New York: Future Home of Elton

      New York City is a magical place. It's the "melting pot of the world", which confused me for a while as a kid. I remember thinking there was a huge vat of boiling people, that they forced immigrants into. I wasn't right. Still, that's one of the first monikers for New York that pops into my head. Such a diverse group of people, living and thriving together in one massive collection of grime coated concrete insanity. It's almost a triumph of the soul story description, if reality didn't spoil it with all the crime, murder and rape. It's a melting pot, of people. People whom I hate. Sure, I don't know the people in New York, but, I hate them. Mostly because they're breathing and take up space. Yet, I have always wanted to live in that city. Fucked up right? Why would I want to live in New York, when I hate people. It's a paradox, an oxymoron of some sort, a true contradiction. It's fucking stupid is what it is. I won't argue that. I know it's retarded, yet, New York calls to me. I imagine in a thick Brooklynese voice that sounds like a cross between Bugs Bunny and every New York cop you've ever seen on t.v....ever. What does that voice say? "Fuck off, you stupid cock! We don' want yeh!". Damn, I love New York.

Pictured: New York running away from the camera.

      New York City was one of the two places I have always wanted to live. California being the other. Not any place specific, because, as movies tell us, anywhere is California is cool. They have San Francisco (for gay folks, Dirty Harry and car chases), Los Angeles (for almost everything else), Compton (for gangsta rappers, gang members and people who like to be shot), Long Beach (for Snoop Dogg and to a lesser extent Sublime), Beverly Hills (for rich people, famous rich people and the Playboy mansion) and Hollywood, (which is actually in Los Angeles). I lived in California for a while. The Southern (clearly this was once part of hot ass Mexico) side. I enjoyed it highly and wouldn't mind going back, if it weren't for the damn drug trafficking rap I'm on the lamb for. 

Can you believe you can't transport homemade 

cough medicine across state lines?! 

Oh, and meth. Lots of meth.

      California down, I have one left, good ol' New York City. Why New York City specifically? Well, it might seem brash on my part, but, in the typical American fashion: t.v., movies and ill secured firearms. What I gleaned from that, as we all did, is that New York City is the only thing on the East Coast. There's cities like, Philadelphia, Boston, Baltimore and want not, but, they're only used when directors want a movie to seem more "real". Who the shit wants to live some place real? I want to live in New York, King Kong swinging with his balls out, City!

BALLS!

      The closest I have come, however, is living in Pennsylvania, where I currently reside. It's not bad here. There are trees, polluted streams and people firing rifles at things randomly. Substitute trees for buildings and it's almost the same. Though, there is no suitable substitute for New York is there? I suppose rolling around in filth and yelling angry racial slurs at people for doing ordinary things might do it, but, who has the time? Plus, there's all the signs and honking of cars. Urban congestion is hard to get just right, no matter how many cars you steal. There really is nothing comparable to Gotham. Oh, I forgot the Batman thing. Fuck. Shit, Spider Man lives there too. How could I forget?

Not pictured: Spider Man

      Rubbing elbows with super heroes aside, I hear it's kinda shitty living there. The people are like regular people, but, worse. They hate you even when you do something nice. The place reeks of negativity and angst ridden masses who, quite simply, want you dead. Normally, this is right up my alley. It would be this time too, if it weren't for the sheer volume of people! Holy shit, you would think New York City gave away free doughnuts filled with oral sex. Still I am drawn to this whirling hell hole, wonderland of pissed off humanity. Shit. It might be just for the pizza. I hear that's pretty bad ass. I'd hit up a town for it's pizza, so long as I didn't have to interact with anyone. This, so I have been told, is a notable feature of New York. The denizens hate the living fuck out of you, but, they don't want to actually talk or make eye contact with you. Can you imagine? A few million people who live in the same place that want absolutely nothing to do with you. It's like...heaven. Think about it. You get all of the benefits that people have to offer, i.e. good food, shops, roller coasters, bong manufacturers and none of the hassle of dealing with assholes. I think I might have found the only thing on Earth better than sliced bread and hot toothless women.

New York, better than blow jobs by 

hot toothless women...on bread.

     What's holding me back you ask? Things like, family, friends, money, cost of living, desire to drink clean water, hatred of people, that's what. I will make it there one day and find out for myself. Is that mass of people, streaming down the sidewalks in all of those movies, purposefully ignoring each other? God I hope so. Otherwise, New York is just a big damn sky scraping nightmare. Hell, it might be, but, what the fuck right? I might fit right in. People being pent up bags of hate rage, living side by side with each other. As long as they don't speak, I'm fine. The minute they open their mouths though. Holy shit. I might just lose it. Then, they'll lose it. A chain reaction will start and ripple out across America, then, the planet. We will descend into chaos and anarchy. The very laws of physics will become unhinged, cats chasing dogs, snow in the summer, tip free stripping. Awesome.

