pyramids, Stonehenge, Big Ben) in ancient times could ONLY have been possible with the influence of an alien intelligence. Supposedly, humans (or...for the layman out there..."us"), have an inherent deficiency when it comes to performing grand tasks. Apparently, we, as a race, fuck up an extraordinary amount. As valid as that point is, when thought about for longer than 2 seconds with a brain larger than an ant's penis, it's retarded. Not just retarded...mega retarded. A retardation so's like the Einstein of retarded thoughts. Wait. What?'s just fucking retarded.

Retardation...with a gun!

      I have read about aliens and their bullshit for a long time. Since my stint in elementary school I suppose, back when "reading" wasn't battery powered. I used to read tons of books on weird shit, like the Loch Ness Monster, aliens and how to score with elderly women. I learned a couple of things in all of that reading. One, the Loch Ness Monster is best seen in the fog at night, while driving fast and drunk. Two, elderly women won't take off their clothes unless you threaten to take away their heart medication and finally, three, aliens wouldn't help us, even if our brains held the secret to eternal orgasms. 

      Well, wait, they might help us if that was the case. Shit, then again, they'd just come down here...slaughter us all for our brain-gasm juice or whatever and fly off to do some alien masturbation for...forever. Nonetheless, they wouldn't fucking help us, not even a little. I mean, seriously, what's in it for them?


      How many times have you said to yourself, "I should totally go and help someone less fortunate than me for little to no pay off?". I'll help you out. The answer is, never. Oh, sure, people volunteer at soup kitchens and charity sex shops all the time, but, to what end? So, they can help someone get back on their feet and get back to contributing to society...our society. That's the pay off. We help them, so, that they can work, be taxed and contribute. Why the shit would aliens, with their advanced....EVERYTHING, help us?

      They wouldn't benefit from it. It'd be like helping a potential competitor beef up their skills, so that they can kick you in the balls more efficiently. Who the fuck would do that? It's bad for business...or better yet, survival. Instead, the best play is to play it safe, investigate the sub par competitor and take what you need, because they're stupid. Which, is exactly what aliens are probably doing now, if they are doing anything at all with us. Well, other than anal probing those farmers. too late to be an alien?

      I'm sorry to break it to you, but, aliens, that get here from millions of miles away, are smarter than us. They know it and you should too. That doesn't mean we are incapable of doing something brilliant and great regardless. It's sad that we, as a species have so little faith in ourselves that we constantly undermine our own accomplishments that we have to qualify them with imaginary alien intervention. Did ancient Egyptians build the pyramids? Of course they did. Get this...they did it without cranes and shit too. I won't speculate on how (I'm kind of a dumb ass) but, they did. How do I know? Because we're human and we pull of shit like that everyday. Diminishing a feat like that by attributing it to aliens just makes us look like arrogant assholes. 

Arrogant asshole #1

      Ancient people were just as smart and capable as we are. They just did it with more people and less cocaine. Just because they didn't invent cranes and hydraulic lifts and sex swings, doesn't mean they were too stupid to build big ass things. It simply means they did it a different way than we're used too. It amazes me how we as a people immediately dismiss our ancestors as tragically retarded, because they did things without modern equipment. If you pooled a couple of hundred people together and told them to figure out and construct a pyramid using nothing, we'd eventually figure it out. We seem to forget that we are their descendants. If they're stupid asses who can't build a fucking pyramid without alien help, we're dumb asses who shouldn't be slapping up sky scrapers without alien help. Is this true? Hell no. So, cut our ancestors some fucking slack. I think they could handle slapping up a pyramid or two...or three. Maybe if we acknowledge that human ingenuity isn't limited to our modern culture, we'd find a better appreciation for what we really are, an animal that gets shit done.

Not Pictured: Mother fucking aliens.


  1. Some things can only be attributed to aliens. In my house, we used a whole toilet roll in a day. We didn't use it, so who did?

  2. Some (maby a little more than some) of aliens are just a bunch of jerking off, a holes. U little bstards might scare most of the population and control them like puppets around, me but your suckas are never gonna get me to do your bidding. I bet within the next 10 years the aliens will be working for me. By the way, you aliens owe me about 21 million dollars. I advise you all, 2 pay up!

    Your earthly Master

  3. P.S. Go ahead and keep using my precious cat against me and we will just see how many KFC chickens are around, in the near future!!!!!!!!

  4. Does anyone remember, the 1980's sit-com ALF? I thought that was the AWSOMEST show in the world, when I was a kid. Does anyone have any ideas for a (spin-off) off the older 80's episodes? If so, please visit my myspace site and throw down a commment or 2. If your interested in (possibly) playing a role in (a potential) sequel, leave a post! Woulden't it be really cool to have your own ALF? You know like a cat or dog, just funnier!~ I thought of owning a few lemurs, kangaroos, pandas,, critters like that. Instead, I just think ill have one of my bio-tec buddies engineer me , a furry pal, like ALF!


    My friend asked me a question, yesterday. He said, when a creature, human etc... becomes angry, hateful, discriminatory, jealous with beings around them and decides to waste their life and time, why would anyone do that. He told me of some old wise (men and women) that attempted to live life in a more prosphorus way! He told me of how he learned some ancient words that were long vanished from any recorded (or written) language on earth. He spoke of being fluid with the beings, creatures, people (and environment) around them. Living in a fluid of harmony! He told me that there was an entire book written about this before the birth of christ. Then, he spoke of how people were (always taught) to be like this, in chaos, in fear, in hate, so that only a "SELECTED FEW" people could live an "EMPOWERED ANGELIC - LIKE EXISTENCE"! I listened, i thought carefully but unfortunatly, I could not tell this man exactly people would not strive or live for the ladder! Which type of existance would you choose?

  6. I have been thinking this shit for years. Humanity is capable of anything we set our minds to. Its kind of a bitch that dumbass morals and ethical standards have held us back so much. I want to see a day where we culturally uplift species like the dolphin, or dogs and cats, turtles (TMNT), or finally get a real spaceship able to traverse the universe. We hold ourselves back, we put ourselves down, we use lame excuses to justify why we do what we do, and its sad as fuck. Whatever happened to the sky elevator? what happened to putting base camps on the moon? What about a manned mission to mars? Humanity, as I see it, are a bunch of pussies moving at a snails pace for no real reason whatsoever. Still fighting amongst ourselves in the name of stupid shit like land and religion. Putting people down because of the color of their skin when anyone with half a brain knows we are all just a bunch a super-monkeys bitch slapping each other, and the one with the bigger hand wins. If I were an alien looking down on this big blue/green ball, I would set up some high powered cameras in orbit with cloaking technology and it would be the best show in the universe.


Comment. Lest your fear consume you, cry baby.