Friday, November 30, 2012

The Bullshit Of Christmas ~ Vol. 1 ~

      The holidays are once again steamrolling their way through our over stimulated, drug assisted lives. We, as always, are at their mercy again. They're not all bad. Over eating and drunkenly ridiculing family members for past failings over cranberry sauce, are some of my favorite memories. The "pain in the ass factor" is always present, however, so, there's a lot of suckage to it.

      Thanksgiving deserved my full attention and guilt fueled sobbing enough that I didn't post about it. I did it last year, so, if you want, you can read that and just add 2012 to it.

      Now, my focus is delightfully snared by the buying of Christmas presents, decorating and general "spirit" of the whole white, snowy, Jesus covered nightmare. Normally, I'd go about this time of year in a conformist, present exchange way and move on. However, I think I'll bitch a little before Christmas forcibly removes the money from my wallet, screams in my face like a wounded reindeer and stalks away...sneering over it's shoulder. Fucking Christmas.

The Bullshit of Christmas!

~ Vol. 1 ~


Sit and spin yah ungreatful bastahds!

     First, I'd like to say that in general, I like the holidays. Chanukah, Christmas, Eid-al-Adha, Kwanzaa and the others are all aces in my book. Anything praising good will toward men is dandy. Plus, it's one of the few holidays that welcomes alcohol consumption and who doesn't like free shit? Not this free shit loving guy. I live for free anything. So, don't get up my urethra about hating this or that or I'm anti-Jesus/Santa/God/Whatever, because you're an idiot. 

  I'm taking the liberty of skipping the fact that Christmas isn't actually Jesus's birthday. There's a multitude of reasons why Christmas isn't about Jesus, which I won't go into. Actually, I'd like to just discount religion altogether, if I may. I know it's like separating a lion from a warm and wounded antelope, but, let's try. Christmas is bullshit, because it's not about giving it's about guilt! 

      Oh,"Now, that's bullshit!" you reply teeth clenched, slinging feces and frothing at the mouth. I say, prove it's not! Honestly say it's a season about giving...when, you've had all year to give and haven't. Nothing stops anyone from giving presents to others...almost ever. We, as a people, love getting loads and loads of ANYTHING, especially gifts. Short of a life sentence stint in jail or being dead, literally nothing stops anyone from giving something to someone else and they other person liking it. Yet, we feel the need to saddle Christmas with the "season of giving" moniker. Why? Guilt! Let me explain...


This one has a dildo in it.

      Presents are a wonderful way to represent, in material form, how you feel about someone or something they've done. 

      You can give a present out of appreciation ("Here's a military grade butt plug for you, Mr. Anderson. It's my way of saying, thanks for all the brow beating you've been dishing out. I appreciate it."), love ("Mary, I want you to have this laminated walrus testicle as a token of my undying affection and love for you. Let's hump."), friendship ("Don, I just want to say that I value our friendship, which is why I got you a year's supply of Astroglide.") or a celebration of a milestone (Happy birthday, Mom! I got you a little something, it's not much, but,, it's a set of brass knuckles and a leather thong. I know how you'vee always wanted them...") 

      Those are all good reasons to give a present, actually, I think that's just about every reason. It's weird that Christmas doesn't fit into any one of them. No one gives appreciation, love, friendship or milestone gifts for Christmas. What the hell is a Christmas gift for? It's to make you feel bad for not giving someone a present. That's it. No? Try it. Try not giving someone something for Christmas. Why not?

      It's for the appeasement of the expectations of the season is why. Everyone says you give presents on Christmas, so, you do. It's almost a Pavlovian reflex. Lord help us if we don't, then, you're either a heartless bastard, a child or suffer from a brain damage that makes you forget what season it is excusing you from the gift swap ritual. If we don't, we're made to feel...GUILTY about not giving. 

Shitty Presents's NOT a dildo.

      It doesn't end there either! What if you do buy everyone presents? You go out, spend an ass load of time on picking, choosing and wrapping. Then, BOOM! The big day arrives, everyone tears away at that all concealing paper to find...the worst fucking thing they've ever gotten. They put on a show of acceptance and smiles, but, you can read how they really feel from a mile away. You got them a shitty gift.

      We've all gotten a gift we didn't want or opened, expecting to be something else and finding some other bullshit that wasn't remotely like what we wanted. In turn, we've given those gifts too, out of either frustration of not knowing what to get the person, misfiring on what we thought they wanted or just being a prick. When it happens, you feel a rush of many emotions...all of them making you feel like shit. Unless you did it on purpose, then, it's just delicious satisfaction wrapped in awesome.

      For the genuine fuck ups, there's the embarrassment of having bought the wrong thing. You feel like it sends a message of not caring enough to get the right thing. There's the awkward looks and apologies and the polite refute of the apology ("No, no it's...awesome. I've always wanted a beetle covered statuette of a clown jerking off. It's perfect, thank you."). Most of all...there's the guilt that you've made them feel awkward and dejected. The guilt!

No Presents

I wanted a Transformer...that turns into a dildo and all I got was a "fuck you".

      Awkwardly bad gifting aside, sometimes, it's not a question of good or bad, but, if you should have brought one at all. Relationships with people can be complicated and Christmas, with all of it's ugly guilt gifting, can aggravate and confuse the hell out of them. An example: you have a new girlfriend, whose parents you've met. Are you expected to give them a gift as well? I mean, you're expected to visit on the day. 

      Do you show up empty handed...after you've spent Christmas morning banging their daughter on a kitchen counter, while wearing an Imperial Storm Trooper mask and dousing her in vodka laced chocolates, shaped like penises? Are you obligated to bring them something? A puppy puzzle maybe? Cake? What if you opt, to bring nothing? Do you run the chance of being the "inconsiderate non-gift bearing asshole who's fornicating with their child". 

      This happens all the time, with relatives, distant relatives, friends, co-workers, etc. The gift or not gift thing, not the storm trooper mask, counter top thing. That only happens on Fridays...after watching Cake Boss on DVR.

1 comment:

  1. What a wonderful post! Somewhat overshadowed by the missing dildo mystery ;) transformer dildo would be quite cool. Oh! Did I say that out loud? Lol!


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