Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The Perils of Night Shift Work: Super Happy Edition!

      The sun sinks below the horizon, ending another day in the real world...and I go to work. My shit packed up, I drive a half hour to labor amid the wee hours. What for? Money. Always the fucking money. The shitting shit I do for money. It's ridiculous. It's not just me either, there are thousands of people, plodding through night after night, barely hanging on to sanity for that sweet pay check. I would say that it sucks balls, but, that would be degrading the act of sucking balls. Why would anyone do this shit to themselves? It's like, stapling your own ass...with a jack hammer made of bullshit! Actually, that...might be better because...


I'm half dead anyway.

      Directly from the Consortium of Painfully Obvious Studies, scientists, after I assume a bender including paint thinner and homemade absinthe, figured that working overnight increases your chances of developing a cardiovascular disease by 40%. The increase was linked to the human body's natural increased blood flow in the morning. It's like an all over boner your body has for the sun. That, in turn, is caused by circadian rhythms or a natural timing your body has with day and night. Think of it as your body synchronizing Swatches with the sun. When that's out of sorts it up's your heart, I surmise, is weakened. What a slap in the dick!

      Being a drone, who also works overnight, I'm slightly terrified by this. At any moment, my heart could seize up like an un-oiled car engine due to disease, leaving me to sputter, vomit and shit myself in full view of hapless co-workers and strangers! What the hell? I like my heart. It's been with me a long time and thumping along like a poorly tuned banjo. If I had known working over night would do this I wouldn't have...pff...who am I kidding. I need the money. It's always the money.


He's just sleep...oh,, he's dead. Pills...sad.

      I've been suicidal since the age of 6. I'd try to slash my wrists with weaponry usually reserved for G.I. Joe figures. Alas, I failed and here I sit, alive, for it seems that laziness, procrastination and busy scheduling trump suicidal tendencies. Who knew? 

      It doesn't solve my entire dilemma, however, for it seems overnight shifts may be shoving me off the proverbial depression cliff into self murder land. According to OTHER scientists, working nights can cause depression, anxiety and loss of energy. All of which amount to a basic recipe for premature world exiting with a side order of "right fucking now!". Having worked a night shift job for many years, I can see this possibility. 

      You're not getting enough sun exposure, your skin looks like it was exfoliated by Satan's stubbly scrotum sack and lack of giving a shit due to non-sleep, can drive anyone mad. Coupled with the increase of accidents that happen over night and early morning increases the chances of dying. What the hell would drive someone to work a shift that could lead to...oh, money. AGAIN!  


Later, sonsahbitches!

      Not that I have very many friends to begin with but, working over night means I'll have less. Despite the coolness often associated with working over nothing cool about it. Regardless, some fucking poll or another was taken among pissed off over night workers regarding their social lives. It turns out...they don't have one! 

      Working the late shift means, unless you're on speed or a mythic creature that's high on life, you sleep during the day. While you're doing that, the rest of the world is doing normal, day light things like...Facebooking, calling each other assholes and begging each other for attention. As a night walking wage slave, you miss out on the good stuff and by the time you come out of your day coma, everyone else is done. You're either behind everyone else or not involved at all. It's a headache, especially if you're one of those rare examples of humanity that...(gulp) like other people. 

      Even when you do get a chance to hang out with friends or run errands on a day off, you're tired and fucked up, due to, again, your circadian rhythms being out of whack. So, it feels like you're either half asleep during these engagements or playing catch up with a barely functioning brain. Eventually, you just say to hell with it and become isolated and depressed. What the hell is wrong with people that they would do this...oh, right. Money. 

So, I should bag the over night gig...but, until I fall ass over face into a pit filled with discarded money, I'm plenty fucked. It's okay though. I always have my heal--nope. DAMMIT, MONEY!


  1. My buddy worked overnights, and whenever I'd go over his place he'd have black garbage bags covering all the windows and a sinkful of coffee mugs. I've had jobs where I had to work the occasional overnight, but no way could I endure it all the time.

    I think it's criminal to have industries that force overnight labor especially when there are so many health risks involved. Either that or give free health care (or alcohol) to people who work night shifts.

    1. It is a bitch indeed, sir. I do like your free liquor amenity idea. Though, I don't think it would help with production. Nothing slogs production like a soused employee base.

  2. If given the choice, I wouldn't kill myself. I'd wait for the heart attack, and allow myself to "sputter, vomit and shit myself in full view of hapless co-workers". That's a much better way to exit. Think about it: those asshole co-workers will have to clean up the foul mess your carcass leaves behind. They should've thought about that before they stole your sugar cookies out of the communal refrigerator.

    1. That, my friend, is a plan. I might only add that those sugar cookies be laced with some manner of stool softener, as I want my influence to be felt beyond the grave.

  3. Oh dear Elton! This made me laugh so much, thanks :) There I was contemplating my own life, after discovering I had all those symptoms associated with working the night shift, only to realise that I work days. I have never tweeted the phrase 'sucking on balls' and now that I have I fear I will be shunned by society and forced to only leave the house at night....was that the plan all along?

  4. I worked at UPS in the middle of the night, for several years, because the Teamsters have the best benefits. And then one day I realized I'd rather get my dentistry done with a ball peen hammer and go to Mexico for my proctology exams, than work nights for one more... well, night.


Comment. Lest your fear consume you, cry baby.