Friday, November 16, 2012

How To Live In A Mansion For Free!

      Money and the lack of it in my wallet concerns me. While I'm an unemployed drain on society, it's even worse! With that in mind, I've taken it upon myself to seek out ways in which to save much needed cash. I'm looking to cut corners, people. Luckily, thanks to the marvel that is the internet, I've found a great one: SQUATTING!

That's not the squatting I meant, but, I'll take it. Thanks Google!

      I'm referring to is the hijacking of an abandoned or foreclosed on residence that isn't currently occupied by a renter, buyer or crack dealer. Apparently, it's pretty easy and a fast way to upgrade your housing situation. All you have to do is cart yourself and your family (if you have one), to any vacated residence of your choice and move in. It's just that easy and with the housing market still spinning like a turd in a freshly flushed toilet, even easier! So, I've taken in upon myself to move on the east side to that deluxe apar--mansion in the to speak. 

I'm taking over a mansion. 

Welcome  home.

      The first obstacle in claiming a new/used free mansion is locating one that is 1) not occupied by a rich douche' bag and 2)  has been foreclosed upon and is owned by an out of state bank and 3) not a drug king pins abode. How do you find out? Well, the first one is pretty straight forward. I checked out twelve foreclosed mansions. five answered my inquiries by releasing Rottweilers and screamy Mexican maids. four thought I was a gardener/erotic toy salesman and also screamed, two figured I was a relative, so they shot at me...while I screamed. Finally, I found one with a foreclosure notice and no one home or screaming. CHA-CHING! 

      As for how to find out if the bank is out of town...good question. A question I was too lazy to answer. I chose the "crap shoot" method. It's paid off for me in the past regarding discarded McDonald's dumpster food, so, why not now, right?


      Now that the "finding a mansion" part was in the bag, next came the big question, how to go about squatting? There are locks on doors and shit, right? People can't just walk into any abandoned foreclosed mansion The answer, obviously, is "no shit". Yet, as science and brute force will tell you, locks are no match for a well placed brick or round house kick. An opening achieved, it's time to move in. Using the family as cheap labor, everyone pitches in during a fast break, midnight move-in!

250 boxes of porn and one filled with clothes.

      Finally, the plan has come together. Nothing left to do now but, hide out in the basement, lay low and mansion it up. Pfff...what the hell ever. What good is a mansion if you're not living in it? So, on with the livin'! Out come the stereos, shot guns, kids sleep overs and bongs. Life is a fleeting dream of existence, so, why not spend a lot of it stoned LOUDLY out of your gourd! 

It's while exploring the finer side of mansion living that you discover, an untold side to expensive houses. There are a lot of WALLS! When you're zonked out of your mind and the kids are...pff...SOMEWHERE in the gazillion rooms you now have, you have what every parent wants. Quiet time. Due in most part to the enormous wall count. Silence or...distant murmurs does get old after a while, so, taking a sledge hammer to a few of those walls is a pretty sweet past time. 

Think my shirt is "butt ugly", well, FUCK YOU WALL!

      Stress reducing as wall smashing can be, it can lead to unwanted attention, especially from the neighborhood. So, like all good things, free mansion living eventually comes to an end. One uppity neighbor, makes an uppity phone call to the uppity police about all the "noise" and "pot smoke" and wall bashing. Then, it's all over.

      Okay, throwing up on their cars, stealing their dogs to start a neighborhood dog fighting ring probably didn't help, but,...well...fuck them! Regardless of who was in the right or wrong...the police have the answer--jail. It isn't so bad actually. There are free meals, television and I've started my own class on "How to Get Your Own Free Mansion". So, now I can put "teaching" on my resume! Thank you state penitentiary system. 


  1. I read an article about a woman who left the country for a year and returned to a squatter in her home. The funny part is that neither she nor the police can forcibly remove the squatter. So, now she's fighting a legal battle with the squater while they live in the same house. Hilarious!

    Anyway, I just got denied a loan on the cheapest condo in existence; therefore, I'll be attending your class soon enough.

    1. Aww...I'm sorry to hear about the loan. You know, you can always take out a permanent loan from any bank. You don't have to pay it back either! All you need to qualify is a face obscuring mask, a pistol and a well written note. It's worked for a lot of people, especially during the 1800's. Frankly, I don't know why people don't take the opportunity more often.

  2. The sequel, "How To Squat In Jail", is rife with double meanings.

    1. Indeed, sir. Though, I think it rivals the title "How To Get Stuck In The Hole" for double-entendre points.


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