E, F and G are for English Fucking Genius (A to Z Blogging Challenge)

      I had to wait a couple of days to post this...so the letters would match up with "English fucking genius". Though, I could have just posted it under "E" for English, the "fucking genius" just adds that extra kick. Besides...who doesn't like fucking? This was written by an "English fucking genius" named Addman. He has a brilliantly funny blog here and I'm fairly sure he likes fucking...though, I lack clear documentation. Go read his blog, well, after you read this first.

[unfunny pictures found, captioned and added by Elton]

Education By Music

      You may have heard the theory that playing music for your child from an early age can increase their intelligence. This rumour has single handedly kept classical music alive in the modern era, as expectant mothers flock to music stores to purchase that "thing by Schubert" or failing that, a bit of Beethoven. He was a music-making guy in them olden days, right?

or Gary Oldman's alter ego

      Despite exclusively paying for the upkeep of Classic FM and its endless stream of pretentious natter, these parents might be onto something. What if music does enhance your cranial capacity? I can safely say, that I have learned a lot from the music that I listen to. Although I can’t say I’ve listened to many symphonies. Nevertheless, perhaps those stupid brainiacs, in those white coats, were onto something after all.

WE'RE SCIENCE!

Perhaps Pop, Rock, and Rap can make positive contributions to our educational development. To argue the case in favour, here are some things that the music industry has taught me over the years:

• If you like something, then you should most definitely put a ring on it. Unless that thing is a sandwich, because you might break a tooth.
  
  
• The end of the world as we know it will somehow involve LEONARD BERNSTEIN!
  
  
• If the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, the best thing to do is to wait until the fire department arrive. If it turns out to be an electrical fire, water would only exacerbate the problem.
  
  
• If a man tries to come in your home, and take your chrome, you are legally allowed to shoot him, even if he presents no further danger to you.
  
  
• If you meet some young boys in a backstreet, the best response is to “rock your body”, and pray that they don’t mug you.
  
  
• Women who are too "Bootilicious" will leave you unable to eat a gelatine-based dessert.
  
  
• It is impossible to read anything written on a poker face, making this an ideal place to keep your secret notes.
  
  
• Don’t answer your phone if Lionel Ritchie has taken a fancy to you:
  
  
  
  
  
  Creepymotherfucker.

      Based on this evidence, I believe that we can do away with schooling entirely. Kids can learn everything they need in life from pop stars, so why bother on an expensive state education when you can achieve the same result with a few CDs or a voucher for the iTunes store? More importantly, it’ll lower our taxes. Let’s do it!

Okay...NOW go read his blog!

College...For Kids!

      I have a shit load of kids. How many is a "shit load" you ask? It's more than none. If you have any more than "none", you have a "shit load". Being that as it may, there's a lot of work that goes into maintaining a shit load of kids. There's the paying for copious amounts of their shit, by that, I mean, ALL of their shit. Oh, and news flash: kids never want to be involved with anything that's free. If they do, they probably have an agenda, like, selling dope to people involved in said "free activity". Which is a definite bad thing...unless they're splitting the profits with their siblings, then, at least they're sharing. Seriously, it's insane how much, of what an average kid does, costs fucking money. I remember doing all kinds of stuff...like...whatever it was I did before discovering drunk. Unbeknownst to me and my child like abandon at that young and innocently retarded time...all of that cost a mother fuck load of money! In retrospect I feel kind of dickish, I mean, my poor, poor mother. What a drain I was on her finances. I'm sorry. Though, I have moved on from that, I mean, now I have upgraded to being a drain on society in general! Go progress!

My fellow drains and I were thinking of starting a band. 

It's tentative title is...Government Teat

      Regular kid expenses aside. The one that worries me. The one that keeps me up at night, snorting meth off of a toaster oven called shame...is college. Not so much the institution...but, the wads of stanky cash they want in order to get educated by them. Nowadays, it's kind of expected, in a way, that everybody needs to go to college. Rightly so, I suppose. To get the best information era jobs, you need top quality information. Who would have thought that they would want tons of sweet cash to educate people? I'm in the wrong business. I need to start a college. I probably wouldn't offer much in the way of...a "functional" education experience. It would be more like, me taking money to sit in a class room and silently stare down students...and throw erasers at them. Think that would fly? Probably not. I'm sure there's some bureaucratic red tape that would be holding back my education enterprises. Fuck the man!

Hi, I'm the Aryan archetype currently using your 

hard work for the betterment of myself...

otherwise known as..."The Man". Feel free to fuck me.

      Being poor fucking sucks. I'm not sure if you've heard about that before, I think it's trending on Twitter. Yep, there it is, right under "#you're a waste of sperm" and above "#hand rape is not a crime!". It does, seriously suck super balls, especially, when thinking about your children's (or in my case shit load of kids) future. Will I have enough to pay for their college? Well, if I win the lotto, like I have been strategically planning for decades, then, maybe. That is of course if there is anything left after filling a swimming pool with champagne flavored pudding, purchasing a senator and fornicating on the roof of Notre Dame de Paris with a "Playmate of The Year" dressed like a nun (all of which are on my bucket list). College is fucking expensive! It's only getting more expensive. It looks to be about 10% per year in some places. That's insanity is what that is, balls out insanity...on a stick. What do you get after blowing your money wad all over the schools face (i.e. graduation)? Loan debt and saturated career fields. Both of which lead...right here...

BAM!

      Though, I am not happy with my children, toiling away to further themselves academically, only to manage/work alongside a bunch of greasy faced teenies (many of which are discovering their own boners, while rubbing up against a deep fryer), it might soon be the norm. Much like a high school diploma came to be viewed, only a couple of decades ago, a college degree will become the standard that every shlub will have to meet. It's a good and bad thing I suppose. I want all of my kids to go to college, but, I don't want to have to sell vital organs to do it. I want them to succeed in their lives, far better than my failing, worthless ass. Alas, in the end, it comes down to working with what I have to achieve what I need. Get that? Me either. It sounded really, really good in my head. Like a motivational speaker tossing out meaningless self help slogans. Believing is Achieving, Punk Bitches!

Sometimes, everything in my head 

sounds like, how this guy looks. Stylin'.