Pictured: Song and dance number, waiting to happen

Seven Billion People In Pools Filled With Jello.

      The world's population is hitting or has hit seven billion people now. You know what that means, other than a lot more asshole, idiots walking the planet? Well, not a whole hell of a lot, besides, more people drinking water, eating food, burning dead dinosaurs for their pimped out rides and doing insane amounts of drugs. I myself, as a confessed people hater, think it's all bullshit. Seven billion?! That's unimaginable. It's like trying to visualize a stupid ass thought exercise. Like, the kind teachers or magazines use to try an dumb down information into something we "morons" understand. For instance, "How many plastic bottles are used every year". You know the: "We use SO much that if they were stacked one on top of the other...you still wouldn't give a flying fuck and will probably use more to spite this." exercise. Can anyone actually imagine shit like this? Has anyone actually thought about people, eating enough jello, to fill up some arbitrary amount of Olympic sized swimming pools? If so...what the fuck is wrong with you? Get a goddamn hobby. I mean shit. Pick up a drug habit or start knitting sweaters for the newly arrived human horde or something. What the fuck is an Olympic sized pool anyway? Is it different from a regular pool? You can shit in both, so it doesn't matter.

Yummy, yummy pool turds!

      Seven billion mouth breathing sacks of skin...on one planet. Holy shit. The reports say that the seven billionth person will be born in an Asian country. Which, going with their track record for humping is like saying the cake left on a table at fat camp will be eaten by a fat fucking kid. Those crazy Asians fuck a lot! Which is bullshit. Not that I have anything against Asians. I would feel the same if it was any group of people who overly fuck. It's just a horrendous mess. Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm not one of these idiots whose all screamy bitch, bitch about "population control" and our precious "resources" being siphoned away by an every growing mass of people. We're animals...literally. We eat, drink, sleep, shit and survive just like every other animal on this planet. As a species we are built for consuming. It's our nature. I don't dispute that. That's what we do...and we do it well. Okay, maybe not well, more like a one man wrecking crew. Better yet, like the vigilante ex-cop who walks into a crack house and kills everyone who isn't bullet proof. He's messy and inefficient, but, he get's the job done. Luckily, we just happen to be on the top of the mountain for a time. That's cool, right? Well, let's live it up! Hell, it's only a matter of time before a virus/plague/radioactive isotope that makes our genitals fall out of our bodies, shows up and kills us all and knocks us off "awesome species mountain". Well, that or the insects, rats and dolphins get fed up with our shit and rise up. Which, I figure with current trends, should be some time in the next fifty years...give or take a decade.

Maybe their leader will get shit done!

      I am actually on the fence about the whole thing. I don't know whether to not give a shit...or not give two shits. Either way, someone's not getting their shits...and it's not going to go over well. I find myself in a bit of a conundrum. Actually, I'm torn between my wanting to be moan the "over population" aspect and wanting to watch the whole of society, reality and just...shit in general being ripped asunder and fall to tatters, due to all those lovely, nice planetary scourges newly joining us. Fucking people. I might whine about over population because that means, there's just more fucking people than I'd like to fucking deal with. People, like money, just mean "mo' problems". I enjoy a good bout of silence now and then, wide open spaces and watching a beautiful sun set roll down, behind the horizon,...without all the ugly fucking people in the way...peopleing up everything with their...peopleness. Plus, new people means, new babies. Do you know how many ugly babies there are out there? A fucking lot. 

At least...MOST of them will look like this.

      On the other hand, I do love a good anarchistic nightmare. I mean, people tearing each other over a cup of water that only vaguely smells of piss, that's a good show! There's nothing quite like a turf war, when starvation is on the line. You thought land wars about whose "God kicks more ass" were bad, imagine when it's a few hundred thousand people wanting pudding (I don't mean slang for pussy!). Imagine people who haven't eaten for a few weeks, bearing down on your skinny ass because they heard a rumor. A rumor you might have rubbed up against a Big Mac recently. Now they want a piece of your (possibly) Big Mac smellin' ass. Not that you actually have food, but, because there's the possibility you might. Holy shit, pay per view (if it is still around after everyone shifts attention from entertainment to not dying) is going to be EPIC! 

This is the prize my friend...prepare to die.

      Horrendous, nightmare scenarios aside. The population climbing to seven billion is a big deal. It could seriously lead to some pretty awful shit. Things like, food shortages, wars, lack of drinking water, more expensive sneakers. All of those could be a potentially huge problem. Though, I think we'll be just fine. We just have to figure out a plausible, logical way to deal with everyone. It might take sharing of ideas, resources and patience to really steer the way toward a future that's comfortable for all of us. I'm sure that, we, as a race can come to terms with our own needs and find a way to fill them accordingly. It's worked well for us in the past...I don't see why it wouldn't work in building a prosperous future for us all...

Oh yeah...we suck ass at logic, sharing and peace. Shit.